Something Cellular: At 72, I'm Writing Again
A reader asks: How does the creative process change as you get older?
Dear Debbie,
I'm especially curious about the topic of "continuing creative pursuits as a [b]old person." How does the creative process (for lack of a better phrase) change over time, as one gets [b]older? I'm thinking about this for my own life and experience as well as more generally. -
My [b]old age journey started with a five-year project in procrastination. Technically that project resulted in a podcast, but my real motivation for launching such a massive creative undertaking was to quiet an interior voice that wouldn’t stop urging, “Debbie, you should be writing. Another book, anything. Just write.” I wasn’t ready to write, but a podcast fit the bill.
So, about five years ago, I took an online “how to procrastinate podcast” course with Seth Godin; there I met my producer, Julie-Roxane Krikorian. With JR handling the tech side, we launched in January 2019 with a first episode about taking a gap year as a grownup. It’s still one of my favorites; I interviewed all three of my children about the gap years they took before starting college.
Turns out, a podcast is very creative. At the age of 67, I was gratified to find that my skills as a reporter came rushing back. I researched, wrote compelling pitches for guests, polished show notes, conducted long-form interviews… feeling the same sense of pleasure that I had in my 30s and 40s. My creative itch was scratched and the voice in my head telling me to write had quieted.
Then, four years in, my mother died. A parent dying, no matter what your age, makes you question your place in the universe—a question often explored through art/creativity. This was the case for me, but the podcast, my only creative endeavor at the time, felt ill-equipped to hold my complicated grief. JR and I had gotten to know each other pretty well by that point, so when she said, “Why don’t you start writing again? For yourself,” I nodded. But if I were to write more, I had to stop expending all my creative energy on delving into the psyches of podcast guests and turn some of the question-asking on myself.
“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” ― Joan Didion
Thus began a pivot in my creative process. I began writing on Substack in June of 2023 at the age of 71. It was hard, really hard. I’m a good writer, but I found myself struggling to articulate what I wanted to say. I can remember weeks last summer when I would write for hours during the day; then try to “fix” and complete what I was writing at night, in my dreams. It drove my husband crazy. “Why are you doing this?” he kept asking. “Isn’t the podcast more fun?” I had grown to accept that some podcast episodes were not “perfect,” but that was okay because I could move on and concentrate on the next one. As for writing, the stakes are higher because deep down I think of myself as a writer. I could not let go of the idea that each piece I write had to be perfect. I found myself wondering if I had lost my chops, if it was just too much effort, if I was simply too old to be a writer anymore.
What saved me, and possibly saved my marriage1, was deciding to work with
as my editor. Now, as with JR and the podcast, I have a collaborator/sounding board; turns out this is key for my creative process. We can laugh together over my sometimes clumsy attempts to express myself. Erin will suggest another approach (I almost always agree with her), and then I can usually clear the impasse. I’m having much better dreams at night.But maybe the best part of finally committing to a regular writing practice has been the feedback, the unexpected encounters with readers and writers around every corner. These comments and conversations have deepened my exploration into the topic of [b]old age and my own messy experience with it, and, frankly, they’ve kept me going.
(As a bonus, this newsletter has also helped bring more listeners and comments to the podcast, which I’m still doing, at least for now.)
Dear Chris (to address you directly),
I’ve tried three times to answer your question about the creative process and how it changes over time. I tried talking about Malcolm Gladwell’s “Ten-thousand Hour Rule,” meaning that to become a world-class expert at anything it takes ten thousand hours of practice. Writing two hours a day, five days a week, 50 weeks a year, it would take 20 years to get to 10,000 hours of writing. Daunting, maybe, but possible. But that doesn’t really address your question.
Then I tried invoking the World Domination Summit2, the conference you created in Portland, OR, which is one of your many creative achievements. My point was that there are different kinds of creative processes and maybe bringing a huge crowd of “unconventional” thinkers together was what you needed to do for the decade during which you produced ten WDS events. I linked to my short main stage talk3 at WDS 2013 to give readers a flavor of the audience of thousands. Laughably, that was more about me than you.
Next.
Finally, in the spirit of being “unconventional,” I tried to answer your question by countering it with another question: Does the creative process get harder or easier as you get older? But that question prompts a “Yes” and a “No” answer, leaving me unable to choose either and feeling like I’d hit a dead-end.
So nope. These three tries didn’t work.
Consulting the experts
But now I’m ninety-four and although ideas and characters—even whole sentences—still come into my head, I don’t feel the old impulse (compulsion) to write them down. I’m not sure if it’s just laziness, a loss of ambition, or something cellular. - Hilma Wolitzer
Not giving up, I looked for a few other sources that might help. M.F.K Fisher said, “The purpose of living is to get old enough to have something to say.”4 That’s a partial answer for you. Joan Didion famously said: “I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking… ”5 I love this. The desire to “figure it all out” has propelled me to sit down and write for many decades. It may be my single biggest motivator: making sense out of the chaos inside me and around me. Maybe that’s a motivator for you as well. And maybe that impulse doesn’t waver. But to find out, I asked a distinguished 94-year-old writer, Hilma Wolitzer, what has changed for her over time. Here’s how she replied:
Hi Debbie,
That’s an interesting question, one I’ve asked myself. When I wrote my most recent short story, at ninety, I was surprised by how familiar the process felt: the rush of ideas falling easily into prose, the need to keep working, almost without pause. That story was twenty-eight typed pages long and I had a polished draft in about a week. Pretty much like the writing habits of my younger self. But now I’m ninety-four and although ideas and characters—even whole sentences—still come into my head, I don’t feel the old impulse (compulsion) to write them down. I’m not sure if it’s just laziness, a loss of ambition, or something cellular. I always thought I wrote for the same reason I read—to find out what happens next. At least I haven’t lost my curiosity!
Warm best,
Hilma
I want to end with Hilma’s wisdom because I think it’s spot on. I’m especially struck by her note about the “compulsion” to write. Don’t we all share that here on Substack?
I also want to share the realization that your question about how the “creative process” changes with age is actually at the heart of this newsletter. So while I may not have an exact answer for you just yet, I hope my story and these bits of wisdom help shed light on your own journey. And even if they don’t, stick around anyway. This is a question I’ll continue exploring.
Warmly,
Debbie
Questions for the reader
How have your creative pursuits changed as you’ve aged?
What were the pivotal moments where you decided to take your creativity seriously?
Ask me about [b]old age
No query is too small, or too big. Ask me about writing, physical or mental health, travel, illness, death and dying, reinvention - or whatever is on your mind. I’ll do my best to honor your question with a thoughtful response in a future post. Click the button and fire away.
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By supporting me as a paid subscriber, you are supporting my ability to keep writing these essays; you are supporting the idea of reflecting deeply on the phases of life; and you are becoming a member of a small group of people who actively engage in honest discussion with me about old age.
Kidding, sort of.
More about the World Domination Summit. The final one was in 2022.
A video excerpt of my main stage talk at WDS 2013.
More about M.F.K Fisher.
More quotes from Joan Didion.
I thought my creative side has disappeared in the pre-pandimic time which seems like another lifetime ...but it came roaring back when I was sidelined with a knee replacement then Covid gave me time to find my creativeness..a lot of things aligned to give me a time out...
Debbie I feel so much of this. Writing, for a writer, however imperfect, does feel like the most rigorous form of self expression and exploration. Part of the difficulty is just inherent. It’s athletic, it’s muscular, it can be hard. But damn it is also rewarding and sometimes nothing else will do. It’s better, for me, to practice this than to not…even when it’s frustrating. I guess that’s what it means to be a writer. Also: Erin. Godsend. I’ve been working with her a single month and already feel like a whole new thinker in the world. Anyway…i am so glad you are here, Debbie. I relish all your pieces.