Hi Debbie - I have found your Substack newsletter this morning via Notes and quickly realize that we are treading very similar ground! I'd love the opportunity to have a chat with you (via Zoom, of course) and explore the possibiility of having you as a guest on our weekly series, If you like, check out our content to date at theart2aging.substack.com. I think your views on aging and especially ageism would be valuable for our audience. If you want to reach me directly, my personal email is chrishenry8@gmail.com. Looking forward to hearing from you, Debbie! Chris Henry
Debbie, what a momentous time. No matter when you lose a parent, you’re never really prepared. And becoming an adult orphan is a shock at any age. Congratulations on a successful year of Substacking. You have made a wise choice, and I’m keen to see what you’ll tackle next.
So sorry about your dad… how wonderful you had him so long! Hugs and prayers for your family as you get through these weeks ahead. Congrats on the first anniversary! 🎉👍It was just mine too… how much we’ve learned! How much we’ve shed a light on aging… no big deal imo! We are growing along, changing stereotypes all the way! Thinking of you Debbie…take care. 🤗🤗🤗🙏🙏🙏
A complex emotional week indeed. How do each of us handle the bittersweet? Excellent question. I notice that it helps me to intentionally slow down, and to allow myself to feel everything. I’ve often created small “memory altars /keepers” during such times. I find things that represent what I’m letting go of, and what is entering my world, and things that represent as many of the feelings as I can, and I place them in one spot, all together. I might add a small vase of flowers. And throughout however long it takes, I spend ten or fifteen minutes with this memory altar, considering each item and feeling. Not shoving it aside, not falling too deeply in. For me, It helps to have a place to hold space.
Debbie, my sympathy to you. Two losses of family in so short a time is hard to bear even when anticipated. Loss of the podcast is no less a source of grief. Be gentle with yourself.
On the topic of bittersweet endings: At other times in my life I have looked forward to new beginnings with little of the tugging from what is left behind. Now, at 85 I am approaching a move from the town where I moved for a job opportunity in 1985, where I met and lived with my second husband. It occurs to me that this is a bittersweet ending only in the sense that I am leaving the place where I was dearly loved and loved in return. I am taking good memories with me.
I am leaving behind good friends and neighbors, my clubs and civic activities and the home I bought, decorated and personalized 14 years ago. My move is forced by the lack of public transportation from here to the city 120 miles south where my children's families live. Although I am still a capable, safe driver with a clean driving record, I think it is time to stop long-distance driving.
I look forward to updating my new home. Making it and my tiny patio and garden my personal space with be a joy. I look forward to finding new activities to replace those I leave behind. Have always been too busy to join Senior Citizen groups but now might be the time. Have been an elections worker for years and will volunteer again in my new place. Hoping to forge closer connections with my adult grandchildren. The thought of new connections is complicated by diminished hearing but I'm learning techniques that assist with that. Physically, I can still manage but at a slower pace. New medical and other professional connections will hopefully be eased through my children's referrals. Time to turn the page and write a new chapter in my life. (BTW, most of my extended family lived well into their 90s so I'm counting on my genes.)
ooo Jane, this is a marvelous accounting of the ways in which you are handling big change by looking forward. You have inspired me. And as you so aptly point out: "this is a bittersweet ending... I am taking good memories with me."
Dear Debbie, Thank you for being so inspirational to the rest of us. It was good to see you last week, appearing at our class reunion, even though your father had just passed on. Showing up amidst friends and colleagues during your grief. At our age it becomes essential to flow with a series of overlapping endings and new beginnings, and to remember to feel joy along with sorrow. Having a cohort of others around the same age gives us a wider community in addition to our families and home friends. Personally I felt re-inspired , as if our old college connections and rowing team had grown into a wider basket of support, a larger team. It's brave of you to take on issues facing us elders, but it's also a gift to the young ones to write about these ideas. For those of us who feel like writing more, our descendants are cheering us on. Brava!
Jenny, it was so wonderful to see you at our big reunion last week ((50th Harvard/Radcliffe Reunion, for anyone wondering!). You and I didn’t get to talk enough but I’m so glad we’ve both discovered this cohort of 70-something women (class of 1974) with whom we have so much in common.
It was a good visit with so many. I was also surprised I could still row in an eight for 45 minutes. Very inspiring. We can communicate here, especially as I intend to get better at Substack.
In terms of topics or questions to look at for the future, I’m interested in examining the bittersweet endings that we did not know at the time were endings. I’m thinking in particular of the moment when I finally accepted that I would not have any more children. I had three daughters. My youngest was eight and I was 50. A wise woman said to me “Christine, it’s time for you to make room for someone else to have children. “That thought was a comfort to me. Having just spent a year with treatment for breast cancer and the symptoms of a heart attack I’m looking back and realizing that I have experienced the bittersweet ending of what I thought of as “good health.”
I am fascinated by this perspective. I remember trying to explain to my mother after my divorce that I was not grieving over my first husband's infidelity or the divorce. I was grieving the loss of the dream of "happily ever after, the ideal family, we two against the world". She wanted me to share her anger at his betrayal of her daughter. I was over the anger and just so very sad.
I’m wondering what your dad would think about the end of your podcast. I’m imagining a lot of his life force and personality has imbued your writer self and the way you have talked about the larger issues in life. Just sitting back and reflecting on his contribution to your life is a way of acknowledging the loss and reaffirming your intention to be present fully and completely in the world.
Christine, what an insightful comment. Yes, even though we had our differences, my dad was a huge influence. And I should take more time to acknowledge that! On a side note, the only thing he ever asked about my podcast was how many "subscribers" I had (idk; you can't get those numbers from Apple) and how much money I was making from it... ha ha, not a penny.
Yes we know our family are not our best readers. I’m so lucky I have one daughter who loves to read my work. Of course, she’s always looking for herself in the pages.
Sorry about your dad. That’s hard, even when expected. ❤️
As far as bittersweet endings, I’ve had a few. They are hard to navigate! This last one, a move away our home where we raised our family, took a lot out of me. But, I keep getting positive messages about this move. So I would say, when you are missing what you’ve left behind, look at where you are now and the potentialities of what lies ahead. That gets me excited, and whenever I do feel melancholy about my old home, I immediately do a “yeah, but…” and think about all I love on this side of the move.
Also, because other endings have been work ones, I try to look back at the lessons learned and not all the blood, sweat, and tears that I feel like I’ve invested and am walking away from (the most recent one trying my hand at an herbal business). Sure, it didn’t take off (I’m good at creating, not so good at business), but I like that I can take all the knowledge and experience I gleaned into my writing.
Oh yes, leaving the home where we raised our daughters was definitely a sad ending. But the truth is that what I miss about that house was it being filled with kids and commotion. By the time they had all moved out and I was walking from empty room to empty room with my dog shadowing me, the feeling of family in that home was gone. Luckily we sold it to our next-door neighbors who had three children, and we are still in touch with them.
Oh! I had similar feelings. My kids were further away, with babies and not as keen on traveling the hour+ back home between nap times and bedtimes. We, too, sold it to a young family, a classmate of my son. And it’s nice being a more frequent part of my kids’ lives again.
Sending you healing vibes, Debbie. I just spent a week with my dad in hospital after he broke his hip. A valuable connection with this 97 year old lifelong hero. I'm sure you're missing your parents. Its especially hard when the last one goes.
Bittersweet when that last member of their generation goes, even though you might know it was coming. Still, my sister and I somehow find humor to ease the pain. Having lost, in succession over 16 months, our father, our brother and our mother, my two sisters and I sat at our parent's dining table. After a lull in conversation our older sister age 45 said, "Well, now I am the head of the family." We two collapsed in laughter and she was mightily offended.
To be clear, hers was not a warm, nurturing personality. All business, accuracy and certainty in her opinions and no noticeable sense of humor. By contrast we were silly and superficial. Forty years later I am the head of the family (the Matriarch!) and my dear younger sis finds that to be hilarious.
ha ha I love this. It made me pause and remember that I am now the second oldest person in my extended family. I have a wonderful first cousin who is a few years older.
Sending energy and hugs in the loss of your dad. Bittersweet endings…..some are easier to handle than others others. Grief seems to take its own time and energy. I once had someone describe it as standing in the ocean and some of the waves lap at your ankles and then some could almost knock you over. And you never know what wave will,come next
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/e_trim:10:white/e_trim:10:transparent/h_72,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fb939748d-5d80-4d0f-867c-2ed252ac633c_1344x256.png)
Hi Debbie - I have found your Substack newsletter this morning via Notes and quickly realize that we are treading very similar ground! I'd love the opportunity to have a chat with you (via Zoom, of course) and explore the possibiility of having you as a guest on our weekly series, If you like, check out our content to date at theart2aging.substack.com. I think your views on aging and especially ageism would be valuable for our audience. If you want to reach me directly, my personal email is chrishenry8@gmail.com. Looking forward to hearing from you, Debbie! Chris Henry
Debbie, what a momentous time. No matter when you lose a parent, you’re never really prepared. And becoming an adult orphan is a shock at any age. Congratulations on a successful year of Substacking. You have made a wise choice, and I’m keen to see what you’ll tackle next.
Rona, thanks for your support - and belief in me - as always!
So sorry about your dad… how wonderful you had him so long! Hugs and prayers for your family as you get through these weeks ahead. Congrats on the first anniversary! 🎉👍It was just mine too… how much we’ve learned! How much we’ve shed a light on aging… no big deal imo! We are growing along, changing stereotypes all the way! Thinking of you Debbie…take care. 🤗🤗🤗🙏🙏🙏
Thank you Joan; there's still so much to say and do to challenge the stereotypes around aging!
I'm sorry for your loss, Debbie. Take care of yourself!
thank you Cherie - working on it
My condolences to you, Debbie, and congratulations on one year on Substack. Looking forward to your posts on MAID and other topics.
A complex emotional week indeed. How do each of us handle the bittersweet? Excellent question. I notice that it helps me to intentionally slow down, and to allow myself to feel everything. I’ve often created small “memory altars /keepers” during such times. I find things that represent what I’m letting go of, and what is entering my world, and things that represent as many of the feelings as I can, and I place them in one spot, all together. I might add a small vase of flowers. And throughout however long it takes, I spend ten or fifteen minutes with this memory altar, considering each item and feeling. Not shoving it aside, not falling too deeply in. For me, It helps to have a place to hold space.
Teyani, this is an intriguing idea. I will work on it.
Lovely. Everything old is new. 🙏
Debbie, my sympathy to you. Two losses of family in so short a time is hard to bear even when anticipated. Loss of the podcast is no less a source of grief. Be gentle with yourself.
On the topic of bittersweet endings: At other times in my life I have looked forward to new beginnings with little of the tugging from what is left behind. Now, at 85 I am approaching a move from the town where I moved for a job opportunity in 1985, where I met and lived with my second husband. It occurs to me that this is a bittersweet ending only in the sense that I am leaving the place where I was dearly loved and loved in return. I am taking good memories with me.
I am leaving behind good friends and neighbors, my clubs and civic activities and the home I bought, decorated and personalized 14 years ago. My move is forced by the lack of public transportation from here to the city 120 miles south where my children's families live. Although I am still a capable, safe driver with a clean driving record, I think it is time to stop long-distance driving.
I look forward to updating my new home. Making it and my tiny patio and garden my personal space with be a joy. I look forward to finding new activities to replace those I leave behind. Have always been too busy to join Senior Citizen groups but now might be the time. Have been an elections worker for years and will volunteer again in my new place. Hoping to forge closer connections with my adult grandchildren. The thought of new connections is complicated by diminished hearing but I'm learning techniques that assist with that. Physically, I can still manage but at a slower pace. New medical and other professional connections will hopefully be eased through my children's referrals. Time to turn the page and write a new chapter in my life. (BTW, most of my extended family lived well into their 90s so I'm counting on my genes.)
ooo Jane, this is a marvelous accounting of the ways in which you are handling big change by looking forward. You have inspired me. And as you so aptly point out: "this is a bittersweet ending... I am taking good memories with me."
So sorry about your father, Debbie. What a week.
I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad Debbie, it was clearly a long life and I hope it was well lived.
Dear Debbie, Thank you for being so inspirational to the rest of us. It was good to see you last week, appearing at our class reunion, even though your father had just passed on. Showing up amidst friends and colleagues during your grief. At our age it becomes essential to flow with a series of overlapping endings and new beginnings, and to remember to feel joy along with sorrow. Having a cohort of others around the same age gives us a wider community in addition to our families and home friends. Personally I felt re-inspired , as if our old college connections and rowing team had grown into a wider basket of support, a larger team. It's brave of you to take on issues facing us elders, but it's also a gift to the young ones to write about these ideas. For those of us who feel like writing more, our descendants are cheering us on. Brava!
Jenny, it was so wonderful to see you at our big reunion last week ((50th Harvard/Radcliffe Reunion, for anyone wondering!). You and I didn’t get to talk enough but I’m so glad we’ve both discovered this cohort of 70-something women (class of 1974) with whom we have so much in common.
It was a good visit with so many. I was also surprised I could still row in an eight for 45 minutes. Very inspiring. We can communicate here, especially as I intend to get better at Substack.
In terms of topics or questions to look at for the future, I’m interested in examining the bittersweet endings that we did not know at the time were endings. I’m thinking in particular of the moment when I finally accepted that I would not have any more children. I had three daughters. My youngest was eight and I was 50. A wise woman said to me “Christine, it’s time for you to make room for someone else to have children. “That thought was a comfort to me. Having just spent a year with treatment for breast cancer and the symptoms of a heart attack I’m looking back and realizing that I have experienced the bittersweet ending of what I thought of as “good health.”
I am fascinated by this perspective. I remember trying to explain to my mother after my divorce that I was not grieving over my first husband's infidelity or the divorce. I was grieving the loss of the dream of "happily ever after, the ideal family, we two against the world". She wanted me to share her anger at his betrayal of her daughter. I was over the anger and just so very sad.
I’m wondering what your dad would think about the end of your podcast. I’m imagining a lot of his life force and personality has imbued your writer self and the way you have talked about the larger issues in life. Just sitting back and reflecting on his contribution to your life is a way of acknowledging the loss and reaffirming your intention to be present fully and completely in the world.
Christine, what an insightful comment. Yes, even though we had our differences, my dad was a huge influence. And I should take more time to acknowledge that! On a side note, the only thing he ever asked about my podcast was how many "subscribers" I had (idk; you can't get those numbers from Apple) and how much money I was making from it... ha ha, not a penny.
Yes we know our family are not our best readers. I’m so lucky I have one daughter who loves to read my work. Of course, she’s always looking for herself in the pages.
my dad did come on the podcast twice and it was wonderful. He was part of the first episode: https://debbieweil.com/blog/podcasts/episode-1-gap-years-are-not-wasted-on-the-young/ and then again the day after the 2020 election when he was almost 90 (he was an ardent Democrat): https://debbieweil.com/blog/podcasts/s3-ep6-debbies-90-year-old-dad-talks-about-the-most-extraordinary-election-of-his-lifetime/
Sorry about your dad. That’s hard, even when expected. ❤️
As far as bittersweet endings, I’ve had a few. They are hard to navigate! This last one, a move away our home where we raised our family, took a lot out of me. But, I keep getting positive messages about this move. So I would say, when you are missing what you’ve left behind, look at where you are now and the potentialities of what lies ahead. That gets me excited, and whenever I do feel melancholy about my old home, I immediately do a “yeah, but…” and think about all I love on this side of the move.
Also, because other endings have been work ones, I try to look back at the lessons learned and not all the blood, sweat, and tears that I feel like I’ve invested and am walking away from (the most recent one trying my hand at an herbal business). Sure, it didn’t take off (I’m good at creating, not so good at business), but I like that I can take all the knowledge and experience I gleaned into my writing.
Oh yes, leaving the home where we raised our daughters was definitely a sad ending. But the truth is that what I miss about that house was it being filled with kids and commotion. By the time they had all moved out and I was walking from empty room to empty room with my dog shadowing me, the feeling of family in that home was gone. Luckily we sold it to our next-door neighbors who had three children, and we are still in touch with them.
Oh! I had similar feelings. My kids were further away, with babies and not as keen on traveling the hour+ back home between nap times and bedtimes. We, too, sold it to a young family, a classmate of my son. And it’s nice being a more frequent part of my kids’ lives again.
Sending you healing vibes, Debbie. I just spent a week with my dad in hospital after he broke his hip. A valuable connection with this 97 year old lifelong hero. I'm sure you're missing your parents. Its especially hard when the last one goes.
Bittersweet when that last member of their generation goes, even though you might know it was coming. Still, my sister and I somehow find humor to ease the pain. Having lost, in succession over 16 months, our father, our brother and our mother, my two sisters and I sat at our parent's dining table. After a lull in conversation our older sister age 45 said, "Well, now I am the head of the family." We two collapsed in laughter and she was mightily offended.
To be clear, hers was not a warm, nurturing personality. All business, accuracy and certainty in her opinions and no noticeable sense of humor. By contrast we were silly and superficial. Forty years later I am the head of the family (the Matriarch!) and my dear younger sis finds that to be hilarious.
ha ha I love this. It made me pause and remember that I am now the second oldest person in my extended family. I have a wonderful first cousin who is a few years older.
Sending energy and hugs in the loss of your dad. Bittersweet endings…..some are easier to handle than others others. Grief seems to take its own time and energy. I once had someone describe it as standing in the ocean and some of the waves lap at your ankles and then some could almost knock you over. And you never know what wave will,come next
lovely image