I keep coming back to this question: in a society that delegitimizes us as we enter old age, especially women, how do we keep our heads held high?
I know I’m not the only one who has encountered these (mostly subtle yet pervasive) messages, telling me that I have less power, less importance, less relevance. I’m usually able to shrug it all off but of course there are times I struggle, feeling weighed down and deeply bothered. I find myself asking, “Am I a has-been? Or am I still a player?”
MY QUESTION TO YOU: As you reach old age, how do you stay a player in your own life? Is it through your writing, through volunteering, continuing to work, or just plain ignoring all the messaging around being old?
I am lucky in that I think aging (57) is a boon in my job as a therapist, it suggests (rightly or wrongly!) an amount of lived. experience and gravitas that feels perhaps safer than someone who might be younger. I like a certain amount of invisibility, (it makes people watching easier) but I work out and lift weights, I like to think I could spring into action and surprise a few people in a crisis!
I enjoyed credibility for most of my life. I was a college prof. My volunteer work involved educating folks about economic circumstances in developing countries. When things became so politically divisive c.2016, suddenly i was ‘old,’ ‘getting batty,’ etc. it was a quick 180 degree turn around. The getting old card was played. I was effectively neutered. Sigh. And so….I publish a geopolitical substack here. Nobody here plays that card and I get to speak my mind. Thanks for listening ladies. https://dianekern.substack.com/
As a woman who's never been externally beautiful, I don't know how "visible" I ever was in the first place. There is a certain power to invisibility. I've actually gotten free train rides a couple of times because the conductors literally walked past me as if I weren't there. (The flip side is being ignored in a restaurant where I'm trying to order food ...) It's nice not to have my every word and picture critiqued to pieces, to be over here in my corner doing my thing, out of the spotlight.
When it comes to tech, I am out of step--not because I'm incapable of understanding it, but because I find a lot of it alienating and intrusive and unnecessary. I'm happy being an "as-late-as-possible" adopter.
I just don't care about external validation. For me, growing older has been a joy in most ways: a mellowing, less focus on BS that doesn't really matter. The only thing I dread at this point is physical or mental debility (mine, my husband's, and my parents').
I am in a hiking club with a lot of 70+ members. They are still doing regular 8-mile hikes, paddling, bicycling, surfing, traveling. They are really showing me how long I may be able to engage in these activities. I think at 57 I am more fit than I was a couple of years ago, simply because I am now retired and can get more exercise (and sleep!) every day.
appropos... reading an article in The Guardian about a woman accused of deep-faking video. The quote is: "How does a 50-year-old woman deepfake something on a phone? You need pretty sophisticated editing capabilities."
And that is held up as a defence. This kind of thing... makes me feel like I might implode.
ha ha... yes. I was an early adopter with all things tech (blogging, Facebook, Twitter, etc.). But somehow I never learned how to use TikTok and am not planning to.
I am unsure from day to day whether I am ‘reaching old age’! At almost-59, the few silver hairs I have are staying put and not falling out anymore. My face contours are softer (*now* I understand the meaning of the word ‘faceLIFT’), and I never go anywhere without my reading glasses.
However: I am recovered from spinal surgery two years ago to the point where I am finally beginning to feel at home in my body again. I am in motion, getting strong, finding joy in physical activity, losing weight. So I feel younger than I have in years! And less invisible, because I am not hiding anymore in pain, misery, confusion.
My 60s are going to be great. It’s icing on the cake that my husband and I have the retirement countdown clock going. I am self-employed since getting off the corporate treadmill nine years ago, and more or less ready to stop. My contacts are retiring, which is unnerving, but so far I have been able to retain clients by successfully schmoozing the next-gen bosses. So far. But the insecurity does seep in and I would like to be free of requiring ‘legitimization’ in the working world.
Being old has hit me like a sledgehammer. It feels like I woke one morning, looked in the mirror and wondered who that old lady was staring back. The being invisible can be the worst.
I’ve been working part time for a few years, necessitated by health issues, not age. I’m getting very close to having enough of working. My writing has recently been a savior, since most readers don’t check as to how many years I’ve been around.
Mostly, I defy the age critic by remaining present in my world.
I still have not found a way to become visible once again.
"I looked in the mirror and wondered who that old lady was staring back." Yes, I find this very disconcerting as well, but I'm working on embracing it and trying to see myself as still "me" but with lots of wrinkles. I wrote about what we see in the mirror: https://debbieweil.substack.com/p/mirror-mirror-at-age-71
Ha ha! I wrote a poem about 20 years ago about feeling like a has-been. I gave up on "being somebody" a long time ago, and try to get by in life doing what I enjoy, but not striving to make money, as that was so unsuccessful. I did manage to buy a house, though, and that gave me a kind of security from certain anxieties.
Thanks Debbie. I still have way too much personal doubt, and do appreciate all my friends who keep me afloat. You are so inspiring! One of these days I'll figure out how to do my own writing blog on Substack instead of posting cute pictures on Facebook all the time. I find I want to write more than that platform celebrates.
I teach at a high school for performing arts and have another decade before I retire, but my boss keeps forgetting that. There is a strange assumption that I can't relate to the students because the gap is too big. Honestly, I find it incredibly freeing. I can talk to them about anything - even sex - because I am like a grandmother and (as they see me) asexual. I am also fine with tech. And have lived long enough to know that some things teens deal with are evergreen.
I agree with Holly Baker- Technology may not be easy for me, but somehow I’ve figured out how to use 7 different electronic medical records, and I can do the fancy stuff on powerpoint and format any document … I know I learn from seeing and doing, but younger people like to ‘tell me how’ . Also in the outdoors- I’m an experienced hiker but somehow the young folks make a snap judgment that I might be frail and that I won’t know how to read a trail map- neither is remotely true. If someone is concerned, they should ASK jf if I need or want help, not assume that they need to instruct me on navigating a steep climb or managing a rock scrabble before we start.
My women friends and I have been asked if we need help on hiking trails since we were 21. As a slow swimmer, the ones in wetsuits stop and ask if I'm okay because I might be swimming sidestroke. It's really annoying but part of me remembers that most people are just trying to be helpful. These friends and I were independent field geologists in our careers and did all kinds of solo hiking in mountains with old fashioned maps, so don't need that kind of help. Sounds like you have experienced a lot of "mansplaining" too, or the equivalent thing from younger to older people.
yes- I should be kinder- I know people honestly are trying to help. But I think a lot of assumptions get made when you have wrinkles or gray hair.
I once had a student describe a 60 year old cyclist who rides 20 miles a day as an 'old man on a bike' - I'm older than 60; it was hard to keep from asking him what he'd call someone who is 80 if 60 is 'old'!
I’ve been retired for more than ten years now. My life is very full and very rich. I live in a rural village, I do a lot of volunteering in a nearby community and I stay connected to others in many sensible, fulfilling ways. But yeah, you periodically have to turn the other cheek and just hope that you can teach others by example. Hugs to all.
I’m maybe an outlier here because I’m 39, but I love watching and learning from people ahead of me. I love picking up wisdom, especially from women…I feel my life is deeply enriched by applying what they’ve learned to my present experience. For what it’s worth, I don’t see age as much as I used to. My mom and my in laws are in their late 60s / early 70s and they are totally vital and thriving…it’s almost as if middle age has shifted up a couple of decades. I still think of 40s as quite young. And 60s as prime of life. And I feel like that’s the perspective of a lot of my cohort… I mean gen X is in their 50s? Those were always the cool kids!!
Isabel, a very interesting point: "middle age has shifted up a couple of decades... " I would have agreed with you completely even five years ago, but turning 70 feels different. It's not old-old, just young-old! Trying to embrace it... xx
After reading some of the other comments, I feel like maybe I’m in the generation that didn’t feel as much of the delegitimization of women (56 next month). As for feeling delegitimized for my age, again, I guess it’s perspective. I was only in “corporate America” for a short time and spent much of my adult life self employed. The nature of my work tends to value the older, wiser folks who’ve been around the block and have more experience, so in that I’ve been lucky.
However, where I’m feeling the most pressure is in “physical looks”. With the proliferation of visual social media, short attention spans, and in-your-face stimulation, those of us who allow our gray to shine, have hips that show we’ve given birth, and enjoy cooking and eating good food seem to be often ignored. Case in point, I have a YouTube channel that features kayak fishing. There aren’t many women with these types of channels and, as expected, most of my subscribers are men. Essentially I’ve been told that if I flashed more skin I’d get a better following and more views. Since I know my chest size has nothing to do with how well the fish bite, that’s not happening 😂. Either way, while I still fish, I don’t post video like I used to.
Oh my goodness!! I’d call that the delegitimisation of women in general!!! OMG!! SubStack and Tumblr are the only two social media I partake in, and the only two that seem to respect people based on content rather than gender. But that view is enhanced by me being very careful about who I engage with. My ‘mutuals’ are uplifting, caring people. I’m so thankful for such positive experiences. Enjoy your kayak fishing. It sounds amazing.
Thank you, and yes, I also have greatly limited who I interact with on socials (if we can say where or how we know each other, then we stay connected). And after finding Substack and seeing how folks interact here, it’s been very easy to disengage from other platforms 🙂
Assuming I can’t do anything with technology drives me crazy. I’m almost 60. During the pandemic I was teaching, and when we had to figure out how to manage everything online I had a better handle on the situation, than most of my colleagues. And that was according to our IT support person, not my own assessment. So, please don’t mansplain how to use QR codes. If I want help, I’ll ask.
I am struggling with this. I was very fortunate to be able to retire early at age 54. I'm now 61 and regret that I labeled myself as a retired person. What I should have said was I'm leaving the 9-5 corporate world to pursue my dream of writing. I hate that I have this regret. But it stems from a subtle shift in how people treat me. It's so subtle that it's almost imperceptible, but I feel it deeply. I'm blessed to have a wonderful circle of women friends (from early 50's to 70+). We are physical together (triathlon), have fun together (ride jet skis), eat and drink wine together, etc. My hope is that as younger people see us living our best lives, the stereotypes will gradually disappear. It will take many generations, but I think we're off to a great start.
I am lucky to be in a profession that I can practice differently without fully retiring. In medical school I loved surgery and seriously considered it as a profession. However, well aware that great aunts and great great aunts, and great grandmothers had frequently led active lives to 100 was exciting, but sobering. Generally most (but not all) surgeons start to retire in their early to mid 60s. Hand surgeons and a few other types of surgeons who can operate sitting down, may work longer. But I knew that even I, would have hesitate to choose an 80 yo surgeon. Luckily I also loved psychiatry, where one can practice much longer, even into one's 80's if in good health. Even when one no longer wants to manage a full practice, one can gradually cut back to part-time, teach, and do initial consultations and referrals, without providing full-time patient care.
At 71, I finally feel ready for a change from full-time practice with night and weekend emergencies. Choosing to be a psychiatrist instead of a surgeon, allows me flexibility to increase the time I spend doing consultations and briefer treatments, continue with some patients I have seen for for a long time, and increase the time I consult with organizations about employee health, fitness for duty and mental health policy development----areas with only the rare urgent or emergency issues to solve. I will still teach residents.
It's not always easy to tell long-time patients that I plan to significantly cut back on prescribing medication. However, casual reading about new drugs without enough day to day experience in using them, has convinced me that I (and they) are better off with younger psychopharmacologists making their medication decisions. I am getting some pushback, but standing firm. I am no longer interested or able to work 60 to 80 hour weeks. But neither am I eager not to work. I probably have been thinking about this since the day I choose psychiatry over surgery. It's not accidental that. I focused my post residency studies not only on learning psychoanalysis, but also on organizational and occupational psychiatry. I have been interested in how people choose work situations and how organizations handle employees with a variety of personalities, varying levels of mental health, and how the organization positively and negatively influences the mental health and developmental growth of employees.
Reading your essay, I wonder if it's not too late for you to refocus rather than stay fully retired. Perhaps you simply took a needed break to re-evaluate your future plans having already severed the professional obligations that can cloud our retirement planning. You could start writing again and describe yourself as a writer. Or think about how the skills you developed during your professional life could be directed to other areas of endeavor. People sometimes want to retire, or at least have an extended sabbatical, only to find that they want to write, want to participate in an entirely new area of endeavor, or want to coach or even return to their former profession. When one is in the thick of full-time work, it's often difficult to step back and make these plans..
Even if you didn't tell yourself you were going to write, or change your work focus to a related or unrelated area---it's not too late to do that now. Younger people take sabbaticals. Some find they miss their old work, others find different areas of work to pursue. Our age doesn't prevent that, unless, perhaps one's original occupation was professional athlete or astronaut. Even in those types of profressions, sometimes one can repurpose that experience to coach or to help younger people in those areas plan for their futures. Historically, average lifespans were shorter, although some have always have lived long enough to be an elder. We spend so long working towards our first career, but only relatively recently (in the evolution of humanoids) have had the expectation of a possibly long older age, with the possibility of second age third careers. This requires rethinking work (paid or unpaid) over the course of our life cycles. Now that you announced a definite retirement and have tried that out, it may be time to experiment with other options, such as writing or any other activity you may want to experiment with. A surprising number of people are finding that they wanted a different blend of leisure and work thsn they initially imagined. It's ok to partially or fully "un-retire." Or even to choose one's own language to describe no longer working in only one arena. If you consider yourself a writer. It's no one's business how many hours a day you choose to pursue that.
Our current life stage, can afford us a chance to re-imagine ourselves, or try endeavors that may have seemed impractical to our younger selves.
I think any old woman isn't just discovering 'delegitimization'. We've lived with it forever. How do I deal with it? I don't. In fact, if anything, I feel freer now than I ever have in my entire life, and I can chalk it up to being so old I've either outlived or outgrown everyone who was ever an obstacle in my life.
I'm on my own now and, aside from missing my husband, I'm loving each and every new discovery. (If I don't love a discovery, I toss it out or move on. I have that luxury now--self-imposed.)
At the same time, I'm keenly aware of women who aren't as fortunate, who aren't in a position to say 'screw it' to obstacles and barriers and I'm not shy about calling out those people and those factors that stand in their way.
In so many ways it's good to be old. I don't plan on wasting a single minute of it wondering what it's all about. 😏💕
Great questions! Growing older = growing wiser and more balanced = a different kind of vibrant curiosity and energy. Mindset is huge - I feel as if I'm in my 30s. Hope and enthusiasm simmers more than 35 years ago, when it used to boil over. When I read and hear things associated with "old(er)" people, my asterisk is *that doesn't apply to me. I ignore it! I still work, am super physically active, still eager for what's next.
Such a great question, it makes me think. Something very weird happened to me this year (I will turn 72 in July). I finished a book, a dream I'd lugged around since forever. The idea came to me out of the ether while sitting under a mango tree in Aruba with my stepson, a Generation Xer who quit the rat race to start an Aruban surf shop with his best friend. Their bold leap inspired me so much I spent the next three years writing a creative nonfiction book that combines memoir, biography and practical philosophies about pursuing a passion. Writing "Little Giant," due out this summer, was probably the hardest thing I ever did. Coming from traditional publishing and a background as a professional editor, I thought, I'll nail this. I had so much learn about writing long form, it practically felled me. But damn it, I kept going, putting one word down and then another. I ignored all the naysayers, including my own inner tyrant. I had the gift of desperation. I mean, really, how many years do I have left? The lessons I learned from writing the book--the need for a healthy obsessive focus, giving up false perfectionist ideals, and savoring the small moments--have had a calming influence on my over-achiever instincts. In short, I'm happier than I have ever have been. Thank you for the question. I absolutely love Bold Age.
I’m volunteering at Camp Good Grief. A place for children who have lost a parent, sibling, etc. It keeps me feeling very relevant. The training to be accepted into this program is extensive, interesting and eye opening.
I tune it out. It’s obvious at times as people see you’re a senior so must be challenged, deaf, not tech savvy, slow. I am not letting it in. It’s not me, yet. Head high and don’t let the ‘bleepers’ get you down. I write and I read and savor every retired moment. I am thankful for every new day.
Just be you. Just keep doing, being, making, writing, enjoy what you enjoy. Ignore the messages. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Accept that you may need to rest a bit more (still planning a post about this if I get the energy) but honestly people think that because we look a bit old and sometimes decrepit that we are over the hill. Ignore it. Don't FEEL over the hill. I don't.
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/e_trim:10:white/e_trim:10:transparent/h_72,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fb939748d-5d80-4d0f-867c-2ed252ac633c_1344x256.png)
I am lucky in that I think aging (57) is a boon in my job as a therapist, it suggests (rightly or wrongly!) an amount of lived. experience and gravitas that feels perhaps safer than someone who might be younger. I like a certain amount of invisibility, (it makes people watching easier) but I work out and lift weights, I like to think I could spring into action and surprise a few people in a crisis!
oh yes!
I enjoyed credibility for most of my life. I was a college prof. My volunteer work involved educating folks about economic circumstances in developing countries. When things became so politically divisive c.2016, suddenly i was ‘old,’ ‘getting batty,’ etc. it was a quick 180 degree turn around. The getting old card was played. I was effectively neutered. Sigh. And so….I publish a geopolitical substack here. Nobody here plays that card and I get to speak my mind. Thanks for listening ladies. https://dianekern.substack.com/
sounds like you are effectively tuning out the "delegitimizing" messages!
More or less. Love (B)old Age. Good job Debbie
As a woman who's never been externally beautiful, I don't know how "visible" I ever was in the first place. There is a certain power to invisibility. I've actually gotten free train rides a couple of times because the conductors literally walked past me as if I weren't there. (The flip side is being ignored in a restaurant where I'm trying to order food ...) It's nice not to have my every word and picture critiqued to pieces, to be over here in my corner doing my thing, out of the spotlight.
When it comes to tech, I am out of step--not because I'm incapable of understanding it, but because I find a lot of it alienating and intrusive and unnecessary. I'm happy being an "as-late-as-possible" adopter.
I just don't care about external validation. For me, growing older has been a joy in most ways: a mellowing, less focus on BS that doesn't really matter. The only thing I dread at this point is physical or mental debility (mine, my husband's, and my parents').
I am in a hiking club with a lot of 70+ members. They are still doing regular 8-mile hikes, paddling, bicycling, surfing, traveling. They are really showing me how long I may be able to engage in these activities. I think at 57 I am more fit than I was a couple of years ago, simply because I am now retired and can get more exercise (and sleep!) every day.
Jenn, I really like hearing your experience and your perspective - it's uplifting!
appropos... reading an article in The Guardian about a woman accused of deep-faking video. The quote is: "How does a 50-year-old woman deepfake something on a phone? You need pretty sophisticated editing capabilities."
And that is held up as a defence. This kind of thing... makes me feel like I might implode.
ha ha... yes. I was an early adopter with all things tech (blogging, Facebook, Twitter, etc.). But somehow I never learned how to use TikTok and am not planning to.
I am unsure from day to day whether I am ‘reaching old age’! At almost-59, the few silver hairs I have are staying put and not falling out anymore. My face contours are softer (*now* I understand the meaning of the word ‘faceLIFT’), and I never go anywhere without my reading glasses.
However: I am recovered from spinal surgery two years ago to the point where I am finally beginning to feel at home in my body again. I am in motion, getting strong, finding joy in physical activity, losing weight. So I feel younger than I have in years! And less invisible, because I am not hiding anymore in pain, misery, confusion.
My 60s are going to be great. It’s icing on the cake that my husband and I have the retirement countdown clock going. I am self-employed since getting off the corporate treadmill nine years ago, and more or less ready to stop. My contacts are retiring, which is unnerving, but so far I have been able to retain clients by successfully schmoozing the next-gen bosses. So far. But the insecurity does seep in and I would like to be free of requiring ‘legitimization’ in the working world.
Caroline, I love these two bits: "My 60s are going to be great" (yay!) and "I would love to be free of requiring legitimization..." (yes)
Being old has hit me like a sledgehammer. It feels like I woke one morning, looked in the mirror and wondered who that old lady was staring back. The being invisible can be the worst.
I’ve been working part time for a few years, necessitated by health issues, not age. I’m getting very close to having enough of working. My writing has recently been a savior, since most readers don’t check as to how many years I’ve been around.
Mostly, I defy the age critic by remaining present in my world.
I still have not found a way to become visible once again.
"I looked in the mirror and wondered who that old lady was staring back." Yes, I find this very disconcerting as well, but I'm working on embracing it and trying to see myself as still "me" but with lots of wrinkles. I wrote about what we see in the mirror: https://debbieweil.substack.com/p/mirror-mirror-at-age-71
Ha ha! I wrote a poem about 20 years ago about feeling like a has-been. I gave up on "being somebody" a long time ago, and try to get by in life doing what I enjoy, but not striving to make money, as that was so unsuccessful. I did manage to buy a house, though, and that gave me a kind of security from certain anxieties.
Jenny, you're definitely a "somebody" - just doing it in your own way!
Thanks Debbie. I still have way too much personal doubt, and do appreciate all my friends who keep me afloat. You are so inspiring! One of these days I'll figure out how to do my own writing blog on Substack instead of posting cute pictures on Facebook all the time. I find I want to write more than that platform celebrates.
Just living my life and contributing where I can.
good!!
I teach at a high school for performing arts and have another decade before I retire, but my boss keeps forgetting that. There is a strange assumption that I can't relate to the students because the gap is too big. Honestly, I find it incredibly freeing. I can talk to them about anything - even sex - because I am like a grandmother and (as they see me) asexual. I am also fine with tech. And have lived long enough to know that some things teens deal with are evergreen.
ha! great point: you can talk to hs students about anything!
I agree with Holly Baker- Technology may not be easy for me, but somehow I’ve figured out how to use 7 different electronic medical records, and I can do the fancy stuff on powerpoint and format any document … I know I learn from seeing and doing, but younger people like to ‘tell me how’ . Also in the outdoors- I’m an experienced hiker but somehow the young folks make a snap judgment that I might be frail and that I won’t know how to read a trail map- neither is remotely true. If someone is concerned, they should ASK jf if I need or want help, not assume that they need to instruct me on navigating a steep climb or managing a rock scrabble before we start.
agreed
My women friends and I have been asked if we need help on hiking trails since we were 21. As a slow swimmer, the ones in wetsuits stop and ask if I'm okay because I might be swimming sidestroke. It's really annoying but part of me remembers that most people are just trying to be helpful. These friends and I were independent field geologists in our careers and did all kinds of solo hiking in mountains with old fashioned maps, so don't need that kind of help. Sounds like you have experienced a lot of "mansplaining" too, or the equivalent thing from younger to older people.
yes, I suppose there is some "mansplaining" in my life; probably from my brother who is 13 years younger than me.
yes- I should be kinder- I know people honestly are trying to help. But I think a lot of assumptions get made when you have wrinkles or gray hair.
I once had a student describe a 60 year old cyclist who rides 20 miles a day as an 'old man on a bike' - I'm older than 60; it was hard to keep from asking him what he'd call someone who is 80 if 60 is 'old'!
As a [b]old woman I will generally speak my mind about anything... but sometimes I don't want to get into it!
I’ve been retired for more than ten years now. My life is very full and very rich. I live in a rural village, I do a lot of volunteering in a nearby community and I stay connected to others in many sensible, fulfilling ways. But yeah, you periodically have to turn the other cheek and just hope that you can teach others by example. Hugs to all.
... turn the other cheek... yes! And smile and be gracious. though that doesn't always come naturally to me!
I’m maybe an outlier here because I’m 39, but I love watching and learning from people ahead of me. I love picking up wisdom, especially from women…I feel my life is deeply enriched by applying what they’ve learned to my present experience. For what it’s worth, I don’t see age as much as I used to. My mom and my in laws are in their late 60s / early 70s and they are totally vital and thriving…it’s almost as if middle age has shifted up a couple of decades. I still think of 40s as quite young. And 60s as prime of life. And I feel like that’s the perspective of a lot of my cohort… I mean gen X is in their 50s? Those were always the cool kids!!
Isabel, a very interesting point: "middle age has shifted up a couple of decades... " I would have agreed with you completely even five years ago, but turning 70 feels different. It's not old-old, just young-old! Trying to embrace it... xx
After reading some of the other comments, I feel like maybe I’m in the generation that didn’t feel as much of the delegitimization of women (56 next month). As for feeling delegitimized for my age, again, I guess it’s perspective. I was only in “corporate America” for a short time and spent much of my adult life self employed. The nature of my work tends to value the older, wiser folks who’ve been around the block and have more experience, so in that I’ve been lucky.
However, where I’m feeling the most pressure is in “physical looks”. With the proliferation of visual social media, short attention spans, and in-your-face stimulation, those of us who allow our gray to shine, have hips that show we’ve given birth, and enjoy cooking and eating good food seem to be often ignored. Case in point, I have a YouTube channel that features kayak fishing. There aren’t many women with these types of channels and, as expected, most of my subscribers are men. Essentially I’ve been told that if I flashed more skin I’d get a better following and more views. Since I know my chest size has nothing to do with how well the fish bite, that’s not happening 😂. Either way, while I still fish, I don’t post video like I used to.
Suzanne, keep posting video!! Sounds like you're really good at kayak fishing.
Aww, thank you 💖
Oh my goodness!! I’d call that the delegitimisation of women in general!!! OMG!! SubStack and Tumblr are the only two social media I partake in, and the only two that seem to respect people based on content rather than gender. But that view is enhanced by me being very careful about who I engage with. My ‘mutuals’ are uplifting, caring people. I’m so thankful for such positive experiences. Enjoy your kayak fishing. It sounds amazing.
Thank you, and yes, I also have greatly limited who I interact with on socials (if we can say where or how we know each other, then we stay connected). And after finding Substack and seeing how folks interact here, it’s been very easy to disengage from other platforms 🙂
Assuming I can’t do anything with technology drives me crazy. I’m almost 60. During the pandemic I was teaching, and when we had to figure out how to manage everything online I had a better handle on the situation, than most of my colleagues. And that was according to our IT support person, not my own assessment. So, please don’t mansplain how to use QR codes. If I want help, I’ll ask.
I’m 65 and ex-IT and I still get so many startled comments from youngsters when I use my much-loved Apple Watch to pay for things.
I am struggling with this. I was very fortunate to be able to retire early at age 54. I'm now 61 and regret that I labeled myself as a retired person. What I should have said was I'm leaving the 9-5 corporate world to pursue my dream of writing. I hate that I have this regret. But it stems from a subtle shift in how people treat me. It's so subtle that it's almost imperceptible, but I feel it deeply. I'm blessed to have a wonderful circle of women friends (from early 50's to 70+). We are physical together (triathlon), have fun together (ride jet skis), eat and drink wine together, etc. My hope is that as younger people see us living our best lives, the stereotypes will gradually disappear. It will take many generations, but I think we're off to a great start.
I am lucky to be in a profession that I can practice differently without fully retiring. In medical school I loved surgery and seriously considered it as a profession. However, well aware that great aunts and great great aunts, and great grandmothers had frequently led active lives to 100 was exciting, but sobering. Generally most (but not all) surgeons start to retire in their early to mid 60s. Hand surgeons and a few other types of surgeons who can operate sitting down, may work longer. But I knew that even I, would have hesitate to choose an 80 yo surgeon. Luckily I also loved psychiatry, where one can practice much longer, even into one's 80's if in good health. Even when one no longer wants to manage a full practice, one can gradually cut back to part-time, teach, and do initial consultations and referrals, without providing full-time patient care.
At 71, I finally feel ready for a change from full-time practice with night and weekend emergencies. Choosing to be a psychiatrist instead of a surgeon, allows me flexibility to increase the time I spend doing consultations and briefer treatments, continue with some patients I have seen for for a long time, and increase the time I consult with organizations about employee health, fitness for duty and mental health policy development----areas with only the rare urgent or emergency issues to solve. I will still teach residents.
It's not always easy to tell long-time patients that I plan to significantly cut back on prescribing medication. However, casual reading about new drugs without enough day to day experience in using them, has convinced me that I (and they) are better off with younger psychopharmacologists making their medication decisions. I am getting some pushback, but standing firm. I am no longer interested or able to work 60 to 80 hour weeks. But neither am I eager not to work. I probably have been thinking about this since the day I choose psychiatry over surgery. It's not accidental that. I focused my post residency studies not only on learning psychoanalysis, but also on organizational and occupational psychiatry. I have been interested in how people choose work situations and how organizations handle employees with a variety of personalities, varying levels of mental health, and how the organization positively and negatively influences the mental health and developmental growth of employees.
Reading your essay, I wonder if it's not too late for you to refocus rather than stay fully retired. Perhaps you simply took a needed break to re-evaluate your future plans having already severed the professional obligations that can cloud our retirement planning. You could start writing again and describe yourself as a writer. Or think about how the skills you developed during your professional life could be directed to other areas of endeavor. People sometimes want to retire, or at least have an extended sabbatical, only to find that they want to write, want to participate in an entirely new area of endeavor, or want to coach or even return to their former profession. When one is in the thick of full-time work, it's often difficult to step back and make these plans..
Even if you didn't tell yourself you were going to write, or change your work focus to a related or unrelated area---it's not too late to do that now. Younger people take sabbaticals. Some find they miss their old work, others find different areas of work to pursue. Our age doesn't prevent that, unless, perhaps one's original occupation was professional athlete or astronaut. Even in those types of profressions, sometimes one can repurpose that experience to coach or to help younger people in those areas plan for their futures. Historically, average lifespans were shorter, although some have always have lived long enough to be an elder. We spend so long working towards our first career, but only relatively recently (in the evolution of humanoids) have had the expectation of a possibly long older age, with the possibility of second age third careers. This requires rethinking work (paid or unpaid) over the course of our life cycles. Now that you announced a definite retirement and have tried that out, it may be time to experiment with other options, such as writing or any other activity you may want to experiment with. A surprising number of people are finding that they wanted a different blend of leisure and work thsn they initially imagined. It's ok to partially or fully "un-retire." Or even to choose one's own language to describe no longer working in only one arena. If you consider yourself a writer. It's no one's business how many hours a day you choose to pursue that.
Our current life stage, can afford us a chance to re-imagine ourselves, or try endeavors that may have seemed impractical to our younger selves.
I think any old woman isn't just discovering 'delegitimization'. We've lived with it forever. How do I deal with it? I don't. In fact, if anything, I feel freer now than I ever have in my entire life, and I can chalk it up to being so old I've either outlived or outgrown everyone who was ever an obstacle in my life.
I'm on my own now and, aside from missing my husband, I'm loving each and every new discovery. (If I don't love a discovery, I toss it out or move on. I have that luxury now--self-imposed.)
At the same time, I'm keenly aware of women who aren't as fortunate, who aren't in a position to say 'screw it' to obstacles and barriers and I'm not shy about calling out those people and those factors that stand in their way.
In so many ways it's good to be old. I don't plan on wasting a single minute of it wondering what it's all about. 😏💕
Great questions! Growing older = growing wiser and more balanced = a different kind of vibrant curiosity and energy. Mindset is huge - I feel as if I'm in my 30s. Hope and enthusiasm simmers more than 35 years ago, when it used to boil over. When I read and hear things associated with "old(er)" people, my asterisk is *that doesn't apply to me. I ignore it! I still work, am super physically active, still eager for what's next.
Such a great question, it makes me think. Something very weird happened to me this year (I will turn 72 in July). I finished a book, a dream I'd lugged around since forever. The idea came to me out of the ether while sitting under a mango tree in Aruba with my stepson, a Generation Xer who quit the rat race to start an Aruban surf shop with his best friend. Their bold leap inspired me so much I spent the next three years writing a creative nonfiction book that combines memoir, biography and practical philosophies about pursuing a passion. Writing "Little Giant," due out this summer, was probably the hardest thing I ever did. Coming from traditional publishing and a background as a professional editor, I thought, I'll nail this. I had so much learn about writing long form, it practically felled me. But damn it, I kept going, putting one word down and then another. I ignored all the naysayers, including my own inner tyrant. I had the gift of desperation. I mean, really, how many years do I have left? The lessons I learned from writing the book--the need for a healthy obsessive focus, giving up false perfectionist ideals, and savoring the small moments--have had a calming influence on my over-achiever instincts. In short, I'm happier than I have ever have been. Thank you for the question. I absolutely love Bold Age.
Congratulations on writing a book!
I’m volunteering at Camp Good Grief. A place for children who have lost a parent, sibling, etc. It keeps me feeling very relevant. The training to be accepted into this program is extensive, interesting and eye opening.
I tune it out. It’s obvious at times as people see you’re a senior so must be challenged, deaf, not tech savvy, slow. I am not letting it in. It’s not me, yet. Head high and don’t let the ‘bleepers’ get you down. I write and I read and savor every retired moment. I am thankful for every new day.
PS Are you back from Europe? I am in Paris at this very moment, but returning to London tomorrow.
I’m back in the U.S. after our (too long) trip.
Just be you. Just keep doing, being, making, writing, enjoy what you enjoy. Ignore the messages. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Accept that you may need to rest a bit more (still planning a post about this if I get the energy) but honestly people think that because we look a bit old and sometimes decrepit that we are over the hill. Ignore it. Don't FEEL over the hill. I don't.
ha! that pretty much sums it up: “don’t let the bastards get you down”!