One year later: Please don't say "Sorry for your loss"!

It's still complicated, but I am starting to take responsibility for my own self-doubt

Right after my dad died in late May, 2024, I didn’t feel raw grief, the kind that leaves you sobbing and bereft, with that ache in the chest when you realize you’ll spend the rest of your life missing someone. I didn’t feel waves of anger or despair. Actually, for several weeks, I felt nothing at all; or at least, I was clueless as to how I felt. A week after he died, I wrote a post with several updates: my podcast was ending after five years, it was my one-year anniversary on Substack, and oh yes, my father, age 93, had died after a long decline. So I was genuinely puzzled when readers’ comments were all about my dad (“sorry for your loss”) and not about the end of my podcast or the longevity of the [B]old Age newsletter.

My dad and me enjoying a warm day in DC, one year before he died.

It was not a “passing” occurrence that my dad had died after a 15-month decline, even though it felt that way at first. It was a big deal. This was a new reality… and I was grieving.

But reading the many comments of sympathy jolted me into examining my feelings more closely. It was not a “passing” occurrence that my dad had died after a 15-month decline, even though it felt that way at first. It was a big deal. This was a new reality that I had to integrate into my life and my being, and I WAS grieving. Still, much as I appreciated readers’ condolences, I found the phrase “sorry for your loss”¹ to be unhelpful and uncomfortable, as it didn’t at all describe how I was feeling. My quibble with “sorry for your loss” prompted me to write a deeper follow-up post, which I’m sharing again today, along with an update on the changing nature of my grief.

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