Harvard, AB '78. Just a note about reunions - even though your class had 1500 people in it, and some go on to great heights (Arthur Golden and Deval Patrick from my class), the majority of your classmates do not show up for reunions. I think that means something, but I am not sure what.
Hi Michael! You're right and I'm not sure either what that means. The reason I get involved with my reunions is because I get to interact with cool classmates that I didn't know when I was in college. Especially the women...
Well, the 50th is the last big one. I attended my 25th and enjoyed the return to Cambridge. I will probably attend my 50th in 2028, barring unforeseen circumstances. Harvard was one of those unanticipated things that gave me my current life, and I remember it fondly.
Have fun at your reunion! There are probably a bunch of [B]OLD AGE stories waiting to be told.
Debbie! I’m so glad to be here. I’m 39 and just had a baby and every time I have a new child (this is my 4th!) I feel the poignancy you describe. With my first, I remember walking in NYC (I left my apartment when I clearly should’ve been resting and recovering) and I felt frail and halting and I suddenly realized what it felt like to be in a vulnerable body. I have never forgotten that. These baby slow downs help me relish life more deeply—even though I know I’ll speed up again. But it’s a taste of that gentle, reflective “being” that you describe. I am glad to be here and to have the chance to pull that POV forward to enrich the days ahead. Thank you 🧡
I guess I am suspicious of the sea of positivity. I figure it works out for “some.” I hope there is such bounty, but I have trouble looking ahead and seeing that. I do hope for a sustainable someday. I love the mindfulness steps you are taking.
In a previous life, before social media and business communication, I was a psychologist. Attached to an email I sent you is the ms of a self-dev book I wrote in 1999, way before Positive Psychology became the only way to live your live <sarcasm>.
The challenge I have always had with Positive Psychology is that it does not allow for the full rich tapestry of life, INCLUDING sadness and melancholia. The reason PP has not gained a large following in the world outside of the USA is that we generally accept that happiness is not 100% of our lives, and we give a respectful space to the less-joyous parts of life. “Nothing ever grows without some rain”. We don’t believe that life can be fully lived if one spends all one’s time asking if they are doing enough to warrant feeling happy.
Anyway, my ms might help you with where you are at.
Blatant plug: It’s on sale in all good Amazon bookshops 😊
Lee, I love your perspective from Down Under — it’s always helpful. And yes, this is precisely what’s wrong with PP. At least superficially, it asks the question “How can I be happy?” When the question really is “How can I be human?” Thinking you gotta be a guest contributor to [B]old Age!
I spend several months a year in sub-Saharan Africa (Zambia, Botswana, Kenya). It's wonderful to be in a place where grey hair is met with respect, almost honor. It helps me reshape my Western attitude about getting slower, weaker. It is as though they (OK, broad generalization, but mostly true) still look at age as an accomplishment. As you say, Debbie, we often look at it as almost a failure, a giving in to biology that might be forestalled through diet and exercise. Being in communities where I am respected MORE than 'less' is fulfilling. We need to make these communities here, as you are doing.
Trip, so true about switching the mindset of “less” to “more” in our Western society. You and I have both experienced the power of adopting a growth mindset about what lies ahead — courtesy of Chip Conley and MEA (in Baja MX). But it’s complicated! The combination of our own mindsets, society’s ageist attitudes, and the physical facts of aging add up to ambivalence as well as optimism about old age. I’m trying to sort it out!
What a fascinating time to be alive! At 70, we have led the charge from analog to digital. We have produced prolifically without robots. Now, in this moment of do we stop or go, ChatGPT brings the promise of going even further than our aging minds can take us. Do we embrace this and commit to the steep and extreme learning curve or do we take our remaining days and say, "Carry on and good luck with all of that, ya'll"?
It feels as some of us were born positive, and that doesn't change. What I didn't see about aging was how much longer it takes to heal. I have had a miserable year health wise and the various events have been one thing, but the healing periods have taken vastly longer than I ever dreamed.
As a very long time subscriber of Debbie's newsletters I was wholly disappoint when she start focusing on getting old. To put my comments in perspective I will turn 80 in about a month, and, yes, I am falling apart.
Aging is like gravity, it takes care of itself. Worrying about it, trying to "stay positive", or being concerned about "ageism," all just waste a lot of time. Remember that humans, no matter what their age, have their eyes in the front of their heads. Quit worrying about how old you are getting (you cannot stop it) and keep doing the best you can with what you have.
I would encourage Debbie to get back to what she does best: helping other write better. If you read some of the crap that people write they need the help. I have titled my Substack "Language and Logic" because that's what I need to work on in the future, but I bring a lot of experience to that effort. People like Debbie might help me if they were not whining about how to get old.
Jim, I love your comment. I definitely don’t want to come across as whining and I’ll keep working on that. But I might be a step ahead of you… I’ve got some “Writing Tips” queued up. Stay tuned! And thanks for being a longtime reader — that means a lot.
So glad you wrote this and came back to finish it after going 30,000 feet off topic. It's great to know I'm not the only one who writes and 30 minutes into it, I have to redirect my brain to the headline. When you live past 70 and everything seems to still be working, just slower, your brain is fully loaded with more experience and memories than any AI computer would ever catalogue. Thus, 30,000 feet off topic seems like a happy place, to us.
Georgia, “loaded with more experience and memories” is a great way to put it. Thank you! I’ve considered having ChatGPT draft a post for me. Then I’d go back in with my human brain and edit A LOT. If I do, I’ll let you know, promise.
Thank you for naming this tension. I notice magazines dedicated to aging want you to "avoid the stereotypes" of aging and seek hopeful messages. At 73, with similar visual challenges as you, and a hip replacement, I now hike with walking sticks and, honestly, watch where I am going. The pressure to be upbeat about growing old can divorce me from emotionally processing the ongoing losses of growing older, which are many...friends getting sick and dying, etc. The ageism is real...a young person yelled out a car window at me last week, "Hi there, grandma." Fortunately, I love being a grandmother, so I took it as a compliment but also had a hangover from being labeled for my age. It concerned me for the youth of our country. I, too, continue to seek meaning by making contributions to the world, but fear I may just be hanging on to my old need to perform and achieve. Aging is a rich time in life, but it has so many intense challenges. I guess being real with the both/and is the way forward.
Caryl, I like how you put this: needing space to “emotionally process” the experience of growing older and friends dying. This is definitely a both/and stage of life. We can be mindful of losses at the same time that we embrace new possibilities.
The urges toward positivity have thus far mostly annoyed me, as I do not feel optimism about this stage of life for all the obvious reasons, declining abilities, invisibility, loss of others, dread of the chronic diseases most die with and from, etc. The only glimmer for me is hoping to “get it right” while a still have time to enjoy it. I have been jamming myself with big projects for years and after living 71 years, have reached some critical mass where I am forced to realize I can never finish them all and forced to wonder why I am even doing them and for whom? I long to be like some other retired people I know who can simply enjoy the days gardening or riding a horse or other simple pleasures. I am blessed with financial security and so far good health so all the push I do to achieve things is self-imposed. Who am I really dancing for? I hope to find out soon.
Leslie, I think we are sharing the same brain. It’s the “self-imposed” feeling that drives me crazy. Who am I trying to impress?! Why?! As you put it, “I hope to find out soon.”
This is an excellent essay - and I ponder some of the questions you raise here each and every day. I find at my age (63) many people I know are traveling frantically and don't even seem to be enjoying it but want to know when *we're* going? (At the time of my life when I have the least amount of money ever, back-to-back cruises and safaris are kinda out of the question - this is hard to accept but I happen to love being at home and remind myself of my good fortune in SO many other areas daily ...) Others have begun to experience health problems - some daunting - and there is always that sense of dread, of "who's next" which is really tricky to navigate especially since both of my parents died young so it's a familiar concern. I also prefer to read about realistic aging (Abigail Thomas is a fav) including poetry and yes, Buddhist things such as the learned and calming Tara Brach. Celebrity aging tips - complete with staff, cosmetic surgery and large bank accounts - do not often provide the kind of wisdom I can apply in my own life. But in the end, I am mostly just surprised (and a bit indignant!) to be this age, still not sure how to "be" 63 and annoyed when I'm offered a "seniors' discount." I once read (and take comfort in) the idea that The Cheetah does not wake up one day and decide that he should not REALLY be running about so fast now he's a certain age ... he just carries on ...
Thank you for this - a perfect addendum to my essay. I very much relate to the indignation (just the right word). “Who? Me?! But I’m really only 17 and still shy and lacking in self confidence” - that’s the bubble over my head on the topic of getting old.
Yes I have that bubble too ha! On the good side of things, getting older *does* allow justifying treats on a daily basis, however small because if not now, when? (But don't get me started on aging feet and the sudden inability to wear shoes that were not designed with a camel in mind lol ...)
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_36,h_36,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fdb1d7636-a0e5-44ef-846d-a6df558eff16_1280x1280.png)
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/e_trim:10:white/e_trim:10:transparent/h_72,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fb939748d-5d80-4d0f-867c-2ed252ac633c_1344x256.png)
Harvard, AB '78. Just a note about reunions - even though your class had 1500 people in it, and some go on to great heights (Arthur Golden and Deval Patrick from my class), the majority of your classmates do not show up for reunions. I think that means something, but I am not sure what.
Hi Michael! You're right and I'm not sure either what that means. The reason I get involved with my reunions is because I get to interact with cool classmates that I didn't know when I was in college. Especially the women...
Well, the 50th is the last big one. I attended my 25th and enjoyed the return to Cambridge. I will probably attend my 50th in 2028, barring unforeseen circumstances. Harvard was one of those unanticipated things that gave me my current life, and I remember it fondly.
Have fun at your reunion! There are probably a bunch of [B]OLD AGE stories waiting to be told.
well, I'm hoping... you *almost* qualify, don't you think?!
Debbie! I’m so glad to be here. I’m 39 and just had a baby and every time I have a new child (this is my 4th!) I feel the poignancy you describe. With my first, I remember walking in NYC (I left my apartment when I clearly should’ve been resting and recovering) and I felt frail and halting and I suddenly realized what it felt like to be in a vulnerable body. I have never forgotten that. These baby slow downs help me relish life more deeply—even though I know I’ll speed up again. But it’s a taste of that gentle, reflective “being” that you describe. I am glad to be here and to have the chance to pull that POV forward to enrich the days ahead. Thank you 🧡
Isabel, what a marvelous comment. And how lucky you are to have four! I love your writing (looked on your Insta as well).
Thank you Amy! I’d love to talk to you about how you combine your podcast with your Substack writing. Oh and I LOVE your illustrated journals!
I guess I am suspicious of the sea of positivity. I figure it works out for “some.” I hope there is such bounty, but I have trouble looking ahead and seeing that. I do hope for a sustainable someday. I love the mindfulness steps you are taking.
G’day Debbie,
In a previous life, before social media and business communication, I was a psychologist. Attached to an email I sent you is the ms of a self-dev book I wrote in 1999, way before Positive Psychology became the only way to live your live <sarcasm>.
The challenge I have always had with Positive Psychology is that it does not allow for the full rich tapestry of life, INCLUDING sadness and melancholia. The reason PP has not gained a large following in the world outside of the USA is that we generally accept that happiness is not 100% of our lives, and we give a respectful space to the less-joyous parts of life. “Nothing ever grows without some rain”. We don’t believe that life can be fully lived if one spends all one’s time asking if they are doing enough to warrant feeling happy.
Anyway, my ms might help you with where you are at.
Blatant plug: It’s on sale in all good Amazon bookshops 😊
https://www.amazon.com.au/How-be-your-Possible-Self/dp/B0CJL27YDT/ref=sr_1_5
Lee, I love your perspective from Down Under — it’s always helpful. And yes, this is precisely what’s wrong with PP. At least superficially, it asks the question “How can I be happy?” When the question really is “How can I be human?” Thinking you gotta be a guest contributor to [B]old Age!
I would be flattered, Debbie 🤘
I spend several months a year in sub-Saharan Africa (Zambia, Botswana, Kenya). It's wonderful to be in a place where grey hair is met with respect, almost honor. It helps me reshape my Western attitude about getting slower, weaker. It is as though they (OK, broad generalization, but mostly true) still look at age as an accomplishment. As you say, Debbie, we often look at it as almost a failure, a giving in to biology that might be forestalled through diet and exercise. Being in communities where I am respected MORE than 'less' is fulfilling. We need to make these communities here, as you are doing.
Trip, so true about switching the mindset of “less” to “more” in our Western society. You and I have both experienced the power of adopting a growth mindset about what lies ahead — courtesy of Chip Conley and MEA (in Baja MX). But it’s complicated! The combination of our own mindsets, society’s ageist attitudes, and the physical facts of aging add up to ambivalence as well as optimism about old age. I’m trying to sort it out!
Thank you so much for sharing this and modeling how to live a great third act that is both forward looking and fully present.
What a fascinating time to be alive! At 70, we have led the charge from analog to digital. We have produced prolifically without robots. Now, in this moment of do we stop or go, ChatGPT brings the promise of going even further than our aging minds can take us. Do we embrace this and commit to the steep and extreme learning curve or do we take our remaining days and say, "Carry on and good luck with all of that, ya'll"?
It feels as some of us were born positive, and that doesn't change. What I didn't see about aging was how much longer it takes to heal. I have had a miserable year health wise and the various events have been one thing, but the healing periods have taken vastly longer than I ever dreamed.
As a very long time subscriber of Debbie's newsletters I was wholly disappoint when she start focusing on getting old. To put my comments in perspective I will turn 80 in about a month, and, yes, I am falling apart.
Aging is like gravity, it takes care of itself. Worrying about it, trying to "stay positive", or being concerned about "ageism," all just waste a lot of time. Remember that humans, no matter what their age, have their eyes in the front of their heads. Quit worrying about how old you are getting (you cannot stop it) and keep doing the best you can with what you have.
I would encourage Debbie to get back to what she does best: helping other write better. If you read some of the crap that people write they need the help. I have titled my Substack "Language and Logic" because that's what I need to work on in the future, but I bring a lot of experience to that effort. People like Debbie might help me if they were not whining about how to get old.
Jim, I love your comment. I definitely don’t want to come across as whining and I’ll keep working on that. But I might be a step ahead of you… I’ve got some “Writing Tips” queued up. Stay tuned! And thanks for being a longtime reader — that means a lot.
So glad you wrote this and came back to finish it after going 30,000 feet off topic. It's great to know I'm not the only one who writes and 30 minutes into it, I have to redirect my brain to the headline. When you live past 70 and everything seems to still be working, just slower, your brain is fully loaded with more experience and memories than any AI computer would ever catalogue. Thus, 30,000 feet off topic seems like a happy place, to us.
Georgia, “loaded with more experience and memories” is a great way to put it. Thank you! I’ve considered having ChatGPT draft a post for me. Then I’d go back in with my human brain and edit A LOT. If I do, I’ll let you know, promise.
Thank you for naming this tension. I notice magazines dedicated to aging want you to "avoid the stereotypes" of aging and seek hopeful messages. At 73, with similar visual challenges as you, and a hip replacement, I now hike with walking sticks and, honestly, watch where I am going. The pressure to be upbeat about growing old can divorce me from emotionally processing the ongoing losses of growing older, which are many...friends getting sick and dying, etc. The ageism is real...a young person yelled out a car window at me last week, "Hi there, grandma." Fortunately, I love being a grandmother, so I took it as a compliment but also had a hangover from being labeled for my age. It concerned me for the youth of our country. I, too, continue to seek meaning by making contributions to the world, but fear I may just be hanging on to my old need to perform and achieve. Aging is a rich time in life, but it has so many intense challenges. I guess being real with the both/and is the way forward.
Caryl, I like how you put this: needing space to “emotionally process” the experience of growing older and friends dying. This is definitely a both/and stage of life. We can be mindful of losses at the same time that we embrace new possibilities.
Debbie, I am a bit behind you (at 62) and I am very careful where and how I walk!
thanks so much for this...
The urges toward positivity have thus far mostly annoyed me, as I do not feel optimism about this stage of life for all the obvious reasons, declining abilities, invisibility, loss of others, dread of the chronic diseases most die with and from, etc. The only glimmer for me is hoping to “get it right” while a still have time to enjoy it. I have been jamming myself with big projects for years and after living 71 years, have reached some critical mass where I am forced to realize I can never finish them all and forced to wonder why I am even doing them and for whom? I long to be like some other retired people I know who can simply enjoy the days gardening or riding a horse or other simple pleasures. I am blessed with financial security and so far good health so all the push I do to achieve things is self-imposed. Who am I really dancing for? I hope to find out soon.
Leslie, I think we are sharing the same brain. It’s the “self-imposed” feeling that drives me crazy. Who am I trying to impress?! Why?! As you put it, “I hope to find out soon.”
This is an excellent essay - and I ponder some of the questions you raise here each and every day. I find at my age (63) many people I know are traveling frantically and don't even seem to be enjoying it but want to know when *we're* going? (At the time of my life when I have the least amount of money ever, back-to-back cruises and safaris are kinda out of the question - this is hard to accept but I happen to love being at home and remind myself of my good fortune in SO many other areas daily ...) Others have begun to experience health problems - some daunting - and there is always that sense of dread, of "who's next" which is really tricky to navigate especially since both of my parents died young so it's a familiar concern. I also prefer to read about realistic aging (Abigail Thomas is a fav) including poetry and yes, Buddhist things such as the learned and calming Tara Brach. Celebrity aging tips - complete with staff, cosmetic surgery and large bank accounts - do not often provide the kind of wisdom I can apply in my own life. But in the end, I am mostly just surprised (and a bit indignant!) to be this age, still not sure how to "be" 63 and annoyed when I'm offered a "seniors' discount." I once read (and take comfort in) the idea that The Cheetah does not wake up one day and decide that he should not REALLY be running about so fast now he's a certain age ... he just carries on ...
Thank you for this - a perfect addendum to my essay. I very much relate to the indignation (just the right word). “Who? Me?! But I’m really only 17 and still shy and lacking in self confidence” - that’s the bubble over my head on the topic of getting old.
Yes I have that bubble too ha! On the good side of things, getting older *does* allow justifying treats on a daily basis, however small because if not now, when? (But don't get me started on aging feet and the sudden inability to wear shoes that were not designed with a camel in mind lol ...)