Twelve [B]old Men Reflect on the Meaning of Old Age

Nine questions on love, retiring (or not), losing their hair, and surprises

The experiences of [b]old women—their ambitions, rituals, daily concerns, delights, self-esteem, and so on—have transfixed me in recent years. Likely because that’s the perspective I know best at 72. The more I talk with other older women, the more I see how often we feel invisible, even delegitimized, by society. Maybe, together, we [b]old women can change that.

But there’s another perspective that intrigues me lately. What about [b]old men? I’m married to one, and still I feel uninformed; what’s [b]old age like for them, and how is it different than it is for [b]old women? So I decided to do an unscientific poll of a dozen [b]old men within my social circle, not knowing if they would respond to my questions. They are writers on Substack or elsewhere, and/or longtime personal friends, and so not representative of broader society. Still, I find their responses fresh, interesting, and occasionally… well, frustrating. Older men do not feel invisible the way older women do.

Wiser and health-conscious, these men have new priorities and are secure in their identity. Most say they’re not “retired.” They're surprised by how much they value long marriages. But I’ll let them tell you. I’m handing the floor to a group of [b]old men for this special edition of [B]OLD AGE. 

Nine questions for twelve [b]old men

1. What does [b]old age mean to you? 

JEFF SAGANSKY: At 72, it means I have fewer prescribed obligations and more time to spend on relationships that matter to me. It also means that I have an obligation to pass on to specific people what wisdom I have gained in my life.

TOM RICKS: At 68, it means slowing down, recognizing that the end is coming into view, and so looking at the world differently. I like most things about it except how stiff my fingers are in the morning.

DAVID ROBERTS: I'm happier now at 62 than I've ever been, despite understanding what being older means in terms of mortality. 

JEFFREY STREETER: At 61, I see old age as a physiological state, a social construct and a state of mind. I guess [b]old age would indicate that the second and third of these can be adjusted according to our attitude and those of society as a whole.

iStock photo

2. Are you an age-embracer or an age-denier?

DEE RAMBEAU: Embracer 100% at 66. As a firm believer in trying to manage what we can control—and understanding what we cannot—I’m in for all of it!

TOM RICKS: Very much an embracer. Getting old is more interesting than I expected.

SAM HARRINGTON: I am an age embracer. I enjoy the freedom from certain responsibilities that old age endows me with.

JOHN OLLMAN: I embrace the age I am, although I don't feel like what I think almost 82 should be.  I look at others much younger than myself and wonder why they seem so old.

DAVID ROBERTS: Neither/both. I embrace the advantages of my age, but I deny that I will cease to exist.

3. What is one thing you wish people knew about what it's like to reach "old age" as a man?

DAVID ROBERTS: You find older woman to be far more attractive than younger woman, because they have character and they can understand you. 

BILL: I am always amazed at how off my first impressions are of any old person I meet. I can never guess who they were and are. It’s hard for me to imagine them as a younger person. My first impressions are obscured by my prejudices, fears, and reactionary judgments. I wish that, unlike me, when people met me they realized I am more than the man they see today.  And yes, a little less than the one I was. 

JEFF SAGANSKY: If you can maintain your health, your best self is revealed at this age. You have a lifetime of surviving the ups and downs and have gained true perspective. You know that riding the waves is a part of life. You have more time to spend time with people that you like and love. The deeper meaning of our brief time here is revealed.

DEE RAMBEAU: The definition of many things we grew up expecting and being taught as men changes. In fact the definition of masculinity as a whole. Things like toughness, resilience, mission, work, fitness, love, empathy—all of it. 

4. Many women focus on their changing appearance as they get older. How much do you care about your changing body, whether it’s gray hair or less muscle or added pounds?

JOSH BERNOFF: I care, but only based on how the changes I can make can make me happier and live longer. I look fine.

JOHN OLLMAN: I think men have an advantage in that department, as they seem not to be judged as severely by their changing physical appearance. But coming out as gay in my 70's I felt aging was not helpful.  So yes I think about my appearance, plus my job requires looking put together.

DAN SWANSON: Another positive change in the larger culture affects men like me who, at 72, have lost much of our hair. The stigma has diminished enormously. Many movie stars no longer hide behind wigs or hair transplants, and even some action stars embrace the shaved head/very short hair look, along with certain athletes. I've done the same.

5. Are you more conscious of adopting a healthy lifestyle?

DAVID ROBERTS: Yes. I've pretty much given up drinking and I exercise frequently.

TOM RICKS: Not really. Almost the opposite.

BILL: Yes, fear is a great motivator. Also, I hate doctors (except Sam).

SAM HARRINGTON: Yes, but not at the expense of the occasional blowout entertainment. “I won’t be dead long enough??”

DAVID WHITE: At 73, much more conscious of adopting a healthy lifestyle. I drink one drink a night and no more; I stopped smoking long time ago; I watch what I eat and try to take nutritious meals, often at the cost of pleasure.

6. Older women often say they feel invisible. They feel ignored and/or misunderstood by society. Do you feel delegitimized as an old(er) man?

JOHN OLLMAN: I think that depends on a lot of variables. In general, I do think ageism is a huge issue. However, in my field, I'm a recognized authority, sort of the old man standing.  So everyone who's interested in my field seeks me out. In particular younger folks. I've found that feels good, and I try to mentor those folks.

JEFF SAGANSKY: Not at all. I am still fully engaged in my career. Producing shows and doing multibillion dollar deals. And I spend thirty percent of my time mentoring younger executives who are constantly engaging me for career advice. 

SAM HARRINGTON: I do not feel that others delegitimize me. I consciously delegitimize myself. The world is moving faster than most of us can keep up with. It would be a better place if more older people stepped aside, recognizing their old world ideas are less applicable to new world problems.

PETER ROTH: Yes, especially as a cis-gender white man, but the delegitimization I feel most has less to do with age and more to do with the current wave of “centering” non-male, non-cis-gender, non-white people and “de-centering” white guys like me.

DEE RAMBEAU: I do not. I can’t speak to the idea. Perhaps I will in later years, but not at this point. I feel vital, connected, seen, and heard. 

JEFFREY STREETER: I'm beginning to feel people see me as older, more of a marginal figure. But that's largely because I don't have the same role as before. I don't mind.

7. Have your priorities changed?

DAVID ROBERTS: Yes. I'm retired from my job, replaced by writing as a vocation, which has led to much greater self-awareness. I also have a lot of familial interactions and responsibilities with an expanding family, i.e. in-laws and grandchildren. 

TOM RICKS: Yes. More interested in nature, less interested in the news.

SAM HARRINGTON: My priorities have always been family and career, though some family members might not feel I balanced them well. Now, without a career, my family is all that matters.

DAVID WHITE: My status as an observant Jew has become much more important to me. My one sentence shorthand for Judaism is: “Accountability in all things to God.” I find that keeps me on course. My family, my Judaism and my writing really are the three most fertile regions of my life. As a young man, I never thought family would be important, and I barely even cared about religion. 

8. Are you comfortable saying you are retired? Or do you insist that you will keep working til you die?

JEFF SAGANSKY: I only use that word to put off people I don’t want to deal with. If I am fortunate to keep my health, I will never retire.

DAN SWANSON: I'm not retired, and I have no plans to do so.

JOHN OLLMAN: That word is not in my vocabulary. I still love what I do, it's altered somewhat but I'm still totally engaged with my business.

SAM HARRINGTON: Because I had a seemingly monochromatic career as a gastroenterologist (although in its nuances it was fulfilling and exciting), I am very comfortable saying I am retired. That frees me up to be someone else.

DEE RAMBEAU: I will always have “work.” The definition of that has changed completely. While it once meant “what I do for a living” has now become “what I do to live.” Work is purpose. I work on myself. I work on my relationships. I work on my recovery. I work for several non-profits as a volunteer. I work at being a kind and purposeful human being. We never retire from life. We may be fortunate enough to retire from employment. 

9. What is the happiest surprise you’ve encountered at this stage of life?

JEFF SAGANSKY: That I am more in love and connected on a deeper level with my wife than when I was younger and had more distractions. I have been crazy about my wife since the day I met her, but life pulled us in so many different directions and oftentimes apart.

TOM RICKS: How much I am enjoying my marriage.

DAVID WHITE: My wife. I enjoy her more than I ever did; I see things I never saw in her; vanquishing the thousand challenges we have vanquished together has only brought us closer and made me appreciate her more. When we share a smile, a wisdom, a criticism, a dispute, a shared joy, 50 years together really slam home on the hinge of our common experience.

DEE RAMBEAU: The depth and meaning of romantic love. I thought I knew what it was when I was younger. I did not know. 

JOSH BERNOFF: That I can still help people accomplish their dreams, and that when I do, they really appreciate it. Also, that my children have grown to be such wonderful people.

DAVID ROBERTS: My love for my dog Sophie. I expected to love my grandchild, so that was not a surprise. This is.

The cast of characters

Josh Bernoff, 65, is the author of 5 business books and a top advisor to business authors at bernoff.com.  

Bill, 74, is a former New York entrepreneur currently reinventing himself in Maine. 

Samuel P. Harrington MD, 72, is a retired gastroenterologist and the author of AT PEACE: Choosing a Good Death After a Long Life. He’s also my husband.

John Ollman, 81, has been an art dealer for 54 years and owns the Fleisher/Ollman Gallery in Philadelphia. He is a devoted gardener, viewing his gardens as an ongoing work of art.

Dee Rambeau

, 66, has worked on Wall Street and in Sports TV and founded a software company. He married at 65, is a dog rescuer, and is 14 ½ years in recovery from drugs and alcohol. He writes Of a Sober Mind on Substack.

Thomas E. Ricks, 68, is the author of nine books and a Pulitzer Prize winner for reporting for the Wall Street Journal and the Washington Post. His new book, Everyone Knows But You (Pegasus Crime, June 4, 2024), is a murder mystery set on the mid-coast of Maine. 

david roberts

, 62, writes the Substack Sparks from Culture about wealth, class, and capitalism from someone with generational wealth, writing with transparency.

Peter Roth, 67, is a retired multi-family housing developer and graduate-level educator now working on community development efforts on a volunteer basis.

Jeff Sagansky, 72, is an entertainment executive and investor and former president of Sony Pictures Entertainment and CBS Entertainment.

Jeffrey Streeter

, 61, is a recovering cultural bureaucrat who these days can be found within the borders of the English Republic of Letters on Substack.

Dan Swanson, 72, is an independent journalist who reports mainly about Latin America, Africa, and the recent wave of migration to the U.S. He writes under the pen-name "James North."

David White, 73, has been a reporter for The New York Times and for national magazines. His latest book is WINGS OF WAR: The World War II Fighter Plane That Saved The Allies And The Believers Who Made It Fly.

Thank you to these 12 men for your candor and thoughtfulness about your experience of getting old. I know I speak for everyone when I say you’ve given all of us a lot to think about. - Debbie

Questions for readers, especially other [b]old men

If you’re an old(er) man, how would you answer these questions?

• In your experience, how is old age different for [b]old men and [b]old women?

• What is your happiest surprise at this stage of your life?
  

One more [b]old man

My 93-year-old dad died two days ago. What a grand life he had and what a long and lovely goodbye, with many visits from family and friends. I wrote about the long vigil here.