Memories are like fingerprints, unique to each of us, based on personal perceptions and our own secret-from-ourselves subconscious. And like fingerprints, they change over time, as the deep grooves and swirls smoothen and disappear over years of use. Be amazed at the unfolding of all the “me’s” you’ve been, even in your recollections. After all, is accuracy really the point?
I had particular memories of an event in my life that I would have sworn woere true. I had a journal I wrote at the time, and when I checked it, my memory was wrong, and had turned in my favor.
Great question to ponder. When writing about an experience from childhood, I tend to leave intact whatever my memory is because regardless of the facts, it is the memory of that experience I’ve carried with me for so long and that helped shape my world view.
And then sometimes the discovery of an alternate reality can produce a whole other writing experience that explores what the old memory meant and how the new reality might cause me to rethink everything. etc etc.
When I'm writing about my memories of dead or alive family members or other such sensitive subjects, I get stuck. Then I let loose my poetic license. Was the couch in my sister's bedroom green velvet? I slow down here to think. No matter how hard I try, cannot recall the details of that couch. Was there even a couch? Finally, does it matter? With or without that couch, the story will quite satisfactorily unfold as planned. Can we possibly remember every detail of our recall accurately. Nope. Of course we can't. So what do we writers do? We embroider. We get the story done our way and call it poetic license.
Suzanne, I agree with you when it’s the color of the couch.. but it’s trickier when you are telling a story about a person, especially a family member. What do you think?
From what I wrote earlier you can guess that I am not wedded to the the hard facts. Why? Because often either I don’t know the hard facts or I figure the person (family member for example) am writing about can take care of themselves. I’m aware this is a harsh approach, but my mission is the get the job done so I really shouldn’t pussyfoot. Another approach might be to disguise them with pseudonyms. I grant you it’s a delicate subject.
This is interesting, Debbie. My sister and I had a chat about family memories and who decides what to share. Where do we draw the lines? Tricky, isn't it?
Even if you are able to interview relatives, their memories will differ from yours, sometimes a little, sometimes radically. We are all unreliable narrators, and IMO the only way to deal with this issue is to write your truth as you remember it.
I am a personal essays who has difficulty with memory. Generally I write to understand something happening currently so long term memory is not a factor. But when I was writing about my relationship with my mother 8 years after her death, recall was so mixed with emotion that I couldn't tell what was true and what was not.
Once I asked Lucy Grealy (Autobiography of a Face) how she could recall so many details of the trauma of her childhood. She said to examine only the one kernel of truth that I think I know, not aiming to unfold the broader grey episodes that are unclear. Limit myself to a deep dive into just that kernel. A complete story will evolve. Not the one we thought we should tell, but that one that can be told. It will be revealing. Thinking on the page is always revealing, always surprising to the reader as much as to the writer.
That said, I once had a friend who would often repeat, "Your truth is your own." I thought he was trying to be clever. Now I ponder.
Such an interesting topic. Maybe it's self-preservation, but I want to write down every memory, every story that comes to me before they stop visiting. Most of my family loves these stories, and, so far anyway, nobody has moved to set me straight on any of the details. There is one story that I have not made available to the public that my sister does not like, and I will respect that wish. But because I have not written it anywhere, it feels fuzzier than many of the others. I think its time is coming soon.
My memories are recorded in diaries and notes taken. When I took care of my mother I took down snippets and described places, emotions, and conversations we had for over seven years. I had random notes written on everything from cocktail napkins to journals. Our lives were coming to an end (as we knew they would after my father died) and I wanted to remember every moment spent with her until she died to prepare. It did not prepare me but what it did do was comfort me in times of great sorrow. My mother also wrote short notes and snippets from our time together.
I often write down emotions and details of times that cause me great stress or wonderful joy so I'm reminded of the details.
Such an interesting question! I think there is a reason we remember things the way we do—even if they’re not 100% factual, our memories are real to us, and they’re emblematic of the ways people made us feel, what we were experiencing at the time, etc. And those things are just as important in memoir as cold hard facts. I’d be willing to change my writing if presented with evidence that my memory was incorrect, but I would probably also explore my memory and why I think I remembered it that way—something like “here’s how I remember it and how it made it me feel, and here’s what I’m told actually happened.”
‘…how do you know whether your memories are accurate? Does it matter, if you feel it’s your lived experience?’ My only writing is for myself and the memories are from my perspective. The things I’m considering help me learn more about me rather than them. I think this is why we keep diaries and journals private too.
It must be so much harder for authors such as those here on Substack. There’s such immediacy these days with commenters providing such instant feedback. Of course, that can be so rewarding too.
Thanks for stirring that pot. I sometimes check with my brother for his recollection compared to mine. He is 4 years younger. For earlier times with our kids, I check with the kids (62, 60 and 58) to see how our stories compare. We seem to agree most of the time although sometimes the details get lost in the fog. We laugh a lot remembering both good times and some not so good, maybe even foolish on occasion. I'm sure I do not have a perfect memory intact of things past but thus far it seems to be pretty darn good when checking with
So many stories about many lives over lots of years. I should write about a few of them just for laughs. Of course there were times of pain and sadness too and how we coped with those. Laughter can alter dopamine and serotonin activity, so there’s that! See what Sam has to say about the effects on brain chemistry.
Certain situations caused memorable emotions, but my adult brain has filled in the details. I must keep that in mind and strive to maintain respect as I write. I appreciate you taking out the word “alcoholic” since you weren’t sure.
When I am writing about someone who was a problem for me growing up, and my words express the negative aspects of someone's character. I try to keep it honest and fair-minded, as charitable as I can be. I will sometimes leave out the most damning details. And I will check it against the experience of others. For example in writing of my mother, I asked my brother if it was a fair portrayal and if it crossed the line and revealed too much.
I try to be right about things that I have deep conviction are true. But I'm sure I have been and will be wrong in some cases. And yes I'd welcome correction!
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Memories are like fingerprints, unique to each of us, based on personal perceptions and our own secret-from-ourselves subconscious. And like fingerprints, they change over time, as the deep grooves and swirls smoothen and disappear over years of use. Be amazed at the unfolding of all the “me’s” you’ve been, even in your recollections. After all, is accuracy really the point?
Sara, so well said. Thank you!
Beautifully said! Thank you!
I love this.
Spot on. Beautiful.
I had particular memories of an event in my life that I would have sworn woere true. I had a journal I wrote at the time, and when I checked it, my memory was wrong, and had turned in my favor.
Great question to ponder. When writing about an experience from childhood, I tend to leave intact whatever my memory is because regardless of the facts, it is the memory of that experience I’ve carried with me for so long and that helped shape my world view.
And then sometimes the discovery of an alternate reality can produce a whole other writing experience that explores what the old memory meant and how the new reality might cause me to rethink everything. etc etc.
Jen, yes!
Absolutely
When I'm writing about my memories of dead or alive family members or other such sensitive subjects, I get stuck. Then I let loose my poetic license. Was the couch in my sister's bedroom green velvet? I slow down here to think. No matter how hard I try, cannot recall the details of that couch. Was there even a couch? Finally, does it matter? With or without that couch, the story will quite satisfactorily unfold as planned. Can we possibly remember every detail of our recall accurately. Nope. Of course we can't. So what do we writers do? We embroider. We get the story done our way and call it poetic license.
Suzanne, I agree with you when it’s the color of the couch.. but it’s trickier when you are telling a story about a person, especially a family member. What do you think?
From what I wrote earlier you can guess that I am not wedded to the the hard facts. Why? Because often either I don’t know the hard facts or I figure the person (family member for example) am writing about can take care of themselves. I’m aware this is a harsh approach, but my mission is the get the job done so I really shouldn’t pussyfoot. Another approach might be to disguise them with pseudonyms. I grant you it’s a delicate subject.
This is interesting, Debbie. My sister and I had a chat about family memories and who decides what to share. Where do we draw the lines? Tricky, isn't it?
Wendy, very tricky. I believe it depends in part on what the motivation for sharing is, don’t you?
Even if you are able to interview relatives, their memories will differ from yours, sometimes a little, sometimes radically. We are all unreliable narrators, and IMO the only way to deal with this issue is to write your truth as you remember it.
I am a personal essays who has difficulty with memory. Generally I write to understand something happening currently so long term memory is not a factor. But when I was writing about my relationship with my mother 8 years after her death, recall was so mixed with emotion that I couldn't tell what was true and what was not.
Once I asked Lucy Grealy (Autobiography of a Face) how she could recall so many details of the trauma of her childhood. She said to examine only the one kernel of truth that I think I know, not aiming to unfold the broader grey episodes that are unclear. Limit myself to a deep dive into just that kernel. A complete story will evolve. Not the one we thought we should tell, but that one that can be told. It will be revealing. Thinking on the page is always revealing, always surprising to the reader as much as to the writer.
That said, I once had a friend who would often repeat, "Your truth is your own." I thought he was trying to be clever. Now I ponder.
Such an interesting topic. Maybe it's self-preservation, but I want to write down every memory, every story that comes to me before they stop visiting. Most of my family loves these stories, and, so far anyway, nobody has moved to set me straight on any of the details. There is one story that I have not made available to the public that my sister does not like, and I will respect that wish. But because I have not written it anywhere, it feels fuzzier than many of the others. I think its time is coming soon.
My memories are recorded in diaries and notes taken. When I took care of my mother I took down snippets and described places, emotions, and conversations we had for over seven years. I had random notes written on everything from cocktail napkins to journals. Our lives were coming to an end (as we knew they would after my father died) and I wanted to remember every moment spent with her until she died to prepare. It did not prepare me but what it did do was comfort me in times of great sorrow. My mother also wrote short notes and snippets from our time together.
I often write down emotions and details of times that cause me great stress or wonderful joy so I'm reminded of the details.
Patti, what a lovely practice.
Such an interesting question! I think there is a reason we remember things the way we do—even if they’re not 100% factual, our memories are real to us, and they’re emblematic of the ways people made us feel, what we were experiencing at the time, etc. And those things are just as important in memoir as cold hard facts. I’d be willing to change my writing if presented with evidence that my memory was incorrect, but I would probably also explore my memory and why I think I remembered it that way—something like “here’s how I remember it and how it made it me feel, and here’s what I’m told actually happened.”
‘…how do you know whether your memories are accurate? Does it matter, if you feel it’s your lived experience?’ My only writing is for myself and the memories are from my perspective. The things I’m considering help me learn more about me rather than them. I think this is why we keep diaries and journals private too.
It must be so much harder for authors such as those here on Substack. There’s such immediacy these days with commenters providing such instant feedback. Of course, that can be so rewarding too.
Thank you for a thought-provoking post.
Thanks for stirring that pot. I sometimes check with my brother for his recollection compared to mine. He is 4 years younger. For earlier times with our kids, I check with the kids (62, 60 and 58) to see how our stories compare. We seem to agree most of the time although sometimes the details get lost in the fog. We laugh a lot remembering both good times and some not so good, maybe even foolish on occasion. I'm sure I do not have a perfect memory intact of things past but thus far it seems to be pretty darn good when checking with
Gary, so glad you can laugh when comparing memories with your brother and your children!
So many stories about many lives over lots of years. I should write about a few of them just for laughs. Of course there were times of pain and sadness too and how we coped with those. Laughter can alter dopamine and serotonin activity, so there’s that! See what Sam has to say about the effects on brain chemistry.
Certain situations caused memorable emotions, but my adult brain has filled in the details. I must keep that in mind and strive to maintain respect as I write. I appreciate you taking out the word “alcoholic” since you weren’t sure.
When I am writing about someone who was a problem for me growing up, and my words express the negative aspects of someone's character. I try to keep it honest and fair-minded, as charitable as I can be. I will sometimes leave out the most damning details. And I will check it against the experience of others. For example in writing of my mother, I asked my brother if it was a fair portrayal and if it crossed the line and revealed too much.
Ann, and what was the answer??!
He said it was a fair representation and did not cross any lines.
I try to be right about things that I have deep conviction are true. But I'm sure I have been and will be wrong in some cases. And yes I'd welcome correction!
David, thank you for this. Is that a Freudian slip: did you mean right or write?!
Perhaps! I did mean right.
This is a tough one. My memory has always been bad so writing personal essays about growing up is challenging. Yet, this is where I often find myself.