I wish I could say I believe unconditionally that old age is not something to be ashamed of. I’m working on it, but I haven’t quite managed (yet) to be completely proud, positive, and non-apologetic about growing [b]old. All I have to do is look in the mirror and I am met with insecurities and even loathing of my aging body. In addition, because of my wonky double vision and lack of depth perception, I try never to drive at night. I carefully look down when I walk to avoid stumbling and falling, and there are certain hikes I don’t attempt any more. But I am acknowledging, as opposed to denying, old age and I’m making accommodations; it’s okay, really!
These personal realizations have led me to think about what’s behind Biden’s refusal (as of this writing) to step aside after last week’s presidential debate, in which he starkly reminded over 50 million viewers that he is a very old man. Leaving aside the political implications, he’s reinforcing a common narrative around aging, that old age must be DENIED at all costs! Because, he seems to be telling us, the reality of old age is bad and to get very old is a failure; we even use the term “failing” about an elderly person.
MY QUESTION FOR YOU: Without getting into your own thoughts about Biden’s cognitive and physical abilities, how are YOU experiencing the reality of old age? Have you had to give up something, maybe driving at night or a certain activity or sport you once loved, because your age makes it impossible (or unsafe)? Does this feel like a personal failing, or simply a normal part of aging?
This was hard to articulate clearly; my point is that to DENY old age is bullshit. Getting old is changing me (and everyone else in their 70s, 80s, and 90s) in a number of ways; why do some of us feel the need to hide that? Is it pride, stubbornness, societal conditioning, fear of death?? To live [b]oldly is to acknowledge and embrace the changes and to proclaim that getting old is not a bad thing, nor is it a failure. I’m working on that.
As you know, I love being old, do not use euphemisms for it and, indeed, have written a book about why I like being here, aged 82 - same title as my Substack. Why? Because I feel much more myself, more confident in myself and my decisions, feel comfortable in my body (despite it having deteriorated considerably), have closer and better relationships than ever and the icing on the cake is watching the grandchildren grow and interacting with them - they are now 18 and 14.
I am not going to comment on Biden except to say he isn't OLD, he is FRAIL - and one shouldn't confuse the two, although people do. Of course, he is old (at 81, one had to admit that), but the big issue is his frailty. Bernie Sanders will outlast us all.
Ann ... love this discussion but disagree about Biden. Thinking about the schedule he keeps and his determination to make our country better, I think he is hardly frail. Old, yes. And, bold, yes. Sometimes I see his age as he walks and sometimes I see him laughing and talking to people as if being with them is feeding his body and spirit and he will live forever. Perhaps, the word frail just triggers my own fear of aging. At 78, I don't mind being old. At frail, I might.
Well, old and frail are related, but two different things. Last time I saw him on TV, Bernie Sanders didn't look at all frail. I am older than Biden and not frail at all (but I wouldn't want to be President, even if I could). The serious problem with Biden is, whether or not he is physically or mentally frail, he SEEMS as if he is – and that, in my view, will lose the election. Everyone is busy assuring themselves about how capable he seems, but it's not the strong Democrats who are going to be key – it's the independents. But that is another issue and I am going against a general policy never to discuss politics.
If I may add further thoughts (just out for a walk and they came to me), yes, there are definitely negative aspects to aging - loads of them: memory a mess, can't run, can't stand on a ladder without wobbling etc etc (not to mention friends dying and thinking about death) but I just think these are more than compensated for by the positive aspects, which I have already mentioned.
But I was worried about your suggesting you felt 'ashamed' about aging. It is NOT a personal failure but part of life. Should a disabled child (or adult, for that matter) feel ashamed of their frailty?? I don't think so. Should a dying person feel ashamed of dying (the ultimate frailty)? No, of course not. You, Debbie, should stop immediately any thoughts that oncoming frailties are something to be ashamed of. Yes, they are annoying; yes, we don't like it; but they are part of getting to our age. Lots of people never make it at all. You need a big hug!!
But what’s in the air making you ashamed of being old? Biden? He’s a good man but he needs to admit to what he’s capable of. I am sure you would. I still send you a hug.
Aging in the US is probably tougher than other countries b/c Americans place so much emphasis on youth and beauty. But it's a fact of life, if we make it to an 'older' age, and looking in the mirror is a reminder that we're past our bloom. I've had both knees and both hips successfully replaced (I'm bionic!) and bc of that, I can still walk my 30 min. daily, scale stairs w/ no problem, and get around fine which makes me supremely happy. So rather than a failure, I feel like a success. Every day I bound down my stairs I'm so happy I can get my morning walk in. Because now, I CAN walk, and walk well, no limp thanks to my great surgeons (and doing all the PT required). I have/had so many older women friends, many now passed, and loved their wisdom, cool stories and memories, and life lessons they shared. No part of getting old feels like a personal failing. I'm glad to be healthy and here. And re Biden, I think he's simply stating the obvious, b/c he knows it's on everyone's mind, imho.
I’m 70 and after two serious bouts of cancer I am thrilled to be old and alive. There are definitely changes and I have sometimes had a Hard time accepting them but overall the wrinkles, the aches and pains, the thinner gray hair. I’ll take them all.
Noticing I can't count on what was a photographic memory (literally could call up a memory of a page (photos, captions and all) and "read" it in my mind--not actually recall the info without the visual memory of the page) the way I used to do. I sometimes have a noticeable (to me and increasingly to others) pause to remember a phrase. Physically, I was only intermittently attentive to exercise in the past and now exercise more consistently, so the improvement from that is a positive, which weighed against my aging declines currently still leaves me net positive on physical abilities. I didn't ski during the pandemic--had a trip to Breckenridge scheduled for March 2020 that I had to cancel. Need to commit to do a full pre-ski workout plan this Summer and Fall to see if skiing next winter makes sense. I only started skiing in my mid 30s, so it's not as hard wired in my brain as if I did it as a child. I will at least give it one more try to ski at high altitude, probably while doing a continuing ed conference. So if skiing doesn't work out, at least I will be somewhere pretty for to get cme. I definitely notice the mental changes, the physical changes average out, body is definitely aging, but my intentional exercise hours are increasing.
I’ll be 83 next birthday. Thankfully my cognitive abilities are still strong but physically I’m not faring as well. With minor heart issues I get tired more easily. The fact that I am the caregiver for my husband keeps me on the go and my dr says also keeps me moving and therefore young.
Aging takes the edge off all abilities- just fact of being human. I choose to not drive at night, but I can if necessary. I feel that you have to resist aging with a mild pressure. Try things, do what you can, take a break and listen to your body and mind. Try to find other ways of doing things that don’t require using parts that hurt.
We have an old farm with yard work galore. I’d love to hire some help but can’t right now- so I’ve accepted that there is beauty in letting some parts revert to nature- wild can be so beautiful. So to help with the other parts I gave myself the gift of a very small battery operated chainsaw for my birthday. Our tractor, my chainsaw and trimmer go a long way to curbing the wild I will resist. I do ask for help when I need it, something that often comes hard to this stubborn soul.
At 73 I don't think getting old is anything to be embarrassed about, but reality is better faced than rejected.
Both mentally and physically I am not what I used to be. I'm now blessed with the privilege of sitting back, relaxing and letting the younger generation do most of the work.
I believe that Biden should have stepped aside after one term.
Perhaps pride got in the way.
Now it's probably too late and the Democratics will have no one to blame but themselves if this pivotal election is lost.
The first time I felt "too old" for something was, LOL, when I was still in my early 20s! Being out of college and working full time, I discovered I could no longer go to the college parties (I still had friends in school) that started at 11 PM and still function the next day.
I'm 57 now, and mostly what I notice is that I have less energy and physical flexibility than I used to. But I have more equanimity, more serenity, and I have found my happiness only grows with each year. Most of the people I know in their 60s and 70s are still quite active, and this has recalibrated my whole sense of what is possible at what age. But when they do start to slow down, they say balance, energy levels, and driving at night are the first things to give them trouble.
This is a natural process, yet I think in the US we find it scary because our culture puts such a big emphasis on individualism and independence, and eschews social safety nets. We have built a culture around driving, and we place a high value on being able to operate a car, to live alone, to handle our financial and physical lives. We don't encourage interdependence or embrace aging as inevitable (if we survive long enough!). We don't build accessible housing as a matter of course, but rather treat accessible features as special add-ons. So, no wonder it can be scary!
Thank you so much for raising these questions and making space for these conversations, Debbie. While I’m "only" 49, my partner is 61, my parents are in their 70s, and I’ve been thinking a lot about aging.
For my partner and I, it’s scary knowing that we don’t have any retirement savings and will most likely need to keep working through the coming decades. There really isn’t a societal or familial safety net for us. (It’s not that we don’t want to save; it’s just that we’ve been on a treadmill living month-to-month in Canada.) I love my work, but I worry that at a certain point I won’t be able to find more of it or enough of it. And I worry a lot about our health and how that will change in the coming years and what that will mean. Our solution for now was to move to Southeast Asia. It will hopefully allow us to save; it also allows us to afford many healthcare services that we can’t afford in North America.
Dana, your comment squarely addresses the “reality” of old age. Thank you! Your determination to look ahead and make decisions now about where and how to live is so brave; it’s hard to imagine our future selves (I find that very difficult at 72). P.S. Keep telling us about your move to SE Asia; we want to hear all!
I have come to the conclusion that I don't have enough timeline left to try to be traditionally published. At the speed it moves, I could be dead before my book hits the shelves. If, indeed, I could make it through all the hurdles in the first place.
Well, that's what I am investigating now, but looking into self-publishing is like the sharks smelling blood in the water! So many options! It's tiring just thinking about it.
I turned 71 five months ago. It’s still doesn’t “feel” old. I wonder when I might feel that. Have I given anything up? Well…. Dating. Yes, I can say that despite enjoying the company of intelligent kind gentlemen, I have stopped looking about for them. Gone are those days.
As the years advance (just hit #74), AI has taken over as my creative fountain of youth. It sparks the same electrifying thoughts and project ideas I've always cherished, with some now moving through the gates, into reality. My mind races with possibilities, defying the march of time. And if fortune smiles upon these ventures, perhaps I'll indulge in some rejuvenating treatments to smooth out these ever-deepening lines - vanity permitting, of course. The future, it seems, holds promise for both mind and body--maybe I can afford the personal trainer I have wanted for at least 2 decades!
A good question. I’m Australian so thankfully not invested in US politics, but it does feel a little like watching a train wreck some days. Sigh. On a personal level, I’m 65, retired and delightfully busy. The occasional tweak of habits has allowed me to bypass any negative aspects of aging to this point. Hopefully there’ll be many years before I need to worry. Sending heaps of hugs and best wishes.
I have some wonderful examples of women who lived well into their 90s in my family. I am turning 60 next week and feel like I'm just getting started but in a new way, an easy and relaxed way. I can feel the changes in my vision, the tightness in my tendons, my energy is lower but I feel solid like I can handle these changes. Zero shame. It is what it is and I intend to make it wonderful!
I don't know how I feel about it. I'm 66. Recently I've had to modify and adjust certain activities that have been an integral part of my life. Doing handstands, playing golf, and quitting my career (the latter has been difficult, I (was) a casino dealer) due to inefficiently being able to handle anxiety, and the rote work has all but ruined neck and shoulders. I wish there were some type of talk therapy and instruction on how to accept loss of life-long endeavors.
In regards to Biden I'm going to step out and say it made me want to weep when I saw just a bit of the debate. Would anyone want to stand up in front of the world in such a frail condition? His performance somewhat put a reality check on my own aging. You have to know when to call it quits... and this I'm afraid takes more courage to do than actually walking away when the time comes.
Patti, yes that’s the challenge of [b]old age: “how to accept loss of life-long endeavors.” I don’t think there’s an instruction list, but maybe improving our self-talk…
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_36,h_36,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fdb1d7636-a0e5-44ef-846d-a6df558eff16_1280x1280.png)
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/e_trim:10:white/e_trim:10:transparent/h_72,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fb939748d-5d80-4d0f-867c-2ed252ac633c_1344x256.png)
This was hard to articulate clearly; my point is that to DENY old age is bullshit. Getting old is changing me (and everyone else in their 70s, 80s, and 90s) in a number of ways; why do some of us feel the need to hide that? Is it pride, stubbornness, societal conditioning, fear of death?? To live [b]oldly is to acknowledge and embrace the changes and to proclaim that getting old is not a bad thing, nor is it a failure. I’m working on that.
As you know, I love being old, do not use euphemisms for it and, indeed, have written a book about why I like being here, aged 82 - same title as my Substack. Why? Because I feel much more myself, more confident in myself and my decisions, feel comfortable in my body (despite it having deteriorated considerably), have closer and better relationships than ever and the icing on the cake is watching the grandchildren grow and interacting with them - they are now 18 and 14.
I am not going to comment on Biden except to say he isn't OLD, he is FRAIL - and one shouldn't confuse the two, although people do. Of course, he is old (at 81, one had to admit that), but the big issue is his frailty. Bernie Sanders will outlast us all.
Ann ... love this discussion but disagree about Biden. Thinking about the schedule he keeps and his determination to make our country better, I think he is hardly frail. Old, yes. And, bold, yes. Sometimes I see his age as he walks and sometimes I see him laughing and talking to people as if being with them is feeding his body and spirit and he will live forever. Perhaps, the word frail just triggers my own fear of aging. At 78, I don't mind being old. At frail, I might.
Well, old and frail are related, but two different things. Last time I saw him on TV, Bernie Sanders didn't look at all frail. I am older than Biden and not frail at all (but I wouldn't want to be President, even if I could). The serious problem with Biden is, whether or not he is physically or mentally frail, he SEEMS as if he is – and that, in my view, will lose the election. Everyone is busy assuring themselves about how capable he seems, but it's not the strong Democrats who are going to be key – it's the independents. But that is another issue and I am going against a general policy never to discuss politics.
Ann, appreciate you holding back… 🤓
If I may add further thoughts (just out for a walk and they came to me), yes, there are definitely negative aspects to aging - loads of them: memory a mess, can't run, can't stand on a ladder without wobbling etc etc (not to mention friends dying and thinking about death) but I just think these are more than compensated for by the positive aspects, which I have already mentioned.
But I was worried about your suggesting you felt 'ashamed' about aging. It is NOT a personal failure but part of life. Should a disabled child (or adult, for that matter) feel ashamed of their frailty?? I don't think so. Should a dying person feel ashamed of dying (the ultimate frailty)? No, of course not. You, Debbie, should stop immediately any thoughts that oncoming frailties are something to be ashamed of. Yes, they are annoying; yes, we don't like it; but they are part of getting to our age. Lots of people never make it at all. You need a big hug!!
Ann, I agree, as always! My unconscious is at work and it’s mightily influenced by what’s in the air around me… so, I’m being honest.
But what’s in the air making you ashamed of being old? Biden? He’s a good man but he needs to admit to what he’s capable of. I am sure you would. I still send you a hug.
Aging in the US is probably tougher than other countries b/c Americans place so much emphasis on youth and beauty. But it's a fact of life, if we make it to an 'older' age, and looking in the mirror is a reminder that we're past our bloom. I've had both knees and both hips successfully replaced (I'm bionic!) and bc of that, I can still walk my 30 min. daily, scale stairs w/ no problem, and get around fine which makes me supremely happy. So rather than a failure, I feel like a success. Every day I bound down my stairs I'm so happy I can get my morning walk in. Because now, I CAN walk, and walk well, no limp thanks to my great surgeons (and doing all the PT required). I have/had so many older women friends, many now passed, and loved their wisdom, cool stories and memories, and life lessons they shared. No part of getting old feels like a personal failing. I'm glad to be healthy and here. And re Biden, I think he's simply stating the obvious, b/c he knows it's on everyone's mind, imho.
I’m 70 and after two serious bouts of cancer I am thrilled to be old and alive. There are definitely changes and I have sometimes had a Hard time accepting them but overall the wrinkles, the aches and pains, the thinner gray hair. I’ll take them all.
Noticing I can't count on what was a photographic memory (literally could call up a memory of a page (photos, captions and all) and "read" it in my mind--not actually recall the info without the visual memory of the page) the way I used to do. I sometimes have a noticeable (to me and increasingly to others) pause to remember a phrase. Physically, I was only intermittently attentive to exercise in the past and now exercise more consistently, so the improvement from that is a positive, which weighed against my aging declines currently still leaves me net positive on physical abilities. I didn't ski during the pandemic--had a trip to Breckenridge scheduled for March 2020 that I had to cancel. Need to commit to do a full pre-ski workout plan this Summer and Fall to see if skiing next winter makes sense. I only started skiing in my mid 30s, so it's not as hard wired in my brain as if I did it as a child. I will at least give it one more try to ski at high altitude, probably while doing a continuing ed conference. So if skiing doesn't work out, at least I will be somewhere pretty for to get cme. I definitely notice the mental changes, the physical changes average out, body is definitely aging, but my intentional exercise hours are increasing.
I’ll be 83 next birthday. Thankfully my cognitive abilities are still strong but physically I’m not faring as well. With minor heart issues I get tired more easily. The fact that I am the caregiver for my husband keeps me on the go and my dr says also keeps me moving and therefore young.
Aging takes the edge off all abilities- just fact of being human. I choose to not drive at night, but I can if necessary. I feel that you have to resist aging with a mild pressure. Try things, do what you can, take a break and listen to your body and mind. Try to find other ways of doing things that don’t require using parts that hurt.
We have an old farm with yard work galore. I’d love to hire some help but can’t right now- so I’ve accepted that there is beauty in letting some parts revert to nature- wild can be so beautiful. So to help with the other parts I gave myself the gift of a very small battery operated chainsaw for my birthday. Our tractor, my chainsaw and trimmer go a long way to curbing the wild I will resist. I do ask for help when I need it, something that often comes hard to this stubborn soul.
At 73 I don't think getting old is anything to be embarrassed about, but reality is better faced than rejected.
Both mentally and physically I am not what I used to be. I'm now blessed with the privilege of sitting back, relaxing and letting the younger generation do most of the work.
I believe that Biden should have stepped aside after one term.
Perhaps pride got in the way.
Now it's probably too late and the Democratics will have no one to blame but themselves if this pivotal election is lost.
The first time I felt "too old" for something was, LOL, when I was still in my early 20s! Being out of college and working full time, I discovered I could no longer go to the college parties (I still had friends in school) that started at 11 PM and still function the next day.
I'm 57 now, and mostly what I notice is that I have less energy and physical flexibility than I used to. But I have more equanimity, more serenity, and I have found my happiness only grows with each year. Most of the people I know in their 60s and 70s are still quite active, and this has recalibrated my whole sense of what is possible at what age. But when they do start to slow down, they say balance, energy levels, and driving at night are the first things to give them trouble.
This is a natural process, yet I think in the US we find it scary because our culture puts such a big emphasis on individualism and independence, and eschews social safety nets. We have built a culture around driving, and we place a high value on being able to operate a car, to live alone, to handle our financial and physical lives. We don't encourage interdependence or embrace aging as inevitable (if we survive long enough!). We don't build accessible housing as a matter of course, but rather treat accessible features as special add-ons. So, no wonder it can be scary!
Thank you so much for raising these questions and making space for these conversations, Debbie. While I’m "only" 49, my partner is 61, my parents are in their 70s, and I’ve been thinking a lot about aging.
For my partner and I, it’s scary knowing that we don’t have any retirement savings and will most likely need to keep working through the coming decades. There really isn’t a societal or familial safety net for us. (It’s not that we don’t want to save; it’s just that we’ve been on a treadmill living month-to-month in Canada.) I love my work, but I worry that at a certain point I won’t be able to find more of it or enough of it. And I worry a lot about our health and how that will change in the coming years and what that will mean. Our solution for now was to move to Southeast Asia. It will hopefully allow us to save; it also allows us to afford many healthcare services that we can’t afford in North America.
Dana, your comment squarely addresses the “reality” of old age. Thank you! Your determination to look ahead and make decisions now about where and how to live is so brave; it’s hard to imagine our future selves (I find that very difficult at 72). P.S. Keep telling us about your move to SE Asia; we want to hear all!
I have come to the conclusion that I don't have enough timeline left to try to be traditionally published. At the speed it moves, I could be dead before my book hits the shelves. If, indeed, I could make it through all the hurdles in the first place.
Rose, yes! become an author entrepreneur and self or hybrid publish!
Well, that's what I am investigating now, but looking into self-publishing is like the sharks smelling blood in the water! So many options! It's tiring just thinking about it.
I turned 71 five months ago. It’s still doesn’t “feel” old. I wonder when I might feel that. Have I given anything up? Well…. Dating. Yes, I can say that despite enjoying the company of intelligent kind gentlemen, I have stopped looking about for them. Gone are those days.
As the years advance (just hit #74), AI has taken over as my creative fountain of youth. It sparks the same electrifying thoughts and project ideas I've always cherished, with some now moving through the gates, into reality. My mind races with possibilities, defying the march of time. And if fortune smiles upon these ventures, perhaps I'll indulge in some rejuvenating treatments to smooth out these ever-deepening lines - vanity permitting, of course. The future, it seems, holds promise for both mind and body--maybe I can afford the personal trainer I have wanted for at least 2 decades!
Cherie, I’m also intrigued by AI. This is fascinating!
I am working on some significant quality of life apps.
A good question. I’m Australian so thankfully not invested in US politics, but it does feel a little like watching a train wreck some days. Sigh. On a personal level, I’m 65, retired and delightfully busy. The occasional tweak of habits has allowed me to bypass any negative aspects of aging to this point. Hopefully there’ll be many years before I need to worry. Sending heaps of hugs and best wishes.
Beth, thank you. We’re all on tenterhooks here in the U.S.
I have some wonderful examples of women who lived well into their 90s in my family. I am turning 60 next week and feel like I'm just getting started but in a new way, an easy and relaxed way. I can feel the changes in my vision, the tightness in my tendons, my energy is lower but I feel solid like I can handle these changes. Zero shame. It is what it is and I intend to make it wonderful!
Go for it, you're just getting into your prime!
YES!! Thanks Ann.
I don't know how I feel about it. I'm 66. Recently I've had to modify and adjust certain activities that have been an integral part of my life. Doing handstands, playing golf, and quitting my career (the latter has been difficult, I (was) a casino dealer) due to inefficiently being able to handle anxiety, and the rote work has all but ruined neck and shoulders. I wish there were some type of talk therapy and instruction on how to accept loss of life-long endeavors.
In regards to Biden I'm going to step out and say it made me want to weep when I saw just a bit of the debate. Would anyone want to stand up in front of the world in such a frail condition? His performance somewhat put a reality check on my own aging. You have to know when to call it quits... and this I'm afraid takes more courage to do than actually walking away when the time comes.
Patti, yes that’s the challenge of [b]old age: “how to accept loss of life-long endeavors.” I don’t think there’s an instruction list, but maybe improving our self-talk…
I'm starting to meditate this week to work on that. It needs a bit of an overhaul!
This consideration prompted my writing.
When you look at me
and quickly look away
with disgust and disdain
you judge me weak
unable to stave off the vestiges of time
made manifest
within what I would deem
a miracle
this amazing form I inhabit
consists of every pathway ever walked
by every ancestor that proceeds me
they number in countless thousands
through peril and circumstance beyond all reason
I have become
that I may feel and taste and move and see
the great joys and deep sorrows life delivers up
in service to my learning, my opening, my refinement
in service to the unique bright spark
in service to the witness
in service to the uplift
why would one ever turn away from knowing
why would one choose instead
to pretend that you are your outer-forever
forever is found in your core
not in the screens or trappings or elixirs
formulated by predators
to steal from you your electrical spark
in support of their own Hollywood illusions
the darkness you attempt to repel with scaffolded outer-form
will devour you whole
look instead to the beauty within you
within your life, your spark, your light
allow not your assumption of being
to be formed by vampires
those with deep self-loathing
quaking within their own perpetual midnight
your disdain builds not a fortress wall
between you and your end times
needed for your pathway instead
find tools and vision and courage
seek those that lift you
and inspire your curiosity to refine
rather see that you are another me
with the illusion of age
simply an inhalation and exhalation
coursing electric
through unseen lines
laid long before we knew
our own light