Me, My Editor, and ADHD

Erin Shetron’s Q&A with me, [B]old Woman Debbie Weil

If you prefer, you can listen to my audio recording of this Q&A.

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After working together for a year, Erin Shetron knows me quite well. She understands me, as a writer, and, increasingly, as a person. She knows when I need to go deeper, to get closer to the truth, and maybe most important, she’s turned me on to the semi-colon and encouraged me to write more lyrically. But we have more in common than an obsession with punctuation and writing style; we were both diagnosed, as adults, with ADHD.

Debbie and Erin, on a Zoom.

You probably know that ADHD is often associated with young children who can’t sit still; hence Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder¹. But you may not know that it’s estimated that over 15 million² adults (about six percent of the U.S. adult population) have ADHD. For adults, and especially for women, ADHD is still misunderstood and often misdiagnosed as depression or anxiety or even bipolar disorder. It presents as a cluster of behaviors that can include trouble focussing on one task, difficulty with executive functioning³, a constant desire for novelty, and, often, emotional dysregulation: feeling intense emotions and having difficulty modulating or expressing them. A person, an adult or a child, with ADHD may feel acutely aware of “not fitting in” to society’s norms; of course, continued efforts to try to fit in and to be accepted often lead to anxiety and depression. 

Today, I’m turning the tables of my [B]old Women Q&A series. Erin will be asking the questions, and I’ll be answering. 

Please meet us in the comments to continue this conversation!

ES: Debbie, you were diagnosed with ADHD in your 40s, in 1995. As someone who was diagnosed in their early 30s only a few years ago, it feels like a small miracle that you were able to get a diagnosis back then, especially as a woman. Can you tell us how you got diagnosed?

DW: Our son, who is now in his mid-40s, was diagnosed as a 14-year-old by a child psychiatrist. It was a surprise to us, as he’d always been a very good student, so I delved into researching ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder, as it was commonly called back then) and soon ran across a new book by Edward Hallowell MD, published in 1994, with the cleverly apt title, Driven to Distraction. 

I was browsing in a little book shop in New York City’s SoHo when I first spied the cover with its distinctive title in bright red font and an image of multi-colored arrows flying rather menacingly towards a small figure. The book promised to help readers “recognize and cope with ADD from childhood through adulthood.” I read it cover to cover in one gulp, amazed, fascinated, horrified, and relieved all at once, for Hallowell’s book described perfectly our son… and me⁴. 

The book answered so many questions about Tim’s problems in school (he did well enough grades-wise, but he didn’t seem to know what day of the week it was or when his assignments were due or how to organize his homework), as well as my own challenges as a young adult, through college, and even up to that moment. I knew I was smart, but I procrastinated constantly, couldn’t seem to get organized to write a school essay or, later, a reporter’s story, spoke or acted impulsively at times and generally suffered from trouble getting things done and feelings of inadequacy (I was an intelligent person; what was wrong with me??). 

When I mentioned this ADD revelation to my parents, they scoffed, disbelieving me. “But you’re so smart, Debbie,” they said. Their skeptical response strengthened my desire for an official diagnosis–I desperately wanted an explanation for my impulsive behavior and poor self-esteem.

So I got on a plane and flew from DC to Boston, to meet with Dr. Hallowell himself, the very man whose book totally changed my understanding of my son and me, for one “therapy” session. It didn’t take long for him to nod and smile in his dimly-lit Cambridge office; I left with his scribbled diagnosis, “Yes, you have ADD - Ned Hallowell MD,” inscribed on the frontispiece of my copy⁵ of his book. 

Erin, that was a roundabout, very ADHD kind of answer to your question.  I’m going to call it a purposeful digression. As soon as I read Hallowell’s book, I was certain that I had ADD, but I wanted proof. Of course, my parents still didn’t believe me or understand how or why it explained so much about the depression and frustration I felt during my teenage and young adult years, and later in my life as a young mother and wife. And, as you know, bouts of depression still plague me. On the brighter side, I understood our son better. To his credit, he handled his own ADD medication while he was in boarding school (he took Ritalin in the morning for his classes, but let it wear off for sports in the afternoon); later he wrote his college thesis about ADD⁶. 

ES: I remember such a mix of feelings when I was first diagnosed—doomed, liberated, mournful, confused, hopeful. Do you remember how it felt upon first receiving your official diagnosis from Dr. Hallowell?

DW: Oops, apologies. My brain went racing ahead and I believe I answered that question above. A brain that moves quickly, often too quickly, and takes odd detours, is another feature of adult ADHD. But, in summary, I felt relieved, and even vindicated.

ES: How would you describe your ADHD now, in your 70s?

DW: That is such a good question. It’s a part of who I am and how I operate and, for the most part, I have accepted that. I try all the time (although am not always successful) to slow down, to speak and think less quickly, so as not to confuse or annoy people. Over the years I’ve learned all sorts of “tricks” to improve my executive functioning. A primary hack has to do with developing my sense of the passage of time⁷. If I have a 10 AM appointment, for example, I remind myself to back up and think through how long it will take to get there, what time I should leave the house, and, importantly, what time I should start getting ready. If I don’t plan, the minutes speed by, unnoticed, and I won’t think about leaving til 9:55 AM. This used to drive my husband wild. He’d tell me, “We have a 7:30 PM, dinner reservation, okay?” I’d say, “sure,” but I wouldn’t start getting changed to go out until 7:25 PM. That “timeliness” hack is automatic now. 

ES: What are some rewards of your ADHD?

DW: Oh Erin, I love thinking about the rewards. I’m proud of my fast-moving, fast-thinking brain and the odd detours it takes. That has stood me in good stead in all my years of working as a reporter and editor, and now as a regular writer here; I feel that I’m able to think in original ways. 

Also, writing gets easier (and I procrastinate less) the more I write and the less I get in my own way. Actually, not getting in my own way has less to do with ADHD and more to do with writing more and writing regularly. My favorite journalism professor used to say about becoming a better writer, “It’s not quality, it’s quantity;” meaning, the more you write, the more you will improve as a writer. Just do it, stop judging yourself, and don’t obsess about it, which, as a perfectionist, is a strong tendency for me.

ES: What are some challenges?

DW: I knew you’d ask this. My single biggest challenge is slowing down the way I think, speak, and react in order to stay in sync with my husband (with whom I’m still very much in love), who has a totally different style. He is a calm, logical thinker and I am always leaping ahead as he speaks. I often interrupt him, without meaning to, and, understandably, he hates that. He asks me regularly “to change my behavior;” it’s very hard for me to do. This mismatch of speeds is the single biggest irritant in our marriage, so I try all the time to modulate my impulsive speech and reactions in order to improve our relationship. Of course, being accepted, liked, and loved is something I crave, and not just by my husband.

But even though there’s much more understanding of and acceptance of neuro-diversity⁸ these days, I don’t think most people (and I include school teachers) are actually that tolerant of different “styles” of learning and communicating. I can think of a few close friends (or fellow ADHD-ers) who don’t mind when I speak in tangents that are logical to me. Ironically, when someone accepts my ADHD style, and seems to like me anyway, it’s easier for me to modulate my behavior.

ES: A few weeks ago, on a video call, we both fell into a fit of laughter after I asked if you'd heard what I said. You said yes (unconvincingly), then I asked if you wanted me to repeat myself and you said yes again (sheepishly). I am smiling now just thinking about it! I think because I also have ADHD, if I see that your brain has already moved onto the next thing while I'm talking, it's no big deal. We can just laugh about it. I also know that, occasionally, some people in my life are quite impatient with me when I'm the one mentally running off mid-conversation. I'm curious how the people in your life respond to your faster-than-light thinking and if you've had to learn any skills for navigating their response.

DW: The people in my life (and that includes my children) don’t respond well. What helps me is to stay in the moment and concentrate very hard on what my friend or family member is saying. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to slow down, and pay more attention, without making an extra effort. 

I am discriminate, however; it depends whom I’m speaking with. When I’m brainstorming with a storyteller for the women’s storytelling event⁹ I direct every winter in Maine, I find it easy to let them spin out their ideas as long as they want, without interrupting. I am always mindful of what an honor it is that they are willing to share their most personal stories with me.

ES: Do you do much reading/learning about ADHD anymore, or does it feel like a known entity? If the former, tell us a little about the kinds of ADHD-friendly content you’re enjoying lately.

DW: I don’t do much research on ADHD anymore or seek out any special information. But your question is a good reminder that I should probably do so. 

ES: You wrote very openly about dealing with a bout of summertime depression a few months ago. One of my first thoughts was that, from an ADHD perspective, it really made sense: everyday structures that are in place during other times of the year are suddenly gone, routines are out of whack, and there's not that forward momentum, that feeling of progress that can be so satisfying and necessary to our brains. What correlation do you sense between your ADHD and depression? How are you feeling now?

DW: I think there’s definitely a connection between ADHD and depression. It’s related to the awareness that I am a bit different, that I don’t entirely fit in, that my parents had trouble accepting me for who I am–and that those experiences have made me feel bad about myself, at least some of the time. Reminding myself of this helps me get through occasional bouts of depression. BTW, I’ve changed my medication slightly¹⁰ and am feeling just fine right now. 

ES: If you could give a single piece of wisdom to a newly-diagnosed person, young or old, what would it be?

DW: Treasure what makes you “different” because it really is a superpower!  I love the fact that I am able to think differently, to see connections that others miss, and that I lean into curiosity and questioning the status quo. When I’m feeling good, I feel passionate about so many things. 

ES: Thank you for these answers, Debbie! I loved hearing your story of self-diagnosis especially, and I can completely relate to the intense effort it takes to pay full and close attention during conversations (even with loved ones), the relief of finding people who accept or match my conversation style, and the joys (and pains!) of feeling like your brain works differently than others. Working with you is such a joy, and thank you for inviting me on this special edition of your [B]old Women Q&A.

DW: Erin, this Q&A has been revelatory for me, too. Thank YOU!

Questions for readers

• Do you know if you have people with ADHD in your life and if so, how do you relate to them?

• If you have ADHD yourself, as an older adult, what are your best coping strategies?

• Do you have a partner who thinks and speaks at a different rate than you? How do you make adjustments so you each feel understood and heard? 

1. ADHD as defined by the National Institute of Mental Health.

2. According to an Oct. 2024 report by the CDC.

3. Executive functioning is described as a set of cognitive processes that help people plan, solve problems, and interact with others.

4. Hallowell explains in his book that many parents, when learning about ADD in their child, quickly discover that the symptoms of restlessness, difficulty with executive functioning, and feeling misunderstood apply to them too. 

5. I treasured my autographed copy of Driven to Distraction for many years, but, alas, I seem to have lost it.

6. Our son is now a corporate lawyer for Google.

7. I wonder if difficulty with the sensation of time passing, either looking ahead or looking back, is a distinct symptom of ADHD. I noticed that you talked about this in your recent essay. You wrote, “... important dates slip through the cracks of my brain like water through stones. This blindspot has its disadvantages, and not just for looking backwards. I am not a big dreamer. I’ve never had a five-year plan. I’ve never made a vision board.”  This totally resonates with me; I have the same challenge.

8. Definition of neuro-diversity.

9. I am directing the seventh annual performance of Island Women Speak in Stonington, Maine, on Jan. 23, 2025. 

10.  I’ve added a tiny daily dose of 25mg of Sertraline (aka Zoloft) to the Bupropion (aka Wellbutrin) that I’ve been taking for years. It seems to work.