Thank you so much for this post! I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago in my mid 40s and it has made such a difference to me. I have had a lifetime of failure, due to getting distracted away from my goals and not being able to sustain the pace I set myself. I often feel pretty despondent about this, but am hoping to find strategies to overcome these difficulties and to better fulfil my potential. It is so reassuring when I find other women who I look up to who have been able to live with and build good lives with ADHD.
One of my strategies for when I am talking with friends and family is to knit (or do something similar) as it helps me remain more focused while they talk. It isn’t perfect but it helps! And I am honest when my attention slips. I tell them that I am very interested in what they are saying but could they just rewind a moment…?
Debbie and Erin, this discussion was jaw dropping for me and may even be a new beginning for me in understanding my own journey. I was diagnosed in my late 40s. I share every single one of the traits you described, Debbie, and also have an opposite spouse. 😊 The timeliness observation re five year plans and vision boards is spot on! Reading your first person accounts makes me wonder if I can find a few other ADHD women to talk to occasionally so I can truly feel understood. Shared experience is so often the best medicine, right? Debbie, I don’t know if you realized I’ve continued to read your writing all these years - because I love your writing, for sure, and also because of our Pam origin connection.
Jen, finally getting back to you with a proper reply! Yes, I also treasure our connection through Pam Slim. I recently signed up for one ”strategy” session with her. She asks such good questions and is remarkably insightful (as you know). On the topic of ADHD, don’t misunderstand… it is continually a challenge (I’d even call it a struggle) on a daily basis. Over the course of a long relationship there’s a lot of history, which too often leads to “but you always… “ Suffice it to say that we’ve got a good therapist. hugs xx
Fascinating. There are so many ‘tags’ these days. I tend to assume that most of us are a ‘bit autistic’, ‘on the spectrum’ and just let it go, but this really sounds like my niece whose son has been diagnosed with ADHD and who has been severely struggling with extreme mood swings and depression herself for so many years. I’ll pass this article onto my sister who can consider whether it might be worthwhile passing it on further. (There’s another full moon at the moment so everything has just fallen in a heap for them yet again. Sigh.)
I’m definitely different to others, but my brain works in a more measured way which makes managing life SO much easier. If I’m more like your husband, I can imagine why he’d struggle with your ‘behaviour’ (ouch), but it’s so clear here that it’s not ‘behaviour’ but the actual underlying setup of the brain and how it works. Congratulations on developing techniques that help you manage life. It definitely isn’t easy for you. Sigh.
Thanks so much for this. Sending heaps of hugs and best wishes. Take care dear Debbie.
Debbie, how best to support an ADD spouse who doesn't really think that it's a big deal - or even an issue? Trying to avoid the parent/child dynamic is super challenging to me and I recognize I'm the over functioning one reading online/books etc. I applaud you for doing everything you can and more!
Oof, Sue. I hear that you're open to advice and honestly I don't know much in this department, but I do wonder if you've said a version of what you said to us? "I am feeling lonely, irritated, and frustrated in my efforts to do my own thing and leave you be, but I'm also really scared if I bring up my struggles again that I'll into a parental role—neither are the type of relationship dynamic I want. Are you able to treat my struggles in this relationship as your own? Will you work with me to approach this as a team, so I don't feel like the lonely outlier in our relationship?"
Absolutely - many times in various gentle and not so gentle ways! The main issue is that he really, truly does not understand and downplays the problem, if any. He is not receptive to therapy which I do understand. (He's in his late seventies). But when I feel he is not even trying or acknowledging how it affects me, I obviously feel hurt and sometimes hopeless that nothing will change.
Ugh, those responses would make me feel hurt and hopeless, too. I'm sorry you're not receiving the support you need from your partner. Mine is currently very depressed and struggling to take meaningful action toward feeling better, and while this is completely understandable and relatable, it's causing me all sorts of panic and worry and resentment. If there's one thing I know about relationships, it's that we are almost never the one who can change the other's mind about something. If your spouse doesn't understand or downplays the problem, I agree with Debbie that perhaps reading about it in a book could help more than, say, you reading the book and then talking to him about it. Sounds like he might need an outside perspective to unlock a new level of understanding.
Debbie, I am an adult ADD/ADHD without a clinical diagnosis but I have suffered with being constantly distracted to the point that my wife and I have a "joke" that comes from my blurting out,
" Look, there's a chicken!" I point out things that I am observing and I am constantly observing to her being annoyed at times. My challenge is to focus and concentrate. Before the "discovery" of ADD there were other labels for the behaviors. Here's a link to the history:
As an educator, one of my concerns for children was their being medicated improperly as we witnessed with the use of Ritalin. If I haven't shared it before here is a good story from the late Ken Robinson and a link to his illustrated talk that includes his remarks about ADD and prescription drugs. Enjoy:
The links are worth the time when you have it. The late Ken Robinson was a fresh voice in education, especially on the topic of creativity. He wrote several books having to do with revolutionizing education. He suffered polio as a child which is why his remark about his connection to ballet was amusing. He had a terrific sense of humor. I admired him greatly and he was one I referred to often in my work with schools, parents and communities.
Love that you shared that bit about the chicken! My husband has ADD hugely (not being treated and only diagnosed via a cursory quiz at our GP) but what you describe is classic. I will be right in the middle of sharing something poignant or extremely personal - often while driving - and he blurts out:"There goes a '57 Chevy!" and begins to expand on how rare this is etc.and how it's so important, he didn't want me to miss. I have to know, was your chicken crossing the road lol?
OMG, I do exactly the same with cars too…No, my “chicken” was often out in a field. I even read the signs on the sides of trucks while passing because I want to know where they are based, how far they’ve come, etc.
I started reading signs out loud when I was a wee child learning to read and still doing it to her dismay. At least now, I try and stop myself before just throwing up the words out loud. It’s a constant battle.
Big yes to license plates. We traveled a lot via RV, thousands of miles for some 20+ years so there was much time on the road environment, thus the behaviors. BTW, I took a test from a group of behavioral psychologists and came out high ADHD. Here's the link but Wisely is regarded as a scam. Proceed knowingly:
I've always thought that if someone isn't ADHD before they became a journalist, working for a newspaper will soon make them so. Newsrooms are chockablock with it.
Tom, I first read this as "being ADHD is also a job," period. And I thought, wow this guy is spot on; it IS like a full-time job dealing with ADHD, when one is the person who has it.
I enjoyed listening to this. My husband thinks that I have ADHD, I’m 64 work par time as a journalist and I don’t know what good it would do me at this age to get diagnosed.
I do love using a smart phone to keep a calendar. I put reminders on for what time I need to be getting dressed and what time I need to get out of the door to arrive somewhere on time.
I enter a huge black hole of time whenever I get dressed.
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/e_trim:10:white/e_trim:10:transparent/h_72,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fb939748d-5d80-4d0f-867c-2ed252ac633c_1344x256.png)
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_36,h_36,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fdb1d7636-a0e5-44ef-846d-a6df558eff16_1280x1280.png)
it makes me so happy to see this live! here's to more adhd awareness and love in the future 🩷
Debbie, and Erin
Thank you so much for this post! I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago in my mid 40s and it has made such a difference to me. I have had a lifetime of failure, due to getting distracted away from my goals and not being able to sustain the pace I set myself. I often feel pretty despondent about this, but am hoping to find strategies to overcome these difficulties and to better fulfil my potential. It is so reassuring when I find other women who I look up to who have been able to live with and build good lives with ADHD.
One of my strategies for when I am talking with friends and family is to knit (or do something similar) as it helps me remain more focused while they talk. It isn’t perfect but it helps! And I am honest when my attention slips. I tell them that I am very interested in what they are saying but could they just rewind a moment…?
Debbie and Erin, this discussion was jaw dropping for me and may even be a new beginning for me in understanding my own journey. I was diagnosed in my late 40s. I share every single one of the traits you described, Debbie, and also have an opposite spouse. 😊 The timeliness observation re five year plans and vision boards is spot on! Reading your first person accounts makes me wonder if I can find a few other ADHD women to talk to occasionally so I can truly feel understood. Shared experience is so often the best medicine, right? Debbie, I don’t know if you realized I’ve continued to read your writing all these years - because I love your writing, for sure, and also because of our Pam origin connection.
Yesss we’re out here and it’s so important we talk to and support one another. It’s so refreshing to talk to someone where it just feels seamless.
Jen, finally getting back to you with a proper reply! Yes, I also treasure our connection through Pam Slim. I recently signed up for one ”strategy” session with her. She asks such good questions and is remarkably insightful (as you know). On the topic of ADHD, don’t misunderstand… it is continually a challenge (I’d even call it a struggle) on a daily basis. Over the course of a long relationship there’s a lot of history, which too often leads to “but you always… “ Suffice it to say that we’ve got a good therapist. hugs xx
Jennifer, I just love hearing from you! xx
Fascinating. There are so many ‘tags’ these days. I tend to assume that most of us are a ‘bit autistic’, ‘on the spectrum’ and just let it go, but this really sounds like my niece whose son has been diagnosed with ADHD and who has been severely struggling with extreme mood swings and depression herself for so many years. I’ll pass this article onto my sister who can consider whether it might be worthwhile passing it on further. (There’s another full moon at the moment so everything has just fallen in a heap for them yet again. Sigh.)
I’m definitely different to others, but my brain works in a more measured way which makes managing life SO much easier. If I’m more like your husband, I can imagine why he’d struggle with your ‘behaviour’ (ouch), but it’s so clear here that it’s not ‘behaviour’ but the actual underlying setup of the brain and how it works. Congratulations on developing techniques that help you manage life. It definitely isn’t easy for you. Sigh.
Thanks so much for this. Sending heaps of hugs and best wishes. Take care dear Debbie.
Debbie, how best to support an ADD spouse who doesn't really think that it's a big deal - or even an issue? Trying to avoid the parent/child dynamic is super challenging to me and I recognize I'm the over functioning one reading online/books etc. I applaud you for doing everything you can and more!
Oof, Sue. I hear that you're open to advice and honestly I don't know much in this department, but I do wonder if you've said a version of what you said to us? "I am feeling lonely, irritated, and frustrated in my efforts to do my own thing and leave you be, but I'm also really scared if I bring up my struggles again that I'll into a parental role—neither are the type of relationship dynamic I want. Are you able to treat my struggles in this relationship as your own? Will you work with me to approach this as a team, so I don't feel like the lonely outlier in our relationship?"
Absolutely - many times in various gentle and not so gentle ways! The main issue is that he really, truly does not understand and downplays the problem, if any. He is not receptive to therapy which I do understand. (He's in his late seventies). But when I feel he is not even trying or acknowledging how it affects me, I obviously feel hurt and sometimes hopeless that nothing will change.
Ugh, those responses would make me feel hurt and hopeless, too. I'm sorry you're not receiving the support you need from your partner. Mine is currently very depressed and struggling to take meaningful action toward feeling better, and while this is completely understandable and relatable, it's causing me all sorts of panic and worry and resentment. If there's one thing I know about relationships, it's that we are almost never the one who can change the other's mind about something. If your spouse doesn't understand or downplays the problem, I agree with Debbie that perhaps reading about it in a book could help more than, say, you reading the book and then talking to him about it. Sounds like he might need an outside perspective to unlock a new level of understanding.
Sue, now that is interesting. It sounds like an even bigger challenge...
I am very open to any help or advice. Just "doing my own thing" and managing my irritation feels very lonely.
he's even got a book called MARRIED TO DISTRACTION (didn't realize he has a whole "Distraction" series). https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345508009
Helpful - thank you!
check out all of Edward Hallowell MD's books, including DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION. https://drhallowell.com/read/books-by-ned/ And more resources on his site https://drhallowell.com/
Debbie, I am an adult ADD/ADHD without a clinical diagnosis but I have suffered with being constantly distracted to the point that my wife and I have a "joke" that comes from my blurting out,
" Look, there's a chicken!" I point out things that I am observing and I am constantly observing to her being annoyed at times. My challenge is to focus and concentrate. Before the "discovery" of ADD there were other labels for the behaviors. Here's a link to the history:
https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/history
As an educator, one of my concerns for children was their being medicated improperly as we witnessed with the use of Ritalin. If I haven't shared it before here is a good story from the late Ken Robinson and a link to his illustrated talk that includes his remarks about ADD and prescription drugs. Enjoy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnzTHB2G6cE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1yl0MFYzXc
Gary, can't wait for a moment to follow all your links!
The links are worth the time when you have it. The late Ken Robinson was a fresh voice in education, especially on the topic of creativity. He wrote several books having to do with revolutionizing education. He suffered polio as a child which is why his remark about his connection to ballet was amusing. He had a terrific sense of humor. I admired him greatly and he was one I referred to often in my work with schools, parents and communities.
Love that you shared that bit about the chicken! My husband has ADD hugely (not being treated and only diagnosed via a cursory quiz at our GP) but what you describe is classic. I will be right in the middle of sharing something poignant or extremely personal - often while driving - and he blurts out:"There goes a '57 Chevy!" and begins to expand on how rare this is etc.and how it's so important, he didn't want me to miss. I have to know, was your chicken crossing the road lol?
OMG, I do exactly the same with cars too…No, my “chicken” was often out in a field. I even read the signs on the sides of trucks while passing because I want to know where they are based, how far they’ve come, etc.
I started reading signs out loud when I was a wee child learning to read and still doing it to her dismay. At least now, I try and stop myself before just throwing up the words out loud. It’s a constant battle.
License plates too!!! Strangely comforting, this is - thanks Gary for responding :)
Oh my goodness! My whole family does this! (And then we go back to the previous conversation). Fascinating!
Big yes to license plates. We traveled a lot via RV, thousands of miles for some 20+ years so there was much time on the road environment, thus the behaviors. BTW, I took a test from a group of behavioral psychologists and came out high ADHD. Here's the link but Wisely is regarded as a scam. Proceed knowingly:
https://neurolaunch.com/wisely-adhd/
Will def check this out - many cheers!
I've always thought that if someone isn't ADHD before they became a journalist, working for a newspaper will soon make them so. Newsrooms are chockablock with it.
ha! Tom, I bet you’re right. I know it worked for me when I was a reporter; probably why that’s always been my favorite job. What about you??
Oh yeah. Being ADHD is also a job requirement.
Tom, I first read this as "being ADHD is also a job," period. And I thought, wow this guy is spot on; it IS like a full-time job dealing with ADHD, when one is the person who has it.
I enjoyed listening to this. My husband thinks that I have ADHD, I’m 64 work par time as a journalist and I don’t know what good it would do me at this age to get diagnosed.
I do love using a smart phone to keep a calendar. I put reminders on for what time I need to be getting dressed and what time I need to get out of the door to arrive somewhere on time.
I enter a huge black hole of time whenever I get dressed.
I also have problems with procrastination