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How will I cope if my husband dies?
A reader asks this painful question and I attempt a two-fold response
“Dear Debbie: I think a lot these days about how I will manage if he dies before I do. I will be devastated and also helpless in a number of areas. And I wonder, literally, how I will do all that needs to be done just to live on in our complex world.” - Sarah, age 76
The New Hampshire lake glimmered through the windows of her water-front house as my old friend and I caught up. I couldn’t help staring at the gently ruffled surface of the water, so calm compared to the wave-studded ocean off the coast of Maine. We talked about family, which includes our six children who grew up together, and our growing number of grandchildren. Soon the discussion turned to entering [b]old age alongside our husbands; we’ve both been married for 50+ years. Then our conversation took a darker turn as I asked her to expand on her question1 above, one she submitted to this newsletter several months ago.
“All I think of is the darkness and the despair,” Sarah said, contemplating what it would be like if her husband died2. Those could be my words too; I’ve been married to Sam for 51 years, and though we squabble and fight, I’m still very much in love with him. We agree on the really important stuff and we enjoy each other’s company. You never know about someone else’s marriage but from what I can see, Sarah and her husband are equally devoted and loving to one another. When I imagine losing my life partner, it is terrifying for me, as it is for Sarah; it would mean the dissolution of a relationship that has defined my life for over 50 years. How would I go on?
The answer has two dimensions: the practicalities, as well as the emotional. Leaving aside devastating grief for a moment, I want to talk about the practical reality of becoming a widow, of being the one left behind, when you are in [b]old age. This is not merely conjecture: about 34 percent of women in the U.S. over the age of 65 are widows.3