I really dig this piece. Your candor and vulnerability are refreshing. I'm trying to do my level best to do the same on my what ever you call these platforms? Columns? I was that always-picked-last kiddo in school and then at some point something shifted. I can't honestly pinpoint it. I will say this: it happened late in life when I stopped giving a shit what people thought about me. The freedom that comes from this is immeasurable. Perfection, like potential is akin to Zeno's paradox. The goal post is always moving. Where ever you are going, you've arrived--and that's just being who you are. All best.
I love that Alex responded to your piece - he now knows you exist! How awesome!! Fangirl moment over.
Relatable piece, as always! I've always found it interesting the way each of us will *cope* with the feeling of not being enough, broken, fundamentally unlovable (binge eating? perfectionism? shopping addiction? there are so many ways). And my looking into these insecurities for myself has led me on a lifelong mission of studying and understanding childhood psychology and children's physiological development to understand how as parents we can ENSURE that our children feel safe, whole and worthy of love and inner peace. After all, they are the adults of tomorrow.
Alex‘s response to your piece is priceless. He effuses with potentially false modesty but in such a funny way that I was laughing and crying actually. I feel honored to be on the inside of your truthful humanity because it feels personal and familiar.
Yes, again I relate to what you wrote. My mother could put on fancy bash for 100 without breaking a sweat and I can’t even prepare a meal for anyone but my husband without intense anxiety.
Debbie, I’m 75 and I get it! You remind me of the time at a poetry conference, I asked a well-known young poet if I could have a photo with him, and he grabbed me and kissed me full on the lips. He said “put that on your Facebook. “I was thrilled to be singled out as worth kissing, and also appalled that I was thrilled. And isn’t that the sad truth of it?
ooo love this!! well, maybe we don’t want to get too deeply into september / may romance here as it really isn’t the point. but what fun for you. (I would have been “appalled” too, but also flattered.)
I love the mimicry, I’m guessing Alex was laughing his head off about that. The best part of this piece though is the human connection you draw on. The insecurity we all share, the need to be liked and, for many of us that pervasive perfectionism. It lives in all of us and you demonstrated that perfectly.
Aaw dang, I am also looking for acceptance and approval, even though, I thought I had worked on my self confidence and self esteem, those feelings seem to come back. I'm glad you shared this. Thank you!
Thanks for putting in words what so many of us feel. I'm sorry I can't write to the online public the things that are really bothering me. So grateful to have people praying for these issues, however.
This was a great read. I admire Alex for his vulnerability too. His essay, I can’t remember what it’s called, about his wife not picking up and making him think about dying, really inspired me as a first-time dad. Fatherhood really gives me anxiety—I don’t think I've ever cared about something so much. Therapy and writing have been a balm. The world can use a lot more stories from the heart - I try to add mine to the pile every week.
This is so true for me! Our childhoods sounded remarkable similar. I wasn't "only" but I was oldest with perfectionist parents who were (with good intentions) constantly pointing out how I could be better so I felt not good enough. I wore totally uncool lace up brown oxfords at the insistence of my mother and felt like an outsider. (and I wore bangs and smocked dresses like your photo)
ha ha love this! especially the bangs and smocked dress - though I’m perplexed as to why my hair looks brown; it was always blonde! (But I’m sure it’s me; I recognize the rocking horse)
holy fuck this is so nice i'm freaking out I am going to need a moment to sit with this and process it before i respond fully but this is so damn nice thank you Debbie !!!!
OMG, Debbie! Once again, I feel like you were inside my head. I was an only child and though my mother wasn’t like yours, there was the criticism--in her case, spoken out loud. Often. We moved a lot, so I never did more than 2 years at any one school and I was constantly trying to fit in. I never did. And that feeling/striving to be enough, continued into adulthood. At 70, I must say, it’s a lot better and I feel more comfortable internally saying I don’t give a f#@k, but I often still do. Thank you for another honest and transparent post!
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/e_trim:10:white/e_trim:10:transparent/h_72,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fb939748d-5d80-4d0f-867c-2ed252ac633c_1344x256.png)
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_36,h_36,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fdb1d7636-a0e5-44ef-846d-a6df558eff16_1280x1280.png)
Right?! That desire to be honest and vulnerable (but can it also, please, be funny and well written)!
I love this piece, Debbie. So glad I found you through Mona. :)
I’m more in your target audience than Alex, and enjoyed this piece very much - I look forward to more.
thank you Bill!
I really dig this piece. Your candor and vulnerability are refreshing. I'm trying to do my level best to do the same on my what ever you call these platforms? Columns? I was that always-picked-last kiddo in school and then at some point something shifted. I can't honestly pinpoint it. I will say this: it happened late in life when I stopped giving a shit what people thought about me. The freedom that comes from this is immeasurable. Perfection, like potential is akin to Zeno's paradox. The goal post is always moving. Where ever you are going, you've arrived--and that's just being who you are. All best.
Thank you! Look forward to reading what you’ve been posting. The most recent (about your brother) is searing.
Thank you and likewise. That's kind. That was a hard one to write.
I love that Alex responded to your piece - he now knows you exist! How awesome!! Fangirl moment over.
Relatable piece, as always! I've always found it interesting the way each of us will *cope* with the feeling of not being enough, broken, fundamentally unlovable (binge eating? perfectionism? shopping addiction? there are so many ways). And my looking into these insecurities for myself has led me on a lifelong mission of studying and understanding childhood psychology and children's physiological development to understand how as parents we can ENSURE that our children feel safe, whole and worthy of love and inner peace. After all, they are the adults of tomorrow.
JR, love this comment - you always know just what to say ❤️
Alex‘s response to your piece is priceless. He effuses with potentially false modesty but in such a funny way that I was laughing and crying actually. I feel honored to be on the inside of your truthful humanity because it feels personal and familiar.
Robb, thank you! For everyone else and in full transparency, Robb is my cuz.
Yes, again I relate to what you wrote. My mother could put on fancy bash for 100 without breaking a sweat and I can’t even prepare a meal for anyone but my husband without intense anxiety.
Leslie, I can cook for three or four people without breaking a sweat… just sayin’ (that’s a joke - always wonderful to hear from you!)
Debbie, I’m 75 and I get it! You remind me of the time at a poetry conference, I asked a well-known young poet if I could have a photo with him, and he grabbed me and kissed me full on the lips. He said “put that on your Facebook. “I was thrilled to be singled out as worth kissing, and also appalled that I was thrilled. And isn’t that the sad truth of it?
ooo love this!! well, maybe we don’t want to get too deeply into september / may romance here as it really isn’t the point. but what fun for you. (I would have been “appalled” too, but also flattered.)
P.S. who was the poet??!
For me, the underlying theme is wanting to be noticed. And the invisibility of women that comes with age.
yes, of course! I suppose that's why Alex D. noticing the post means so much to me.
Loved this my friend. Thanks 🙏
Debbie this is so well done my mind is blown!
I love the mimicry, I’m guessing Alex was laughing his head off about that. The best part of this piece though is the human connection you draw on. The insecurity we all share, the need to be liked and, for many of us that pervasive perfectionism. It lives in all of us and you demonstrated that perfectly.
Thank you from a fellow Alex fangirl.
Donna. so glad this spoke to you! Alex’s kind words about the essay (in his note) also mean the world. Makes me want to keep writing.
Aaw dang, I am also looking for acceptance and approval, even though, I thought I had worked on my self confidence and self esteem, those feelings seem to come back. I'm glad you shared this. Thank you!
thank you Dianna. it does seem to be a never-ending process. maybe it's supposed to be like that!
Thanks for putting in words what so many of us feel. I'm sorry I can't write to the online public the things that are really bothering me. So grateful to have people praying for these issues, however.
Jenny, I’m so glad my words resonate with you!
I’m ten years younger than you but totes share your fangirling about Alex. He’s a gem. You’ve written a lovely piece here!
thank you! Alex is a gem too
This was a great read. I admire Alex for his vulnerability too. His essay, I can’t remember what it’s called, about his wife not picking up and making him think about dying, really inspired me as a first-time dad. Fatherhood really gives me anxiety—I don’t think I've ever cared about something so much. Therapy and writing have been a balm. The world can use a lot more stories from the heart - I try to add mine to the pile every week.
Marc, I loved that article too! https://open.substack.com/pub/botharetrue/p/hello-i-love-you-wont-you-pick-up?
Here’s the letter I wrote to my son, after reading with Alex wrote https://open.substack.com/pub/raisingmyles/p/just-in-case-god-pulls-the-plug-and?r=1vqume&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
This is so true for me! Our childhoods sounded remarkable similar. I wasn't "only" but I was oldest with perfectionist parents who were (with good intentions) constantly pointing out how I could be better so I felt not good enough. I wore totally uncool lace up brown oxfords at the insistence of my mother and felt like an outsider. (and I wore bangs and smocked dresses like your photo)
ha ha love this! especially the bangs and smocked dress - though I’m perplexed as to why my hair looks brown; it was always blonde! (But I’m sure it’s me; I recognize the rocking horse)
holy fuck this is so nice i'm freaking out I am going to need a moment to sit with this and process it before i respond fully but this is so damn nice thank you Debbie !!!!
Alex, thank you!!!
OMG, Debbie! Once again, I feel like you were inside my head. I was an only child and though my mother wasn’t like yours, there was the criticism--in her case, spoken out loud. Often. We moved a lot, so I never did more than 2 years at any one school and I was constantly trying to fit in. I never did. And that feeling/striving to be enough, continued into adulthood. At 70, I must say, it’s a lot better and I feel more comfortable internally saying I don’t give a f#@k, but I often still do. Thank you for another honest and transparent post!
so agree that at 70 "it's a lot better." Is there something magic about our age?? we need to work on our "don't give a f#@k's," right?