"Each decade has been a peeling away, like the layers of an onion"

A Q&A with writer Jessica Smock on writing, friendship, and ambition in midlife

“I feel like each decade has been a peeling away, like the layers of an onion. I’ll turn 50 this summer, and to me, aging is this weird mix of urgency — life is short! How much is left?? — mixed with a desire for slowness and savoring.” - Jessica Smock

Jessica Smock

is a writer, writing coach, and editor living in western New York with her husband, middle school son, fourth grade daughter, two dogs, and a cat. She has been a teacher, researcher, ghostwriter, and curriculum specialist and received her doctorate in education from Boston University, where she was a teaching and research fellow. She is a graduate of Wesleyan University.

I met Jessica on Substack when she jumped into the introductions for [B]old Women. She noted that she was turning 50 and that she is co-founder of the HerStories Project, described on the website as “a community of midlife women who write.” She is also the co-editor of Midstory Magazine. I was intrigued and I wanted to know what the difference is between writing in [b]old age and writing in midlife, especially for women. Perhaps, I thought, it’s that in your 60s, 70s, and 80s you are focussed more on processing the life you’ve lived, as well as savoring the present, whereas in your 40s and 50s you have the luxury of looking ahead at three or four more decades. Still, I know that midlife can feel like a “messy middle.” When I turned 50 I told myself it was “now or never” for whatever new or different things I wanted to accomplish. That moment felt like a turning point; it was both exciting and daunting. From my vantage point of 72, was I remembering right? I decided to ask Jessica.

DW: Where are you writing from? Describe the view from your writing desk.

JS: I live in western New York State, in the suburbs of Buffalo. It’s frequently cold and snowy here so I find that the weather can often keep me focused. During the (short) warm months, I do get more distracted and want to do all the things (walking in the warmth, swimming, sitting in the sun) that I don’t get to do during the long winters.

Jessica Smock

DW: Do women in midlife need to be encouraged to write? You mention “the messy middle” on the home page of The HerStories Project, a project that you founded in 2013 with

Steph Sprenger

.

JS: We founded the HerStories Project as two women in their mid/late thirties with very small children (my second wasn’t even born yet). Our writing world mostly consisted of other mothers like us (yes, “mommy bloggers”), examining our lives as mothers and trying to make sense of this shift in identity. It was created initially as a collaborative blog about female friendship. Stephanie Sprenger, my co-founder, and I connected over reading a memoir about female friendship, She Matters: A Life in Friendships by Susanna Sonnenberg, and we had this idea of publishing women’s guest essays of friendship on a new website. Friendship was so central to our lives, yet we found that these relationships were not examined or written about as much as others.

The idea soon took off, and we published two anthologies on female friendship. I was a former teacher and writing instructor, and I had another idea of teaching more formal personal essay writing to women who wanted to submit their writing to us. We launched several courses over the years, then writing groups and memberships, as we were also publishing more anthologies.

As we got older, past our thirties and into our forties, our writing interests changed and our community focus shifted as well. The women who participated in our writing groups and classes or submitted writing to us were increasingly writing about a much broader array of topics beyond motherhood, and many weren’t parents at all.

“Some (women) come to writing now that they have a clear sense of who they are as midlife women. Others are exploring how their identities are shifting during this “messy middle of life,” when caretaking (children, parents, and other relatives), work, and relationships often come in conflict.”

Women get to midlife with all sorts of experiences with writing, at least within our community. Some are committed writers and have maintained a writing practice throughout all stages of their lives. Some thought of themselves as writers earlier in their lives — or even have writing now as a part of their current career — but have lost the creative aspect to writing. Some come to writing now that they have a clear sense of who they are as midlife women. Others are exploring how their identities are shifting during this “messy middle of life,” when caretaking (children, parents, and other relatives), work, and relationships often come in conflict.

DW: What is the difference between women writing in midlife and women writing in old age (or [b]old age, as I like to call it)?

JS: We’ve had many students and writers in our groups in [b]old age. We are often asked by writers if they have “aged out” of midlife or are too old for our community. We welcome older women (no age cutoffs!), who often bring a calmer, wiser outlook on day to day life and on accepting our strengths as women and as writers. The “core” of our community — but certainly not all! — is probably women in their 40s and early 50s, and many of them have a certain kind of restlessness and urgent desire to organize and (often) “succeed” in the different realms of their lives. We midlife women can learn from the resilience and patience of older women in our circles.

DW: What does [B]OLD AGE mean to you?

JS: What I hope from [B]OLD AGE is to feel authentically myself. It’s not that I wasn’t myself at age 20, 30, 40… it’s more like I feel like each decade has been a peeling away, like the layers of an onion. I’ll turn 50 this summer, and to me, aging is this weird mix of urgency — life is short! How much is left?? — mixed with a desire for slowness and savoring.

DW: How important is getting your writing published vs. just getting words and thoughts on the page?

JS: I went through a period when the only form of writing that I felt counted (from me) was the type that led to a book. I gravitate naturally more toward journalism and nonfiction writing, and I wanted to be a “serious” writer. As I’ve gotten older and more of my writing (because of HerStories) doesn’t fit into neat categories of nonfiction/fiction/memoir, the idea of writing success only through book publication has meant less to me. I consider all of the writing I do — writing emails to subscribers, writing sales pages, publishing articles, scribbling notes in the notebooks around my house — to be “real” writing, and I’ve found a sense of peace with that acceptance.

DW: Has your writing life (the process, the topics) changed as you’ve moved from “young” to “midlife”?

JS: The biggest part of my writing life that has changed is that I think of myself first as a community leader, editor, connector, and instructor, rather than first as a writer. For almost a decade, I wrote primarily as a way of making sense of what I was experiencing as a parent and as a thirty-something woman trying to figure out how to reconcile my career goals with my new parenting identity. For right now — and I’m sure this will evolve over the years — I’m mostly focused on writing that helps me grow our HerStories community and connect with other midlife women. My writing has become less personal and less introspective, and I’m okay with that for now.

DW: Is there a difference between “writing friends” and just “friends,” especially for women writers?

JS: Wow. We’ve explored this topic so much at HerStories over the years. For me, I have only a couple “real life” writer friends, and there is a real divide between my day to day, in-person friendships and my (mostly virtual) writing friendships. I’m still close with many writers I met through blogging more than a decade ago, and many of them have moved on and no longer write publicly or at all.

DW: What is your “ideal” morning routine? Do you have a writing ritual to get started?

JS: My morning routine begins with my kids, who are still in elementary and middle school. After they head out on the bus, I then make a cup of tea. My cup of tea — and often a quick walk — is the ritual I use to transition from “parenting” mode into “writing” life.

I tackle my email inbox, then try to accomplish my most difficult writing tasks first thing. I also freewrite on an “as needed” basis — when I need to figure out what I’m thinking about a topic or if I’m feeling frustrated or upset.

I leave the afternoon for more administrative and household tasks. After mid-afternoon, and my kids return home from school, my brain shuts down for intellectual and creative tasks. Weirdly, I do also consider myself a night owl. I love reading late in the night. I’ve always been this way: morning is for writing and night is for reading.

DW: What is your biggest regret when it comes to life or writing?

JS: I wish that I had trusted myself to become a writer, and identify as such, much earlier. During college, I majored in the social sciences, and then entered a PhD program in that field, even though I knew what I really loved about it was the interviewing, research, and writing. I had been a newspaper reporter, but I was too intimidated to commit to that as a long-term career choice. Until I had kids and started blogging, I was a teacher and researcher, when I really wanted writing to be the main focus of my professional life. I wish that I had continued on in journalism and not given it up because I felt like an imposter who would never be as good as my journalistic heroes.

DW: Do you consider yourself ambitious? Has your ambition changed in the past decade or so?

JS: I do consider myself ambitious. I’ve always had very high standards for myself and have struggled with perfectionism. During my thirties I wrote a lot about trying to let go of these rigid goals I had for myself and this self-imposed timeline of when things in my life should happen (marriage, first child, first book, doctorate…). I’m getting much better at letting my goals evolve more organically, without comparing myself to others.

A quick update from Debbie

My “pause” is going very well—thank you to readers for your kind words and suggestions. I am feeling more clear-headed, calm, and relaxed after several weeks of travel in France, and now Spain. This fun post was prepped ahead of time. Thanks to my editor and producer

Erin Shetron

and to

Jessica Smock

—I know I speak for many other readers when I say I find your answers about midlife fascinating. - DW

Two questions for readers

• Jessica says, “morning is for writing and night is for reading” — what is your own version of this? Does it match or do you have a different routine?

• Do you remember when you started considering yourself a writer? Do you wish it happened sooner?