Traveling alone as a [b]old woman

Delicious freedom, neuroses, mental space, and new friends

When I planned a week-long solo trip to Paris, a city I’ve visited many times, it seemed like a great idea. But as the time grew closer for my recent departure, I became very anxious. In years past, especially during the promotion of my book¹, I traveled extensively on my own. But that was nearly twenty years ago; since then I’ve traveled most often with my husband, and as irrational (or neurotic) as this may sound… my greatest fear was that I would be lonely.

I have a near-phobia of loneliness. Feeling lonely, for me, is a precursor to falling into the hole of depression. I slip down that hole several times a year, on average, and I’ve come to recognize the sensation: it’s one of disconnection, of being cut off from everyone, of existentially searching for answers. So I try to avoid getting into “lonely” situations, where I’m without friends or a group and a clear purpose or plan.

But then my older daughter took her own solo trip to Paris, by coincidence, shortly before mine. She bubbled over while she was there, texting that she was taking long walks by the Seine, going to museums, and loving every minute. Well, if my daughter can travel alone, I thought…

Feeling braver and [b]older, I got on the plane. Landing at Charles De Gaulle at 6:30 AM the next morning, I walked around all day, provisioning the little place where I was staying. I know this area of central Paris well, so the shops are familiar. Here are my notes at the end of day #1:

“Loving it; it feels free, unencumbered, relaxed, no compromising or bickering. I do NOT feel lonely; excited and energized.”

The next morning, day #2:

“Still loving it; slept 12 hours²; very happy to have coffee and work on (drafting) my next Substack.“

On my own, a delicious feeling of freedom

And so the week continued, with the same feeling of delicious freedom, and not a jot of loneliness. Despite the chilly March weather, the beauty of Paris was certainly a contributor; the Seine rippled under the bridges, and the streetscapes of the 19th century buildings, with their distinctive facades, were as lovely as ever.

On the first sunny day, it was warm enough to sit outside and linger over a coffee. I struck up a conversation with the young guy sitting next to me.

In advance of this trip I invited a special friend (Alyson and I have known each other for 40 years) to come via Eurostar from London and stay with me for two nights. Initially, my motivation was that it would mean two evenings with company. But it was so much more than that. Alyson and I talked endlessly, and deeply, about everything, from our respective, complicated family relationships, to what the Brits think about what’s happening in America. She’s a trained psychologist, calm and wise; it was like having my own private therapist to chat with 24/X7!

One of the things we touched on in our conversations was how much mental space it takes to sustain a relationship with another person, specifically (in our case), a man. Alyson is in a different position, as her longtime husband died prematurely, a decade ago. More recently, she had a boyfriend for six years but ultimately decided he was “too much trouble;” she broke off the relationship. I’m not planning to get rid of

Sam Harrington

, my husband of 52 years whom I love very much, but it’s true that day-to-day interactions with him require a lot of energy and compromise; and, I will admit, often include bickering. We tend to agree about the big things (where to live, for example), but we disagree about so many little things (how to load the dishwasher, how early to leave the house to get to an appointment, what time to eat regular meals, etc.). He is an early riser and a get-right-to-it sort of guy; I’m a procrastinator and take longer to do everything.

How luxurious it was to be on my own and enjoy mental space not taken up by the accommodations necessary in a relationship! Without any conscious effort, I found myself bubbling with energy (like my daughter) during my solo week, with more clarity for this newsletter, deciding where to go and what to do without any strain or compromise, feeling free to change my mind at the last minute (a long walk by the river instead of a museum), and lingering over a coffee in the sun for an hour, or a meal for even longer (Sam will never sit that long).

One concern I had, that Alyson shared as a single woman, was where to eat dinner without feeling awkward. I found a solution; about a block from where I was staying is a neighborhood brasserie, Le Saint-Régis, serving “continuously” from 7:30 AM to 2:00 AM. No reservations were needed and I could slip in anytime and get a small table where I felt perfectly comfortable. The food was surprisingly good and I quickly became “friends” with several of the waitstaff, including Jérôme (see photo). In fact, I made “friends” everywhere I went in Paris; it’s easier, as a single person, to engage in longer conversations with shopkeepers, or with the person sitting next to you in a café, and for me, it’s a great way to practice speaking French.

Jérôme and I spoke mostly in French but he had two favorite, slightly nonsensical English expressions, “Let’s go!” and “Nice!”

I booked an afternoon food and walking tour³ on the Sunday I was there, so as not to feel “bereft” after Alyson left. Of course, I discovered I was just as happy on my own, as with Alyson’s company. And I reached out to one of my few friends in Paris (a high school classmate⁴, retired and living in the City of Light). She and I met at my favorite wine bar, Augustin Marchand d’Vins, for a perfect evening of catching up over small plates paired with wine selected by Augustin himself (I’ve gotten to know him). And, last but not least, I met up with

Ann Richardson

for a Substack IRL.⁵

Ann Richardson, The Granny Who Stands on her Head, came over to Paris from London, where she lives; we met, for the first time, for a cup of tea and to discuss all things Substack.

I now realize all the catastrophizing I did ahead of this trip, about getting lonely or depressed, was foolishly wasted time; I savored both alone time AND time with friends. On the other hand, I’m okay with being open about my neurotic impulses, in keeping with my promise to be “more honest” with you in 2025. I also realize that I might feel differently about solo travel if there were no Sam, if I were widowed. I’m pretty sure loneliness would be part of any travel experience in that scenario; there’d be no avoiding it, but given my week in Paris I want to believe that, somehow, I’d cope. It’s true that I talked out loud, a lot, to myself; and, as is my wont, lost track of time, stayed up too late, and ate at irregular times. But for now, I’m relishing having gone away on my own, and come back to Sam, although I really do miss not having to compromise at all, about anything. I’m already booking another solo visit to Paris.

Quick list of tips for solo travelers, especially [b]old women

If you’ve ever traveled solo as a woman, whether you are partnered or not, you may share some of the logistical concerns I had. Here are a few tips, based on my experience:

• JET LAG: keep moving the day you arrive from the U.S. On the advice of a friend, I drank lots of sparkling water with a squeeze of lemon and a pinch of salt throughout that first day. I swear it worked to alleviate jet lag!

• Consider booking a few things ahead of time (a group tour, tickets to an exhibition or site)

• Leave lots of room for impromptu decisions

• Make an effort to strike up a conversation with everyone you meet

• Find an informal (no reservation required) restaurant where you can comfortably eat a meal alone

• DO leave a tip; even in Paris (traditionally, no tips required), it’s done more and more these days; the waitstaff will remember you and welcome you back

• Consider taking a few notes, keeping a travel journal, and/or snapping lots of pics

• Enjoy the unexpected pleasures of being on your own!

And two lovely tips from reader

Megan Youngmee

:

• “Leave space for magic”

• “Put your phone and screen down so you can hear your intuition”

Questions for readers

• Partnered, or not, how do you feel about solo travel? Can you share any tips?

• Do you worry about loneliness when you’re on your own, whether at home or when traveling?

1. After my book, The Corporate Blogging Book, was published in 2006, I traveled extensively (Australia, China, UAE, Europe, UK, Canada), on my own, to speak on the topic of blogging as a business strategy. I loved these trips.

2. After an almost-sleepless overnight flight.

3. Paris By Mouth Food Tours.

4. My friend, MJ Carson, writes on Medium; I’m trying to lure her to Substack.

5. This was my fourth delightful Substack IRL meetup: the first was with Kate Hill, in Southwest France; the second with Valerie Monroe, in Tokyo, where she lives part of the year. I also met up with

Jeffrey Streeter

in Tokyo!