I’m slowing down

How can I balance the realities of physical aging with all the pressures to “be positive” about old age?

I started writing this as a nuanced essay about ageism and “wokeness.” Becoming aware of ageism is a form of wokeness, and to my (aging) mind, an important one. Only by identifying and calling out ageism can we begin to put an end to discrimination against the elderly.

But that got a little off track. I was at 30,000 feet on the topic of aging and I couldn’t see where I was going with it. So I turned the dial to a related subject. Despite our ageist society, we are swimming in a sea of positivity around aging. I’m sure you’ve heard this echoed: Forget the downsides of getting closer to old age and death. Embrace the chance for reinvention! Welcome a final chapter where you can finally become your best self!

It’s baloney — well, partially. Because by the time you hit 70 you are increasingly aware of physical decline and frailty and how that cuts off some very real possibilities you once had. I’m in reasonably good shape and still I feel old age creeping into my bones.

So this week's existential question... how can I balance the realities of physically aging with all the pressures to be positive? Don’t misunderstand. I am optimistic about what lies ahead. I do believe in reinvention and a new chapter. But it’s an optimism tinged with realism and even a little sadness.

How can I slow down without self-judgment, without feeling I’m a bad actor in the sea of positivity?

Old people move more slowly, including me

I know this to be true because I see it on the street and in crowded places. I’m tempted to mutter, “Hurry up,” but I can feel the urge to slow down myself.  It’s true, with my 71-year-old body plus wonky vision and diminished depth perception, I am much more careful than I used to be about where I put my feet. I get out of a car by swinging around with two legs, I go up and down stairs examining each tread.

Then I read a column in the NYT by 83-year-old novelist Roger Rosenblatt: What They Don’t Tell You About Getting Old. His first line: “I recently turned 83, and while there are many joys to getting older, getting out of taxis is not one of them.” I couldn’t stop laughing after that. This was me! He reminded me that humor is a much better way to approach serious subjects.

Another way to look at slowing down

But it’s not just swinging my legs out of vehicles or being careful on the stairs. As I approach 72, I wonder about a different kind of slowing down. I tell myself it really is time to stop and enjoy the here and now, to be in the moment, to spend less time with screens, and to be less driven by performance and achievement. And maybe that would make me happier.

But it’s tough. Achievement has been a lifelong pursuit for me. Forgive me as I drop the H-bomb on you. My 50th college reunion from Harvard (or Harvard/Radcliffe as we called it then) is coming up in 2024. So we’re talking about a reunion with 1,500 very accomplished souls.

By the way, let me be clear that I am not a brainiac or someone really special because I went to Harvard. On a recent Zoom call to plan the reunion, we looked at each other’s squares and agreed that given today’s exceedingly tough admissions standards many of us probably wouldn’t have been accepted.

But this part is true: we’ve all been driven for half a century to accomplish and perform, even if only a handful of us reached any sort of fame. You may recognize two names from the Harvard class of 1974: Merrick Garland, U.S. Attorney General; and Walter Isaacson, author of the just-published Elon Musk biography.

As I’m sure you can imagine, it’s hard not to compare myself with such classmates, and others who are equally accomplished but less known. It’s a lot of pressure.

So how do I become more mindful?

After 50 years of moving fast, shifting from overdrive to zen-like calm (from “doing” to “being”) is not easy. If it’s a journey, I’m less than halfway there. I meditate occasionally, I never take my phone into the bedroom at night, I exercise every day (even if only walking), I get outside in nature. I take a yoga class when I can.

But there’s a paradox here. If you try too hard to get something just right, it becomes less and less easy to get there. (Agonizing over writing this essay is an example.) So I’m trying to take the pressure off my goal of becoming more mindful, and at the same time attempting to increase my awareness and intentionality. Just for fun, just to see. Just to try my hand at slowing down into a deeply-felt, more joyful phase of life.

Finally, there’s the question of whether I’m slowing down because I am getting old, or because it’s my last chance to live more mindfully and fully experience gratitude — before it’s too late. Maybe it’s both. 

DEBBIE’S QUESTION:

What are your thoughts about the current sea of positivity around aging? Do you find it inspiring, does it dispel fear of getting old? Or are you skeptical that old age can be wonderful?

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