After weeks of attempting to press pause while traveling in Paris, I’m now settling back into the rhythms of my quiet, coastal Maine village. Surprisingly, I’ve found myself thinking about one thing and one thing only: men.
No, not like that. I’ve been surveying a group of 12 or so [b]old men to find out if their experience of old age is different than it is for [b]old women. They’re all writers, here on Substack or elsewhere, or they’re personal friends. One is my husband. My questions for this group ranged from health and appearance concerns, to identity, to priorities. I had some hunches about how they’d respond, but I have to say, their answers are fascinating and surprising. I’m going to share them with you all next week. In the meantime, here’s one of the questions I asked them—I’d love to hear your answers first.
MY QUESTION FOR YOU: What is one thing you wish people knew about what it's like to reach "old age" as a woman?
I wish more women knew the secret: That the sixties are a wonderful time of life. Now that I'm seventy, I'm collecting the best of my blogs from the last decade and plan to publish them in a book called "What To Expect When You're Sixty: Adventures in the Secretly Wonderful Decade." Targeting Fall publication - but that may be ambitious given that my next book, "Write & Sell a Well-Seasoned Romance," launches 8/29.
A lot of others have said what I would say about increasing confidence, increasing freedom, worrying less about what others think. So I'll just add this specific thing: While menopause is tough for many, that isn't a given, and for some of us lucky ones it is WONDERFUL, especially compared to the horrors of PMS.
Way too many deeply personal things came up for me with this question so I will keep it light. I’m thankful I made it to 60. I know things and wish the younger generations respected us more. America has been this way for a while. I don’t remember a time when our elders were revered as in other societies. Maybe it was so before I was born.
That you underestimate me at your own peril. I am lucky that I have privilege and enough money (hopefully!) in my bank account that I don't need to compromise my principles or worry about standing up for what I believe in - and though I could be wrong I expect my white skin and the fact that I live in Canada might keep me from getting shot should I decide to be vocal about the abuse of the vulnerable (specifically the unhoused) that is occurring with infuriating regularity in my community. That said I never imagined that I would get to this age (63 in a couple of months) and feel such DESPAIR at the state of the world. COVID really ripped the wool from my eyes in terms of our so-called leaders and their lack of moral courage to do the right thing. I am so discouraged and frightened by the right wing backlash against evidence-backed initiatives trying to respond to the toxic drug crisis here in British Columbia, Canada. Deaths from toxic drugs are now the leading cause of death among all people aged 10-59 in British Columbia and we lose six people a day in the province. And climate change. Don't even get me started. I have so much to be grateful for personally but find it increasingly difficult to know how to be effective, in even a small way, to address the suffering I see around me or even to make those who seem so oblivious aware of it in the hope that if we all could do just a little bit we could have such a massive impact rather than asking the few, often those who are on the frontlines (abhor the military language but it seems to be fitting), to continually be exposed to loss on such a massive scale and simultaneously come up with and implement solutions that we never give enough resources to.
Thanks Debbie - about 4 years ago myself and about a couple dozen housed neighbours got together to support unhoused people in our community who had always been there but had become so much more visible when shelters were forced to reduce occupancy due to COVID social distancing requirements. In the time since then we've seen homelessness be even more criminalized than previously and watching the news in the US I see much the same happening there. Simultaneously with the pandemic toxic drug poisonings accelerated as so many more people were using alone and the supply became increasingly more contaminated. We present before Mayor and Council, we write letters and emails, we participate in protests, we apply bandaids in the form of a hot breakfast for a handful of people sheltering in tents or a new tent and sleeping bag for someone who has had their belongings confiscated by bylaw AGAIN but we are getting burned out and at the same time feeling compelled to 'stay in the fight'. But at what cost - what use are we if this makes us sick or even drives us into a personal struggle with substances? I can surely understand why people become radicalized and see extreme action as the only answer. Our group will take the summer off from formal meetings and try and find a way forward.
In many ways I feel that the best part of my life is just beginning. Everything is better even though the pace is a bit slower. Still, I’m the one setting it and that’s a privilege I didn’t have in previous years.
I’m 68 and quite comfortable in my aging skin. That said, I have noticed a difference in how some,but not all, people address and speak to me. There’s the joke about knowing you are getting old when the first thing people say upon greeting you is “You’re looking great!” I hear that a lot these days. Store clerks and medical receptionists seem to find it okay to address me as honey or dear. Terms I hadn’t heard in about six decades. My favorite is being addressed as “young lady”. Um who are you kidding? An ER nurse attending to me after I broke my wrist cross country skiing told me I should stick to Bingo and gave me a Sharpie marker so the people there could sign my cast. The beauty of being older is how easily I can let those comments roll off my shoulders. The saying “don’t mistake ignorance for malice” can be applied to many situations. No matter how great or not great I look, I plan to keep acting my best and enjoy myself.
I'm much "younger" than I may look: don't let wrinkles fool you, I have as much energy/curiosity/stamina as I did in my 30s. I might run circles around you in [pick something].
I am 66, but in my head, I am still 45 or younger.
I feel more freedom to be myself and just say what I think, say what I want.
The strange thing I am finding is that other people, particularly doctors, listen to me more than ever before. I have written on Substack (teriadams.substack.com) about my disability, and I have spent a lifetime trying to get doctors to listen to me. Just in the last couple of years, they've really started to listen. I need to figure out why.
That it's better, across the board, in every single way. Naturally, if we want things to be better, that's going to take some work on our part to make it that way, as in good diet, exercise, friends and the like. But in every way, being an older woman has been the berries for me. The BEST.
At 65, I feel 12 again—when I had the world and the people in it figured out before hormones started spinning my head around. Now, though, my bullshit detector is on full alert and I don’t waste time with other peoples’ drama. I have no intention of retiring and am fully engaged with the projects I aim to finish—a novel in-progress, a book of stories about my adventures with Teddy, the Pet Therapy Dog, and at least 10 more issues of my literary magazine, “The Vincent Brothers Review.” I come from a long line of older women—I have vivid memories of all four of my great-grandmothers—and I’m looking forward to seeing who I am in my 80s and beyond.
Great question. I agree with Georgia Patrick. My sex education class was given by a nervous priest. We are just beginning to learn about the development of women — our potential in all areas. I took a course decades ago with Gilligan who wrote In A Different Voice, an eye opener and great contribution to opening the worlds perspective of women. Isabel Allende also paints an expanded picture of the Soul of Women. If we look at the birth industry it has been controlled by men who don't understand how women naturally give birth. There are many answers to this question. Thank you!
What an interesting angle for more stories and here's my observation. As I age and look at information about aging, especially in health areas, most of the studies are done by me and on men as subjects. The data about women is still thin. That means, as you age, you'd better be your own best advocate and CEO of your life, just as meticulously as you were CEO of commercial enterprises or the non-profit or whatever you did with most of your days.
I just retired last August, and I had been counting down to that for several years. For me, getting "old(er)" meant I would finally be able to retire, and I so wanted to get older so I could retire. Retirement is everything I thought it would be and more, and I'm still discovering new things. I love getting up each morning and living for that day, doing what I want, when I want and if I want. It's delightful. 😃
At 57, I'm thankful for the many inspirational older women in my life. My 84 year old mother is a joyful person. She can't wait for the first snow fall to make snow angels.
I'm also greatly inspired by the nuns that I work with. They range between 70-100 years old and are very much a force of nature. They are socially and politically engaged. They are a voice for the environment, education, addictions just to name a few. They don't retire from their causes. They work themselves out of a job by supporting people to get back up and then hand things over to them. Amazing.
That's an excellent question! I don't think I know many inspirational men in general. The women greatly outweigh the men.
Off the top of my head, I can think of only three men. Not because they are related to me, but my dad and his dad were ahead of their time in many ways. My 93 year old former father in law is an amazing human being.
Katherine, I like to say that old age is a foreign country that's not generally on anyone's bucket list. But once there, it's kind of interesting! Thank you for reading.
I decided to come back and see what other people were saying. You might be amused to know that I was going to title my book "Old Age is Not a Foreign Country", interestingly enough, but decided on the existing one instead. Correctly, I think.
You’ll value close relationships with family and friends more than ever. Cultivate them as you grow older, especially with younger friends. As your circle grows smaller, you may even want to make new friends! Be BOLD by inviting interesting people for coffee or lunch. You have nothing to lose. At the least they may be flattered when you reach out.
I’m only 65, but at this point, getting older is such a joy. I care a lot less about what other people think, and I know much better how to say No. Life is Fun. And busy. Thanks for asking. Sending hugs and looking forward to the article on older gents.
It’s not a thing in my opinion… we’re still active, involved, doing all we’ve ever done. Stay healthy and active and you’ll not notice the number! I’m 80 and modifying a bit, aches and pains subside if we keep moving; keep learning, be curious! I’ll be interested in others’ answers… we need to change this stereotype of “old age!”
Interesting question ! I feel the same inside as I did at 50 - ( 68 now) except with a little less energy but as mentioned already - abundant confidence . My radar is more reliable in detecting inauthentic people and my heart is more open . I embrace new experiences and love to learn and grow. I care less about how others perceive me - knowing the ones that matter will stay close . I still enjoy fashion and having fun with self expression - but don’t fret as much about how my body and appearance has shifted and changed over time . I am grateful for my good health and the gift of time
I look forward to your responses for men, which I would guess are different from those of women.
As you know I have thought a lot about being an older woman and even written a book about it (the same title as my Substack: The Granny Who Stands on her Head, subtitled Reflections on growing older).
If limited to only one thing, I would say it is the incredible confidence that comes slowly in your 50s, much more in your 60s, even more in your 70s and so forth on up (I am in my 80s). I don't know why women are so bad at having confidence in themselves throughout their earlier lives, but it does seem to come with age. And it is wonderful – it changes your perspective on everything, because you realise you can cope with whatever life throws at you. And cope well. And be seen to do it well. It is a wonderful freedom from all the restraints we have tended to feel beforehand. I have seen this put in a number of different ways "You just don't care what other people think", "I can be myself" and so forth. You feel in charge. It brings strength and a new sort of energy.
And if I were able to add one other thing, it would be the wonderful relationship with grandchildren. But that would be another paragraph or two...
It’a way more fun than I thought it would be. I’ve been noodling on this for a piece, and I thought being older was an unhappy chapter of life. Not at all!
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/e_trim:10:white/e_trim:10:transparent/h_72,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fb939748d-5d80-4d0f-867c-2ed252ac633c_1344x256.png)
I get called “inspirational“ ALL. THE. TIME. And I love it because it‘s true:).
I wish more women knew the secret: That the sixties are a wonderful time of life. Now that I'm seventy, I'm collecting the best of my blogs from the last decade and plan to publish them in a book called "What To Expect When You're Sixty: Adventures in the Secretly Wonderful Decade." Targeting Fall publication - but that may be ambitious given that my next book, "Write & Sell a Well-Seasoned Romance," launches 8/29.
A lot of others have said what I would say about increasing confidence, increasing freedom, worrying less about what others think. So I'll just add this specific thing: While menopause is tough for many, that isn't a given, and for some of us lucky ones it is WONDERFUL, especially compared to the horrors of PMS.
Good question.
I have grown children and I now see myself as their mentor more than their mother.
This goes for my step and in-law children as well.
They don't need unsolicited advice, they don't need to hear how I worry about their health and safety - I keep those motherly impulses to myself.
Being a matriarch is awesome when done right.
Way too many deeply personal things came up for me with this question so I will keep it light. I’m thankful I made it to 60. I know things and wish the younger generations respected us more. America has been this way for a while. I don’t remember a time when our elders were revered as in other societies. Maybe it was so before I was born.
It’s just so weird being the same age as old people.
Cooky, ha ha yes! Remember our “tea parties” when we were about 10? What were we thinking then?! Probably that 30 was very old.
That you underestimate me at your own peril. I am lucky that I have privilege and enough money (hopefully!) in my bank account that I don't need to compromise my principles or worry about standing up for what I believe in - and though I could be wrong I expect my white skin and the fact that I live in Canada might keep me from getting shot should I decide to be vocal about the abuse of the vulnerable (specifically the unhoused) that is occurring with infuriating regularity in my community. That said I never imagined that I would get to this age (63 in a couple of months) and feel such DESPAIR at the state of the world. COVID really ripped the wool from my eyes in terms of our so-called leaders and their lack of moral courage to do the right thing. I am so discouraged and frightened by the right wing backlash against evidence-backed initiatives trying to respond to the toxic drug crisis here in British Columbia, Canada. Deaths from toxic drugs are now the leading cause of death among all people aged 10-59 in British Columbia and we lose six people a day in the province. And climate change. Don't even get me started. I have so much to be grateful for personally but find it increasingly difficult to know how to be effective, in even a small way, to address the suffering I see around me or even to make those who seem so oblivious aware of it in the hope that if we all could do just a little bit we could have such a massive impact rather than asking the few, often those who are on the frontlines (abhor the military language but it seems to be fitting), to continually be exposed to loss on such a massive scale and simultaneously come up with and implement solutions that we never give enough resources to.
Susan, this bothers me greatly too: "find it increasingly difficult to know how to be effective, in even a small way"
Thanks Debbie - about 4 years ago myself and about a couple dozen housed neighbours got together to support unhoused people in our community who had always been there but had become so much more visible when shelters were forced to reduce occupancy due to COVID social distancing requirements. In the time since then we've seen homelessness be even more criminalized than previously and watching the news in the US I see much the same happening there. Simultaneously with the pandemic toxic drug poisonings accelerated as so many more people were using alone and the supply became increasingly more contaminated. We present before Mayor and Council, we write letters and emails, we participate in protests, we apply bandaids in the form of a hot breakfast for a handful of people sheltering in tents or a new tent and sleeping bag for someone who has had their belongings confiscated by bylaw AGAIN but we are getting burned out and at the same time feeling compelled to 'stay in the fight'. But at what cost - what use are we if this makes us sick or even drives us into a personal struggle with substances? I can surely understand why people become radicalized and see extreme action as the only answer. Our group will take the summer off from formal meetings and try and find a way forward.
It’s very strange to suddenly become “invisible”.
In many ways I feel that the best part of my life is just beginning. Everything is better even though the pace is a bit slower. Still, I’m the one setting it and that’s a privilege I didn’t have in previous years.
I’m 68 and quite comfortable in my aging skin. That said, I have noticed a difference in how some,but not all, people address and speak to me. There’s the joke about knowing you are getting old when the first thing people say upon greeting you is “You’re looking great!” I hear that a lot these days. Store clerks and medical receptionists seem to find it okay to address me as honey or dear. Terms I hadn’t heard in about six decades. My favorite is being addressed as “young lady”. Um who are you kidding? An ER nurse attending to me after I broke my wrist cross country skiing told me I should stick to Bingo and gave me a Sharpie marker so the people there could sign my cast. The beauty of being older is how easily I can let those comments roll off my shoulders. The saying “don’t mistake ignorance for malice” can be applied to many situations. No matter how great or not great I look, I plan to keep acting my best and enjoy myself.
I'm much "younger" than I may look: don't let wrinkles fool you, I have as much energy/curiosity/stamina as I did in my 30s. I might run circles around you in [pick something].
Great question, btw!
Sex still happens. Really.
You might just like my interview (written not a podcast) with Debbie a few months ago https://debbieweil.substack.com/p/on-savoring-old-age-writing-and-sex
Thank you for sharing that. I did enjoy it❤️
I am 66, but in my head, I am still 45 or younger.
I feel more freedom to be myself and just say what I think, say what I want.
The strange thing I am finding is that other people, particularly doctors, listen to me more than ever before. I have written on Substack (teriadams.substack.com) about my disability, and I have spent a lifetime trying to get doctors to listen to me. Just in the last couple of years, they've really started to listen. I need to figure out why.
That it's better, across the board, in every single way. Naturally, if we want things to be better, that's going to take some work on our part to make it that way, as in good diet, exercise, friends and the like. But in every way, being an older woman has been the berries for me. The BEST.
At 65, I feel 12 again—when I had the world and the people in it figured out before hormones started spinning my head around. Now, though, my bullshit detector is on full alert and I don’t waste time with other peoples’ drama. I have no intention of retiring and am fully engaged with the projects I aim to finish—a novel in-progress, a book of stories about my adventures with Teddy, the Pet Therapy Dog, and at least 10 more issues of my literary magazine, “The Vincent Brothers Review.” I come from a long line of older women—I have vivid memories of all four of my great-grandmothers—and I’m looking forward to seeing who I am in my 80s and beyond.
hurray!!
Great question. I agree with Georgia Patrick. My sex education class was given by a nervous priest. We are just beginning to learn about the development of women — our potential in all areas. I took a course decades ago with Gilligan who wrote In A Different Voice, an eye opener and great contribution to opening the worlds perspective of women. Isabel Allende also paints an expanded picture of the Soul of Women. If we look at the birth industry it has been controlled by men who don't understand how women naturally give birth. There are many answers to this question. Thank you!
What an interesting angle for more stories and here's my observation. As I age and look at information about aging, especially in health areas, most of the studies are done by me and on men as subjects. The data about women is still thin. That means, as you age, you'd better be your own best advocate and CEO of your life, just as meticulously as you were CEO of commercial enterprises or the non-profit or whatever you did with most of your days.
I love this response exactly what I was going to say — so true!
typo, uh oh. studies done by MEN and on MEN....
I just retired last August, and I had been counting down to that for several years. For me, getting "old(er)" meant I would finally be able to retire, and I so wanted to get older so I could retire. Retirement is everything I thought it would be and more, and I'm still discovering new things. I love getting up each morning and living for that day, doing what I want, when I want and if I want. It's delightful. 😃
At 57, I'm thankful for the many inspirational older women in my life. My 84 year old mother is a joyful person. She can't wait for the first snow fall to make snow angels.
I'm also greatly inspired by the nuns that I work with. They range between 70-100 years old and are very much a force of nature. They are socially and politically engaged. They are a voice for the environment, education, addictions just to name a few. They don't retire from their causes. They work themselves out of a job by supporting people to get back up and then hand things over to them. Amazing.
Lisa, perhaps [b]old women are more inspirational than [b]old men - ? I think they are for me.
That's an excellent question! I don't think I know many inspirational men in general. The women greatly outweigh the men.
Off the top of my head, I can think of only three men. Not because they are related to me, but my dad and his dad were ahead of their time in many ways. My 93 year old former father in law is an amazing human being.
I love how you've got me thinking about this:)
I’m 42 and really enjoying reading this!
Katherine, I like to say that old age is a foreign country that's not generally on anyone's bucket list. But once there, it's kind of interesting! Thank you for reading.
I decided to come back and see what other people were saying. You might be amused to know that I was going to title my book "Old Age is Not a Foreign Country", interestingly enough, but decided on the existing one instead. Correctly, I think.
You’ll value close relationships with family and friends more than ever. Cultivate them as you grow older, especially with younger friends. As your circle grows smaller, you may even want to make new friends! Be BOLD by inviting interesting people for coffee or lunch. You have nothing to lose. At the least they may be flattered when you reach out.
love this idea!
I’m only 65, but at this point, getting older is such a joy. I care a lot less about what other people think, and I know much better how to say No. Life is Fun. And busy. Thanks for asking. Sending hugs and looking forward to the article on older gents.
"how to say No"!
It’s not a thing in my opinion… we’re still active, involved, doing all we’ve ever done. Stay healthy and active and you’ll not notice the number! I’m 80 and modifying a bit, aches and pains subside if we keep moving; keep learning, be curious! I’ll be interested in others’ answers… we need to change this stereotype of “old age!”
Interesting question ! I feel the same inside as I did at 50 - ( 68 now) except with a little less energy but as mentioned already - abundant confidence . My radar is more reliable in detecting inauthentic people and my heart is more open . I embrace new experiences and love to learn and grow. I care less about how others perceive me - knowing the ones that matter will stay close . I still enjoy fashion and having fun with self expression - but don’t fret as much about how my body and appearance has shifted and changed over time . I am grateful for my good health and the gift of time
this really resonates with me: “my radar is more reliable in detecting inauthentic people”
I care more about what I believe than what anyone else believes. And I am more determined than ever to find my own joy and fulfillment every day!
Don't expect me to be the person I was when I was younger, or who you need me to be to fit your script 💫
I look forward to your responses for men, which I would guess are different from those of women.
As you know I have thought a lot about being an older woman and even written a book about it (the same title as my Substack: The Granny Who Stands on her Head, subtitled Reflections on growing older).
If limited to only one thing, I would say it is the incredible confidence that comes slowly in your 50s, much more in your 60s, even more in your 70s and so forth on up (I am in my 80s). I don't know why women are so bad at having confidence in themselves throughout their earlier lives, but it does seem to come with age. And it is wonderful – it changes your perspective on everything, because you realise you can cope with whatever life throws at you. And cope well. And be seen to do it well. It is a wonderful freedom from all the restraints we have tended to feel beforehand. I have seen this put in a number of different ways "You just don't care what other people think", "I can be myself" and so forth. You feel in charge. It brings strength and a new sort of energy.
And if I were able to add one other thing, it would be the wonderful relationship with grandchildren. But that would be another paragraph or two...
It’a way more fun than I thought it would be. I’ve been noodling on this for a piece, and I thought being older was an unhappy chapter of life. Not at all!