Radically honest highlights from [B]old Age

From eldering and living to 100, to identity and grief, to fashion and online shopping, to what other [b]old women have to say on life and writing.

Welcome to [B]old Age, where I write about the strange contradiction of old age: it’s wonderful… and it also sucks.

I vowed recently to be radically honest about the hard stuff, so that’s what I’m highlighting in today’s “Best of” selection from my archive: the honest truths—the good, the bad, the blessings, and the bullshit of [b]old age.

So herewith, a meaty selection (plus one thing for fun) put together by me and by my astute editor Erin Shetron. I hope you’ll meet us in the Comments; I’d love to hear what most resonates with you.

But first, the best part

I don’t write about this much, maybe because it goes without saying: my grandchildren are the best part of getting old.

Update! 🐣👶 Our six grandchildren became seven this week, with the birth of our new grandson!

They’re a motley bunch, ages nine to 16. Not pictured, our brand new grandson.

On Depression, Identity, and Grief:

1. Turns out, my offline persona is not always so bold.

“On Substack I play a character who is a bit [b]old, who is bravely reporting back as she navigates the sometimes rocky land of the old, and who has something useful and honest to share with you about her experiences.

In my real life I (sometimes!) stumble through my days, unfocused, confused, and searching for clarity about who I am and what I’m knowledgeable about and what I even have to offer family, friends and the wider world.”

→ Read more about disconnect, being okay with your different selves, and your place in the world.

2. I lost my mother before she died.

“Underneath her Southern politeness, my mother was ambitious and determined and, I suspect, loved being a student at Harvard. She must have felt frustrated when she was forced by the university to switch her major from physics to art history.

Looking back, I wish I had asked her about my unplanned appearance and the disruption to her life when she was 21, barely more than a girl herself. Of course, she would never have actually discussed this with me. She would have batted the subject away as ‘not important’ and ‘of course I wanted a baby then.’”

→ Read more about how I lost my mother before she died.

→ Read about: My parents’ ashes, floating away in a gray cloud

On Eldering and Living to 100

1. Despite what the longevity gurus are proclaiming…

• We can’t reliably defeat or “hack” the aging process.

• Old age is not a disease to be cured (fact).

• There is no magic pill (yet), to ward off death.

• And, finally, a final 4th quarter of life is not at all guaranteed.

The idea that you can look forward to a 4Q roadway stretching to 100, shimmering in the distance when you turn 75… is bullshit. Living to 100 is largely about privilege: education and income.

→ Read more here.

2. Turns out, not everyone wants to live to 100.

Top Reasons People Do NOT Want to Live to 100:

1. Declining quality of life, both physically and mentally

2. Concerns of money running out

3. Loss of family and friends / loneliness

Top Reasons People DO Want to Live to 100:

1. Curiosity to see what the world becomes

2. Passionate about continuing creative endeavors / life’s work

3. Feeling love and hope for life

→ Review the full findings + quotes from participants here.

3. If eldering is a call…

to live my best, most patient, most generous life, I want to answer it.

I want to be present for my family. I want to keep writing, in this newsletter or elsewhere.

That’s how I’ll keep turning my lived experience into wisdom I can share. Not out of fear of dying, not to create some flimsy form of legacy. But to keep fueling my creativity, to keep offering, without expectation, what I can to the people around me; and to keep stepping into my truest self.

→ Read more about how I’m eldering.

On the Realities of Old Age:

1. The more you age, the more shit happens.

The occasional stiff drink, downhill skiing, traveling overseas… ? Do I have to give it all up?

→ Read more about the shit that happens when you get old.

2. Sex in my 70s isn’t what I expected… or want.

“I read all the time about older women and their marvelous sex lives, including earth-shattering orgasms. I’m sure this is meant as helpful, or even inspiring, but it sounds a bit like one-upmanship, as if sex is a competition. Perhaps it is, if I’m competing with my younger, hotter self.”

→ Read more about Sex in your 70s.

3. Three recent realities of aging have me reeling.

Here are the three things, in the order of Good, Not So Great, and Devastating. As with a kaleidoscope, I’ve been turning the dial to see each one more clearly. I am still reeling.

1. I retreated to Baja for space to reflect with Elizabeth Gilbert; that opened up some uncomfortable realizations

2. Sam continues to recover from painful knee-replacement surgery; taking care of him evokes fear for the future

3. Lucy, one of my dearest childhood friends, died unexpectedly

→ Read more about the realities of aging that hit me all at once recently.

The [B]oldest Women Told Us:

1. Abigail Thomas

“Debbie: What’s it like to be 83? You’ve told me that the 80s have gravitas and that you feel “superior” to younger people who are running around trying to stay healthy.

Abigail Thomas: Well, God. Yes. Desperately staying strong and healthy is so boring. Have a piece of cake. Have two. It seems so humorless.

I love being eighty-three. I love all the petty and even the not so petty concerns that seemed so important that now have vanished. I have no vanity, no embarrassment, no guilt left. Guilt has grown up and become regret. Guilt keeps you center stage. Regret urges you to do something to make amends, something invisible, helpful, or maybe even something funny. I indulge and enjoy myself, and I write. What I write is fun for me, and it’s lovely when other people like it, but I write really for clarity, for myself.”

→ Read the [B]old Woman Q&A with Abigail Thomas on not giving a shit.

2. Judith Viorst

“Debbie: You write in your new book Making the Best of What’s Left: “I don’t want to flunk old age. I want to be really good at old age… I want an A-plus.” What grade are you giving yourself at 94?

Judith: Grade B. I need to get better at worrying less and spend more time embracing my fortunate life—each day, every day—if I want a higher grade.”

→ Read the [B]old Woman Q&A with Judith Viorst on not wanting to flunk old age.

3. Jody Day

“Debbie: How have attitudes towards women who don’t have children, and/or can’t have children, changed over time?

Jody Day: I created the word “nomo” back in 2012, which is a contraction of “not-mother” and includes all non-mothers, because frankly, it’s none of anyone’s business whether you chose childlessness or it chose you. However, that does impact how society sees you: women who are childfree (by choice) are having a moment and are, to some extent, celebrated as modern feminists who’ve made a choice and had the agency and privilege to make it happen.

However, for childless (not-by-choice) women, particularly those who are childless due to not finding a willing or suitable partner (the most common reason, above infertility), they’re either ignored or pitied. And, even though there are more childless women than childfree ones, feminism has little to say about the inconvenient truth that not everything in life is under our control; it’s complicated, and it doesn’t make for a snappy feature story either.”

→ Read the [B]old Woman Q&A with Jody Day on women without children.

On Fashion, the Best Notebooks, and Online Shopping:

“I’m an old woman, turning 75 this year, and yet, just as I have for decades, I care a lot about what I wear and how it makes me feel. Online shopping lets me choose what makes me feel most like “me,” what identifies me as a [b]old, even badass woman. So I like to think it’s more than an indulgence.”

→ Read more for an inside peek at my [b]old essentials.

My scribbled notes on the incomparably smooth paper of a Romeo notebook.

Questions for Readers

• Do you have a pleasurable addiction, like online shopping, that you’ll admit to?

• Reckoning with complicated grief seems like a necessary part of [b]old age. Do you have any lessons learned you are willing to share?

• What is the best part of old age for you?

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