Nan Tepper on “coming out” as a writer and finally accepting herself

A Q&A with a queer, single, 63-year-old woman who writes with humor about depression, disordered eating, and her dysfunctional family.

If I’m ashamed of my life, how can I possibly make a difference in someone else’s? -

Nan Tepper

I knew

Nan Tepper

was [b]old as soon as I started reading The Next Write Thing. She has a singular and clear voice, she’s quick to laugh at herself, and she writes with humor and honesty about how she’s recovering from–and making sense of–really hard, often relatable things: depression, childhood trauma, disordered body image, disordered eating, 12-step programs, sexual identity, looking for the perfect partner, and more. She writes in a deliberately casual and rhythmic style, often using short sentences, that I find so refreshing. And Nan knows how to tell a story! She’s performed story slams live from the stage for Woodstock Bookfest; on Substack, she takes those same skills and jumps right into her topics, piling up just the right details, and breathlessly pulling us along. She makes us want to know what happens NEXT!

I’m a storytelling director as well as a writer, so I feel confident saying that Nan is really good at this. Here’s the first paragraph of her first post, Bigger Than What?, published June 17, 2024:

“I’ve had an eating disorder since childhood. I’ve binged, over-exercised, starved, and flirted with laxatives. I’ve tried diets and gotten sucked into fads. I’ve done Weight Watchers, Noom, The Whole 30, Atkins, and keto. I’ve lost track at this point. I’ve consumed weight-loss shakes by the pitcher, and eaten apple cider gummies by the jarful. I’ve tried acupuncture and Chinese herbs. In the 80s, I tried a little cocaine. (Fine, fine, maybe a little more than a little, but it was expensive, and I was afraid of dying…and prison.)” - Nan Tepper

Not surprisingly, after less than a year on Substack, Nan’s The Next Write Thing became a bestseller¹.

This Q&A with Nan brings up a number of topics that fascinate me, like learning to love yourself and identifying as a writer, not “someone who writes.” Hope you’ll join us in the Comments!

Nan Tepper photo by Franco Vogt

Debbie Weil: What is your morning ritual? Tell us everything! What time do you get up? Coffee first thing? Do you write every day, and, if so, do you have a ritual to get started?

Nan Tepper: I have a very specific morning ritual that means everything to me. I wake up around 7 AM, get out of bed, kick my thermostat back up to 67º from 60º, set water to boil for coffee, and let my two dogs out to pee. While they’re outside, I set up their food bowls. And every day I get to experience the utter joy of watching them run back into the house so they can devour breakfast with as much verve as if they’d never eaten before and have just discovered a marvelous secret: this thing called food. Huzzah! Food!

It happens like that every single day, twice a day. Life is entirely new for them. I’d love to feel THAT excited about my daily meals. After breakfast, my cup of coffee in the stainless-steel mug I adore, I sit back in my recliner, open my laptop and spend the next two glorious hours enjoying my mostly set-in-stone routine before the official start of my day, the one that involves contact with people. I begin with both crossword puzzles, Mini and Maxi; the Spelling Bee, Wordle, Connections, and Strands. I’ve been doing them for years, and they’re mandatory. Nothing else happens until they’re finished. Next, a quick trip through social media and morning reads on Substack and then I skim the news. At 9 AM every day, I Zoom into my 12-Step meeting.

Yes, I do write every day, but not only The Next Write Thing. I write profiles about my StyleYourStack clients so that I can showcase the work I’ve done for them and promote their writing. I use it as a place to explore my sense of humor (I long to be a very funny writer.) I recently submitted an essay to The Rumpus that will be published this month. That’s a first, I’m so excited.

Apart from my weekly essay, I’m working on early drafts of a memoir about my loving, yet extremely dysfunctional relationship with my father, a man who came out around the same time I did, in the mid-1970s. The family that’s gay together stays together?

DW: The description of your newsletter, The Next Write Thing, charmingly says that one of your topics is “coming out as a writer.” You’re open about being gay, so tell us what you mean by that.

NT: I’ve been open about my sexuality since I was 14 or 15 years old. I do talk about being gay, because I think I have a responsibility to be honest and out there, especially during this insane time we’re experiencing politically.

But my sexuality is just a part of me. I don’t really think about it that much. I’m single and I’m discovering as I age, that as much as I thought I wanted to be a part of a couple, to create a family of my own making, I love being on my own. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a partner for decades. I marvel at and am a little envious of people who do and desire it for themselves. I think it has a lot to do with how much of my life I’ve spent single and issues I’ve got with trust, with intimacy.

I spent so many years longing for my special partner, “the one,” thinking “when I find her, then all will be well.” I finally found her, and I was right, all IS well, because she IS me.

As far as coming out as a writer…YES! Finally. When I was a child, my literary hero was Harriet the Spy, the character from the ground-breaking kid’s book by Louise Fitzhugh. I wanted to be just like her. Then life happened as a multitude of hard experiences, and I lost touch with my dream of being a writer. For years, I dabbled. I dabbled mostly as a Story Slam performer. All that was required was writing and performing a four-minute story (about 500 words) once or twice a year for the last 10 years. Then a few years ago I met the woman who I thought I would or could spend the rest of my life with. She’s a writer and saw my ability and cheered me on, encouraged me, said “Nan, you’re a writer, and you have so many stories to tell. You have to write.” I decided to believe her, and said to myself, “Now or never, kiddo.” Time’s a wasting, do it. Do it. Do it. So, I did it, and I’m over the moon at how my writing is being received. Sadly, we didn’t work out as a couple. I’m so grateful to her that she helped nudge me awake and believed in me. A couple of months ago I officially marked my status as a writer, and not “someone who writes” with a tattoo of Harriet the Spy on my right forearm. My muse is with me all the time, now.

DW: I love how you write about sensitive subjects, like disordered eating and body shaming. You’ve also written about your fraught relationship with your mom and vowed to write more about her (plus she’s given you permission to do so!). Do you have any tips for how–and why–to write about a difficult or dysfunctional relationship with a parent?

NT: This is the hardest question. I must write about those sensitive issues; they’re the issues I’ve grappled with my whole life. I also write about my mental health history, a topic of major importance to me, to help destigmatize depression and trauma. I write for my own clarity, with the hope that something I say might normalize the things that we look upon as sensitive subjects. I love the expression “out loud and proud.” If I’m ashamed of my life, how can I possibly make a difference in someone else’s?

The question regarding writing about my mom is the one I balked at when I saw it. My relationship with her IS fraught for me, for both of us. I did write an essay about us but have come to have mixed feelings about it. It was very popular compared to some of my other posts, and readers took time to comment and share their own stories. Only one person contacted me privately about the essay. She’s an accomplished memoirist whose opinion I value mightily. She was concerned that I didn’t do my story justice because it’s her belief that you can’t be fully honest about those tough relationships until the parent has died. She said she didn’t hear my voice anywhere in the piece,; that I was playing it safe in deference to my mother. I must agree. I was terribly grateful for her input; it will help my writing.

I wrote the piece about my mother as a way to convey my willingness to heal our tough spots. But I never told the whole story, the details, my rage, my sadness, the disappointment of not having the mother I wanted. I’ve thought about taking it down, but I still think it has value.

Tips? Always write the truth, take care of yourself first, be protective of your well-being. Have patience? There are no guarantees about how people will respond no matter what I write, but I think certain topics deserve pause. Kindness is important, though the quote by Anne Lamott rings in my ears, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

DW: I recently included you in my post, [B]old Ladies Who Write, where I noted that “you’ve given me more insight into what it’s like to be an open-hearted, queer, single woman in her 60s than I’ve ever had before.” If you had to pick one reason you’re driven to write, is it to share life lessons with others? Is it to understand yourself better?

NT: It’s everything you said, Debbie. I think my being queer and single is more interesting to you than it is to me. I write about my heart and the things that have happened in my life. How my life has transformed in stunning ways in the last 5 years. I want people to have hope, I want to be a voice that contributes to demystifying some of the hard stuff of life. I write for clarity. I learn so much about myself and see myself with much more kindness as I share my stories with others.

One of the things I love most about writing on Substack is that we can dialogue with our readers. I’ve noticed that some of my best observations come out after I’ve published the essay, when I respond to comments. I love being a [B]old Lady!

DW: You’re 63; what does [b]old age mean to you?

NT: I’m almost 64! March 8th––which also happens to be International Women’s Day––I love that I share it with all the women of the world! Debbie, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. My 60s haves been my best decade. I struggled for 30+ years with major depression, massive confusion, and a lack of self-confidence and purpose. In my 50s I started seeing life and myself in a more positive light. I created my web and graphic design business from nothing. I’ve got no professional or academic training, I’m self-taught and I built a very successful business. That was my first “coming out” regarding my creative self. It was the beginning of what helped me jump in and start writing. Being in my 60s, coupled with a lot of hard emotional work, addressing Complex PTSD, working with a gifted therapist and committing to a 12-Step program for disordered eating and thinking have given birth to the person I’ve always been. I just didn’t know she was sheltering inside of me until she realized it was safe and necessary to come out of hiding.

DW: Do you consider yourself ambitious? Has your ambition about writing or something else changed as you’ve gotten older?

NT: I’ve always had a fabulous curiosity about things. I love to learn, but until I started writing, a sense of ambition wasn’t there for me. It’s different now. The ambition has to do with wanting to be a good and effective writer. I don’t have an overwhelming desire to publish a book, but who knows, maybe one day that will happen.

I also made a commitment to myself to submit my writing to magazines/online publications this year. That’s a little scary, but I’ve only done it twice so far and my 2^nd submission was accepted!

DW: Looking back, what is one thing you are especially proud of?

NT: Not giving up on myself. I persisted when I felt like it would be better not to be alive, my depressions were that bad. I didn’t believe I could have a good life. I love that I’ve proven myself wrong about so many deeply held false beliefs. I’m proud of my willingness to grow and learn, and my desire to thrive and not just survive.

DW: What is your biggest regret when it comes to life or writing?

NT: I think my biggest regret is not seeing my abilities, my talent, and the contribution that I make to others just by being who I am. I see that now. It’s wonderful. I look in the mirror and I love me. Not so much my body, I’m still a work in progress; but my smile, my true essence. That me, the one who’s borrowing a body as a vehicle for existence. The true me is beyond the body that moves me through life. I’m grateful for that body, and I’m treating her better than I used to.

DW: Anything I forgot to ask you?

NT: “What about your sex life, Nan?”

I do just fine, thank you. Batteries not included.

Nan Tepper grew up on Long Island, where she longed to be cool and cosmopolitan. After high school, she briefly attended Hunter College in New York; and then transferred to Universitas Autodidacta (her name for it) where she “majored in curiosity and minored in trial and error.” She worked a wide variety of jobs, from massage therapist to bookseller to cabinet maker’s apprentice to beauty school dropout before deciding to leave NYC, where too many of her friends had died of AIDS, to attend nursing school in New York’s Hudson Valley. Nursing school was not a good fit, she told me, but she stayed in the Hudson Valley, a mecca for artists and creatives. She’s been there for over 30 years and is now a successful graphic and Web designer. Her Style Your Stack service is aimed specifically at Substack writers.

Nan, thanks so much for opening up and giving us a peek inside your life, especially your identity and growth as a writer. You are an inspiration. - Debbie

Questions for readers

• Nan talks a lot about learning to love herself. In your experience, is that a lifelong endeavor?

• Is there a relationship between “loving yourself” and allowing yourself to become ambitious about your creativity and goals?

Paid subscribers have access to my most popular Q&As, like this one with legendary memoirist Abigail Thomas, and this one with former O Magazine beauty editor Valerie Monroe.

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1. A Substack bestseller is a newsletter that has over 100 paid subscribers.