damn it debbie this was so beautiful thank you I am honestly unable to fathom how anyone could feel this way but I believe you when you say that you do. Also I am gobsmacked to learn that it doesn't get easier and that I will never figure it out??????
I promised that I would not subscribe to another Substack until I finished this dissertation. But your piece on Alex changed my mind. I'm still catching up on the reading here, but there's always room for one more, especially when it's good.
let me break it down in a three step process... just kidding.. I can't. Wouldn't it be nice if it would be that easy? But it includes conscious lengthening breathing, (most people are starved of oxygen, their body starts to shut down and not feel very safe triggering massive anxiety), softening the muscles by consciously unwinding (we are literally holding on to everything), and paying attention to what your body needs (it's the antenna to tell you whats good and whats bad for you) ...and then being really willing to see and feel things you don't want to see as you are in this state. most people are totally numbed and checked out and not able to feel or hear anything. When we start to pay attention to the body, the emotions, the tugs of our heart, Then we can listening to the subtle things that we normally ignore.
When the screaming of the thoughts chill out and we ask ourselves, what do we actually want and need... it guides us to the things that make us feel well. Most of us have learned to avoid or push past discomfort and big emotions but it simply doesn't work. I really believe we all can feel well, self assured, safe to be who we truly are and actually be happy without the self loathing track. Thoughts don't control us... unless we let them subconsciously think they do. Everyone is trying to be okay when they aren't okay, when they went through hell and hurtful shit. Being able to be like, no, this was fucked and i never deserved it, now what do i do.... is one of those honest things. Most people don't feel safe to be honest, to be the real them, to come apart, be a mess and not know.... But it turn outs. that's the best starting point to figure out what you want, what you aren't and how to move in a way that makes you feel right. You start to trust yourself again when you get rid of the things everybody/society tells you you should do and do the things that are good and right for you. But then you look like a crazy person who doesn't make sense to the rest of the people chugging along checking their little boxes.... but feel peace and confidence about it.
Also. you can still be funny without hating yourself or the world. Promise. you won't lose who you are.
What a wonderful invitation, I will need to get back. Absolutely 💯 love you! And yes to Alex, it seems that everything is teaching and requires eager participation across the life span. Easier never and challenging always, which is exactly why the world needs those who share their remarkable emotional intelligence.
Unfortunately as far as I can tell, anxiety is a personality trait that’s DNA-deep. But I can promise you that ‘elaborate dinner parties’ are not anywhere in most people’s priority list. Such a strange trait to consider important. It’s more like a form of creativity that your Mum excelled at, but we never expect everyone else to be a good artist or writer or embroiderer, so if you can bring yourself to see it that way and let yourself off the hook, that would be so cool. But in the meantime, here, have a few hugs. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 Take care dear Debbie.
Nice post, Debbie. I have confidence in your aha moment's arrival. It's never too late. And actually it's not a moment, it's a continual series of moments where you realize that you love yourself, not in spite of your flaws, but because of them. Enough of those moments line up, and it becomes a habit.
And side note, I just began working with Erin as well and I'm so very excited. Cheers! 💕
What a wonderful ode to Alex and beautifully written. All of it true.
1. My anxiety was a lot worse before I quit white processed sugar.
2. I would tell Alex that it does get easier but he might want to get on board with a few things that could cause him some eye rolling: meditation (Insight Timer has great, free, short, guided meditations), somatic experience therapy, doing an elimination diet and cutting out foods that he's intolerant to. This worked for me anyway.
I would walk outside into the howling wind and 2° temperature here to get to listen to another poem. Read by Sherman Alexie like “My Dinner with Salmon’.
It’s painful to listen to how you are constantly comparing yourself to others . It’s ok to strive or stretch. But, please stop comparing yourself. There is only one you. Just be the best you can be.
Well, that clinches it - I'd better subscribe to Alex, who's notes I've seen. Thanks for the recommendation, Debbie.
I think anxiety may be a pre-disposition (it seems to run in my family), but I also think that upbringing and environment can exacerbate it, eg. it seems to be more in women, but we have a lot more to be anxious about in our male-focused world.
1. I think doing the work I do with Deconstructing Patriarchy -- that because patriarchy has given us such a limited window of what it means to "fit in" ...and "fitting in" means survival (that has not been gutted out of our animilistic brain yet I don't think).....that yes as long as we live in/under the ideology of patriarchy that yea - we will be struggling to get it right, fit in, etc. But if we keep speaking up about our differences, our neurodiverse fluidity :-), our quirks and see how beautiful the spectrum is of being a living breathing sentient being on this hugely diverse planet and universe -- then there is hope. So in a way, yes we are hard wired to "fit in" to survive and I believe that is where the anxiety and insecurities come from...but remmeber evolution is seeking those that break the norm becuase they are more adaptable and able to shift and change as the chaos around us shifts and changes :-)!
Crushing hard on everyone who dares to and keeps sharing their heart, their fears & their life online in a climate of trolls, canceling culture and algorithms. 💕
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_36,h_36,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fdb1d7636-a0e5-44ef-846d-a6df558eff16_1280x1280.png)
![[B]OLD AGE with Debbie Weil](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/e_trim:10:white/e_trim:10:transparent/h_72,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fb939748d-5d80-4d0f-867c-2ed252ac633c_1344x256.png)
damn it debbie this was so beautiful thank you I am honestly unable to fathom how anyone could feel this way but I believe you when you say that you do. Also I am gobsmacked to learn that it doesn't get easier and that I will never figure it out??????
I promised that I would not subscribe to another Substack until I finished this dissertation. But your piece on Alex changed my mind. I'm still catching up on the reading here, but there's always room for one more, especially when it's good.
Mimi, that absolutely makes my day (and, I suspect, Alex's too!).
day made
Loved this. Went to check him out and subscribed. I wasn’t disappointed. I do think you can move pass soul crushing esteem issues.
Megan, ha ha working on it, really. I know it’s time!
HOW
let me break it down in a three step process... just kidding.. I can't. Wouldn't it be nice if it would be that easy? But it includes conscious lengthening breathing, (most people are starved of oxygen, their body starts to shut down and not feel very safe triggering massive anxiety), softening the muscles by consciously unwinding (we are literally holding on to everything), and paying attention to what your body needs (it's the antenna to tell you whats good and whats bad for you) ...and then being really willing to see and feel things you don't want to see as you are in this state. most people are totally numbed and checked out and not able to feel or hear anything. When we start to pay attention to the body, the emotions, the tugs of our heart, Then we can listening to the subtle things that we normally ignore.
When the screaming of the thoughts chill out and we ask ourselves, what do we actually want and need... it guides us to the things that make us feel well. Most of us have learned to avoid or push past discomfort and big emotions but it simply doesn't work. I really believe we all can feel well, self assured, safe to be who we truly are and actually be happy without the self loathing track. Thoughts don't control us... unless we let them subconsciously think they do. Everyone is trying to be okay when they aren't okay, when they went through hell and hurtful shit. Being able to be like, no, this was fucked and i never deserved it, now what do i do.... is one of those honest things. Most people don't feel safe to be honest, to be the real them, to come apart, be a mess and not know.... But it turn outs. that's the best starting point to figure out what you want, what you aren't and how to move in a way that makes you feel right. You start to trust yourself again when you get rid of the things everybody/society tells you you should do and do the things that are good and right for you. But then you look like a crazy person who doesn't make sense to the rest of the people chugging along checking their little boxes.... but feel peace and confidence about it.
Also. you can still be funny without hating yourself or the world. Promise. you won't lose who you are.
Megan, whoa... I will read this again!
Margaret Atwood. My forever girl crush❤️
Thanks for this beautiful recommendation! I subscribed :)
Karen, I hope you enjoy Alex's humor of the absurd; it speaks to me!
What a wonderful invitation, I will need to get back. Absolutely 💯 love you! And yes to Alex, it seems that everything is teaching and requires eager participation across the life span. Easier never and challenging always, which is exactly why the world needs those who share their remarkable emotional intelligence.
Unfortunately as far as I can tell, anxiety is a personality trait that’s DNA-deep. But I can promise you that ‘elaborate dinner parties’ are not anywhere in most people’s priority list. Such a strange trait to consider important. It’s more like a form of creativity that your Mum excelled at, but we never expect everyone else to be a good artist or writer or embroiderer, so if you can bring yourself to see it that way and let yourself off the hook, that would be so cool. But in the meantime, here, have a few hugs. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 Take care dear Debbie.
Nice post, Debbie. I have confidence in your aha moment's arrival. It's never too late. And actually it's not a moment, it's a continual series of moments where you realize that you love yourself, not in spite of your flaws, but because of them. Enough of those moments line up, and it becomes a habit.
And side note, I just began working with Erin as well and I'm so very excited. Cheers! 💕
Sue, how wonderful!!
What a wonderful ode to Alex and beautifully written. All of it true.
1. My anxiety was a lot worse before I quit white processed sugar.
2. I would tell Alex that it does get easier but he might want to get on board with a few things that could cause him some eye rolling: meditation (Insight Timer has great, free, short, guided meditations), somatic experience therapy, doing an elimination diet and cutting out foods that he's intolerant to. This worked for me anyway.
Carissa, I’ve been using Calm; will check out Insight Timer.
I totally forgot to mention the big guy. You know, G-d? Believing truly takes away a lot of stressors.
Yes. Sherman Alexie.
I would walk outside into the howling wind and 2° temperature here to get to listen to another poem. Read by Sherman Alexie like “My Dinner with Salmon’.
Thank you Joanne; a new writer for me. More here: https://shermanalexie.substack.com/
1. I think they are hardwired
2. I forget the question
3.4. I’ll add here that I enjoy your writing
5. I also have a crush on Alex. Anyone who can make me laugh I enjoy.
J., isn't the laughter response surprising?? It's so true. I mean, it could be "any writer who makes me cry... "
Comparison is the their of Joy.
Naomi, true that. But hard to eradicate "comparing and contrasting." A little bit of that is probably a good thing.
It’s painful to listen to how you are constantly comparing yourself to others . It’s ok to strive or stretch. But, please stop comparing yourself. There is only one you. Just be the best you can be.
Well, that clinches it - I'd better subscribe to Alex, who's notes I've seen. Thanks for the recommendation, Debbie.
I think anxiety may be a pre-disposition (it seems to run in my family), but I also think that upbringing and environment can exacerbate it, eg. it seems to be more in women, but we have a lot more to be anxious about in our male-focused world.
1. I think doing the work I do with Deconstructing Patriarchy -- that because patriarchy has given us such a limited window of what it means to "fit in" ...and "fitting in" means survival (that has not been gutted out of our animilistic brain yet I don't think).....that yes as long as we live in/under the ideology of patriarchy that yea - we will be struggling to get it right, fit in, etc. But if we keep speaking up about our differences, our neurodiverse fluidity :-), our quirks and see how beautiful the spectrum is of being a living breathing sentient being on this hugely diverse planet and universe -- then there is hope. So in a way, yes we are hard wired to "fit in" to survive and I believe that is where the anxiety and insecurities come from...but remmeber evolution is seeking those that break the norm becuase they are more adaptable and able to shift and change as the chaos around us shifts and changes :-)!
Crushing hard on everyone who dares to and keeps sharing their heart, their fears & their life online in a climate of trolls, canceling culture and algorithms. 💕